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Original poster

Wife name forgotten in title

107 replies

musicislife · 07/10/2018 23:02

Does anyone else find it really backward that in the 21st century a married couple should be addressed as ‘Mr and Mrs Frederick John X’, which makes it sound as if the wife is barely an after thought, being blessed as she is with a mere three letters in the whole title?

OP posts:
GreyPJs · 07/10/2018 23:08

I don’t know ANYONE who uses that form of address any more. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Redglitter · 07/10/2018 23:11

I remember my parents receiving Christmas Cards addressed like that donkeys years ago but like pp I don't know of anyone who addresses a couple like that now

BikeRunSki · 07/10/2018 23:15

My 90 year old aunt is the only person who uses that form of etiquette.

DramaAlpaca · 07/10/2018 23:16

My mother addresses cards to DH & me like that. She's in her 80s so I let her off.

I have managed to stop her addressing cards to me as Mrs His Initials Alpaca, thank goodness, that was worse.

Original poster
musicislife · 07/10/2018 23:22

Thanks for your replies, it’s just that I know a couple who had a congratulations from The Queen for their 60th wedding anniversary addressed just like that, nd yes I know that’s tradition but that doesn’t make it right. I think it that was me I’d really rather not have the letter at all!

OP posts:
Redglitter · 07/10/2018 23:23

Chances are though if they've been married 60 years then they're of the generation who did address cards etc like that & won't have given it a second thought

allthesoddingdresses · 07/10/2018 23:26

As far as I know you have to apply for those letters from the queen and you have to state to whom it should be addressed.
When we did it for my grandparents - they have always been known as mr and Mrs John Smith - so that's what we put on the form!

DramaAlpaca · 07/10/2018 23:26

What Redglitter said ^^

My parents will have been married 60 years next year, would be delighted to get congratulations from The Queen, and would consider that form of address to be correct.

purplecorkheart · 07/10/2018 23:33

I used to work in a place that where people would ring and say I am Mrs John Doe rather than I am Jane Doe. The topic they were ringing about was themselves rather than their husband. Last time it happened was in the last 8 months (in new work place).

Fluffyears · 07/10/2018 23:35

My mother did it when we weren’t yet married!

Buggerbrexit · 07/10/2018 23:38

I used to use it when I wrote to my parents (rarely) because I thought it sounded posh. I no longer do!

Original poster
musicislife · 07/10/2018 23:40

Ah but would you be happy being the anonymous wife yourself. I think it’s a bit like a slap round the face , there are two people in the relationship, 50/50and all that.

OP posts:
Original poster
musicislife · 07/10/2018 23:42

purplecorkheart 😲, unbelievable!

OP posts:
Buggerbrexit · 07/10/2018 23:43

My mum wouldnt mind, she gets more annoyed if someone dares to say “ms” or call my dad her partner not husband. But I’d be deeply unhappy to receive a letter addressed that way (not least because I don’t have a husband...)

iklboo · 07/10/2018 23:44

MIL did it once. Note the 'once'.

Orlandointhewilderness · 07/10/2018 23:45

surely it is up to the people involved how they would like to be addressed?! why is it your place to judge them on it?! many older couples still use this form of address, it used to be correct.

tinstar · 07/10/2018 23:45

DramaAlpaca - do you know you can apply to have a message sent to them? If you look on the gov.uk website you'll find details.

Original poster
musicislife · 07/10/2018 23:48

It’s my opinion. My point is Why did it used to be correct - was that because when a woman married she gave up her identity, because she was ‘given away ‘ at the alter?

OP posts:
SputnikBear · 07/10/2018 23:49

Who says they should be addressed as that? Or that her title is Mrs? We’re Mr DHname and Dr Sputnik...

MrBull · 07/10/2018 23:57

Is it ok just to say Mr and Mrs ?

I'm horrified to admit I've written cards like the OP describes without any thought in the past (thought it was "proper"!), but being the anonymous wife at times has made me see how terribly old fashioned it is in recent years!

GreenMeerkat · 08/10/2018 00:00

I hate it!

I took DH's surname but I would hate to be addressed as 'Mr and Mrs John GreenMeerkat' (not real name). It's possessive and backwards. Like I'm his property.

I took his name as we were planning a family and I wanted the same name as my children.

DramaAlpaca · 08/10/2018 00:08

Thanks tinstar, I didn't know you could do that until I saw this thread. I've just been looking up how to do it, and I've also found out how to get hold of a copy of their marriage certificate as they'd smell a rat if I asked them for it! I'm going to organise it for them because they'll be so chuffed.

WeShouldBeFriends · 08/10/2018 00:12

I use this form of address. I'm 34 Blush but then we had to practise that sort of thing at school. I don't mind being the anonymous Mrs, nobody forced me to get married, although I can't remember receiving anything addressed like that for quite a while now.

Minniemountain · 08/10/2018 06:43

My uncle does. He's 73. DF (his twin brother) doesn't though.

SondheimFan · 08/10/2018 06:45

Well, stop changing your names on marriage then.