Wife name forgotten in title

[musicislife]

Does anyone else find it really backward that in the 21st century a married couple should be addressed as ‘Mr and Mrs Frederick John X’, which makes it sound as if the wife is barely an after thought, being blessed as she is with a mere three letters in the whole title?

The DC'S school STILL does this, I've been in to discuss the kind of message it sends to the girls ( and boys) but it hasn't changed yet.

Drives me absolutely insane...every bloody school report and letter home ( state primary not posh private!)

There are usually threads like this once Christmas cards start coming. And there are always some posters who come on and say “but it’s correct”.

It used to be the convention according to old fashioned etiquette books, but it’s the opposite of “correct”. I did change my surname when I got married but I’m quite certain I didn’t change my first name as well. Therefore calling me Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname is incorrect and also gives the unfortunate impression that the person writing it has terribly old fashioned misogynistic views and considers anonymising women to be acceptable.

As my DD wanted a very traditional wedding, all invites were addressed like this and the order of service mentioned a welcome to Mr & Mrs J xxxxxxx
It is very traditional and I don’t care how things are addressed to me I open my DP post and he opens mine anyway, so it doesn’t need my name on it. I make it my business and he makes it his

It dates from when property was only owned by men, so a letter being delivered to a house would have a reference to the homeowner. A sort of inefficient postcode system, if you will. You have to specify titles and form of address for letters from the queen.

I think the only person who writes to DH & I like that is FIL, who is in his 80s.

It is a correct convention.

But it's still rude to address people in ways you know they object to.

I didn't change my name, and am actually no more miffed by Mrs 'DHInitial/name DHSurname' than Mrs DHSurname, because to me they are equally wrong. Most people have better manners and call you by the name you are actually known by, than insisting that their correct way the only correct way.

I think the flow of 'Mr and Mrs' is so engrained it is unlikely ever to change from that.

The I don't really see the problem and it's never offended me when we received one.

It's just the formal way of addressing anything to a couple.

Doesn’t bother me.

“I took his name as we were planning a family and I wanted the same name as my children.”

Breaking news: children can be given their mother’s surname as well as, or - shock horror! - instead of their father’s surname.

Just saying.

I like the traditional form of address. I receive cards addressed to Mrs HisInitial His(Shared)Surname or to Mr & Mrs HisInitial His(Shared)Surname all the time and I’m not old (not quite fifty).

I really dislike being called Ms though....

Correct and doesn't bother me. I'm DH's wife. My parents divorced in the v early 70s and my mother became Mrs Penelope Jones. It was how a divorced woman was addressed. I was the only girl at school with divorced parents. Hard to shake that off.

We are late 50s. Feels entirely normal to me and friends of mine don't get het up about it.

If DH gets a gong perhaps I'll refuse to be Lady His Name but I think I'll just enjoy it.

Haha, I was going to say "who, apart from the Queen, even does this anymore?" then saw it was from the Queen.

When we did letter writing in the 70s we were taught to do that, but it's a bit of an anachronism now. My Mum is late 70s and I imagine, having worked in offices all her working life, she probably still would do that if she were writing an official letter, but not a Christmas card, say.

I think it's a bit odd, but only slightly more odd than taking the husband's surname which is a very widespread practise that no-one really questions.

Names and titles are a minefield. Let's say John Smith and Mary Jones get married.

Historically Miss Mary Jones then becomes Mrs John Smith.

More recently most people would assume she is now Mrs Mary Smith.

Problem 1: She may not have changed her surname.

Problem 2: She might have been Ms before and wants to continue being Ms now, whether she changes her surname or not.

Problem 3: Many people simply can't get their heads around someone being called Miss and also being married, so if she wants to go on being Miss Mary Jones it's not going to go smoothly.

Problem 4: Lots of people would never even think to wonder if she is actually Dr/Professor.

Problem 5: a few mostly very old people (e.g my Mum) would automatically address her as Mrs John Smith even now.

Meanwhile, John Smith was and remains Mr John Smith. If anybody calls him John Smith Esq. there's still no confusion. Nobody knew before if he was married, nobody knows now. Stupid system.

I loathe this and was first time I saw it and it must have been decades ago now. But then I never changed my name on marriage and nor did my father walk me down the aisle as I didn’t like the symbolism of being handed from one man to another. And I love Ms! If you really want to call yourself by your husband's first name, that’s up to you, but please don’t do it to me!!!

When I was at Uni, about ten years ago, I had flatmate who was very posh (at least to me!) and she received a fair few invitations to her friends’ 21st birthdays saying RSVP Mrs John Smith. The people sending the invitations were probably in their late forties or early fifties, so I don’t think it’s an age thing

Love all the people saying it’s fine because x y z was the case in the 1970s

Loads of things that were considered perfectly fine in the 1970s are now considered archaic/inappropriate/sexist/racist/whatever.
Just because you were taught something at school in the 1970s doesn’t mean that’s still the right thing to do 40+ years later [newsflash]

Here comes Godwin.

I think it's vile. Basically erasing the woman in a relationship altogether. When we got married, my DH addressed the thank you card envelopes like that. I told him to never do it again.

My grandparents address cards like this even though my DP and I aren't even married

I remember at school we used to have to write down our parents preferred titles in advance of parents evening so that name labels could be made for them. A friend put hers as Mr X and Dr X as her mum was a Dr, but they ended up with Dr and Mrs badges instead, so her dad spent the evening as Mrs X.

My mother does it and cannot be convinced that marriage does not forcibly change a name. But as I have so few people left who send me cards I have stopped arguing.

Doesn't happen with real life as with our different surnames few know we are married.

I'm astonished that any woman would be happy with this to be honest. I know that this is the traditional convention, but it's so blatantly rooted in misogyny that I don't know why all women aren't desperate to ditch it. Just because something has history and is a tradition doesn't mean that we should be keen to continue it.

Also don't understand the objection to using Ms? I can only imagine anyone that's bothered by this seems to view being married as a sign of status. Weird!

I absolutely detest it. If anything comes addressed like that I glower at the envelope and refuse to open it as it doesn’t have my name on it. I judge the sender massively and delegate any further communications with them to my DH. Snarl.

What really throws the traditionalists is calling me Dr!

Wow, I'm a pretty staunch feminist, and this doesn't bother me in the slightest. It's only letter writing convention, I've never been addressed as Mrs DH and surname in person. I think I address my Xmas cards this way...

What really annoys me more is the NHS convention of calling me as Jane Smith and the men in the waiting room as Mr Brown, Mr Jones. The Dr who says come in Jane I'm Mr or Dr or Miss White.

I refuse to be subordinated by other humans. It's Jane and David or it's Mrs Smith and Dr White. I don't mind which but I do mind about inequality when being provided with a service that I have funded.