Wife name forgotten in title

[musicislife]

Does anyone else find it really backward that in the 21st century a married couple should be addressed as ‘Mr and Mrs Frederick John X’, which makes it sound as if the wife is barely an after thought, being blessed as she is with a mere three letters in the whole title?

I'm not Mrs John Doe, I'm Mrs Jane Doe and anything that comes to the house is returned to sender unopened and with that written on it.

I've no interest in convention. I'll not be written out of my own life thank you very much.

My MIL does this. But she's 96 and not going to change now.

We get Christmas cards addressed to us like this from my DH’s family. It drives me spare. I gave up my family name of my own choice. I didn’t realise that I was going to have my first name wrenched off me too.

I remember as a young teacher getting enraged by one parent insisting on writing to me as “Dear Sirs”. I was told it was simply convention but to me it came over as disparaging and rude.

When dh and I got married we changed the order around and put my name first in the invitations. I had no idea it was even a thing but apparently it caused quite the flurry of eyebrows being raised

I’m rather amused at women getting so offended by this when they are perfectly happy to call themselves Mrs . You are already defining yourself as your husband’s wife! It’s not much more of a stretch to use his first name instead of yours.

It is a stretch. One is a choice and the other is not.

DD's School addresses their letters like that. I've fed back, pisses me right off

DD's state school didn't. I was surprised they weren't aware of correct forms of address tbh.

I was brought up in the 90s and 00s to address my thank you cards at Christmas and birthday this way. It’s been a while since I sent any cards now but I think my go-to would be Mr and Mrs J Smith, simply because that’s what I was taught and I’ve never thought any more about it. However, now I’ve considered it I will never use an initial again. It would infuriate me if I was married and I would hate to cause offence to anyone else, and no one could be offended by the lack of an initial could they?

more annoyed if someone dares to say “ms” or partner not husband

This. I do (politely) correct people, but I am married, and Mrs/husband is my preference. But I am a person and a professional in my own right so Mrs YBR is appropriate.

Well, stop changing your names on marriage then.

I didn't. My husband took my name.

Technically we should me Mrs. & Mr. Eve Surname instead of Mr. & Mrs. Adam Surname. And yet...

I do this. More because it's the correct etiquette. I would stop for anyone who asked me not too. No objectors so far. I'm in my forties.

"I’m rather amused at women getting so offended by this when they are perfectly happy to call themselves Mrs . You are already defining yourself as your husband’s wife! It’s not much more of a stretch to use his first name instead of yours."

Don't be so ridiculous! 99% of people I meet/interact with don't call me Mrs [DHsurname], they call me by my first name. My identity is predominantly and inextricably tied up with my first name. As well as the fact that I chose to change my surname (and only my surname).

Therefore it is a gigantic 'stretch' and pretty insulting to ignore my first name and decide on my behalf that I don't want or need to retain my own identity just because I changed my surname on marriage.

"it's the correct etiquette."

According to who? Debrett's? I think the best person to decide on what an individual's 'correct' name is, is that individual themselves, not an ancient and outdated tome like the Debrett's guide.

I'm glad to hear you've had no 'objectors' to your use of ancient misogynistic forms of address so far. Hopefully you are not taking that to mean everyone is happy with it.

I don't go as far as complaining to the actual person who's done it when I receive correspondence addressed that way. Doesn't mean I don't object, it means I don't want to make a fuss or upset the person and life's too short. I just adjust my opinion of them, unless they are an elderly relative.

But it's still rude to address people in ways you know they object to

Knowing they object being key. For a couple where the woman has taken the man's name I assume they are also following the convention of being addressed as Mr and Mrs J. Smith. If they let me know they object I would stop but otherwise I just follow convention.

I get annoyed by envelopes addressed just to Firstname Surname. I like formality in addresses!

Not as annoying as having the county included. That's my real bugbear

Correct etiquette. Old fashioned. Sexist.

The world has changed but why does it make it wrong to address someone as Mrs Jack Brown?

I worked for someone (well off, Jewish) (stated as don't know if cultural) and they sent a gift to my boss with a card saying Mrs Matthew Summer (not real name).

I have a friend in her 80's and she used to write to me as Mrs Dh initial Dh and now my surname. Since I told her I liked it (years ago and felt it was quaintly old fashioned and correct) she hasn't done it since .

We got a wedding invitation a few months ago that was addressed that way.

I wasn't aware that convention had moved away from the form:

Miss Herinitial Hersurname & Mr Hisinitial Hissurname

• get married and she takes his name, becoming

Mr & Mrs Hisinitial Sharedssurname

• but a card to her is

Mrs Hisinitial Sharedsurname

• and only when he passes away does she become

Mrs Herinitial Sharedsurname

*the second line should read "she chooses to take his surname"

*Mrs Hisinitial Sharedsurname

• and only when he passes away does she become

Mrs Herinitial Sharedsurname*

My widowed friends are still very much Mrs HisInitial Sharedsurname and like it that way. When one of their daughters recently married the invitation was from Mrs James Dawkins (made up name).

DHs family do this shit. Firstly I kept my name so I am not Mrs Hissurname and never will be and I am certainly not Mrs hisname hissurname. Last year I circled every one put return to sender recipient does not live at this address and popped it in the post. Not one of the cowards dared say a word. DH did comment it was odd his family hadnt sent cards.....

”The world has changed but why does it make it wrong to address someone as Mrs Jack Brown?”

Depends whether that’s her name or not. If her name is in fact Judy, then addressing her as Jack is wrong. If her name is Jacqueline and she is usually known as Jack, that’s a bit different.

If her name is Judy, then it’s a bit rude to just assume she subscribes to ancient etiquette. Much safer to just call people by their actual name.

The only person I send mail to addressed like this is a widow and she likes her husband to be remembered by getting mail addressed to Mrs John Smith. It makes her happy and it's no bother for me. I don't do it for anyone else though.

DappledThings - county?

Cowards ?

OhTheRoses
Oh yes! This is so annoying. When I worked in the NHS (for many years) it was accepted wisdom that if you knew a patient well and used their first name, they also have the right to use yours-otherwise it is simply patronising.
The other annoying thing is the inappropriate use of styles - My DH and I, both Dr, he gets Dr DH surname I invariably get Mrs My surname. Wouldn't mind if it was Ms-just NOT Mrs.