People who never contribute to conversations

[daytimemom]

Another evening spent with my brother and sister-in-law, neither of whom make any effort to make conversation. They will happily chat away if other people speak to them first but never start a conversation. After asking them both about work, their holiday & how they are I gave up when I got nothing back. They have always been like this. Love talking if spoken too but never ask about anyone else.

Why are people like this? It reminds me of a woman I work with. Loves talking if I initiate conversation with her (I know all there is to know about her grandchildren) but never once asks how I am.

What is it with these people? Genuinely would love to know, as they are exhausting to be around!

Shyness? I know what you mean and I'm never sure whether they're worse or better than people who don't stop talking and manage to dominate every conversation.

In my case it is because I am shy and think I have little worthwhile to add to the conversation.

It's not adding to the conversation though Haberpop, I get what you mean, but the OP is saying they don't ask anything about anyone else.

My DP is a bit like this.

He never asks anyone any questions about themselves. His logic is that he'll only ask questions he genuinely wants to know the answer to rather than just for the sake of small talk.

He doesn't want to know about colleagues' children, pets, houses, holidays, partners, commutes etc. so he doesn't bother asking.

He sounds an absolute joy fishchops!

Know what you mean op and it's draining.

Best way around that Haberpop is to ask about the other person.

I'm like this. I genuinely struggle with small talk and my mind just goes blank when I'm trying to think of questions/topics to talk about with the other person.

I struggle with the line between smalltalk and being nosey. I'm very, very private and think anything beyond 'how're you?' in smalltalk is a bit too much. I worry about pissing people off, making them feel put on the spot or asking about something that's a sensitive subject for them.

I do this. It's not that I'm not interested. Partly I can't think of anything to ask (I know, it sounds ridiculous, but my brain just seizes up and can't think of anything at all!) and partly it's that my mother brought us up not to ask questions because 'it's being nosy'. To be honest, I think she's just not that interested in anyone but herself and therefore has decided asking questions is intrusive and impolite. But it rubbed off on us anyway and it's very hard to fight it.

Maybe they're MNers and are now terrified to open their mouths in case they upset someone, and will now read this and realise that by not opening their mouths they have upset someone. It will send them into an existential loop and the only way for them to resolve it is to spontaneously combust. Or for the man to take up a mysterious MN HusbandHobby which excuses him from all familial and social obligations (usually cycling). So if your brother buys a bike and lycra you'll know why.

I've been in the position as a young person in a workplace being talked about as being "nosy". They were a toxic wee group who did this, with a habit of picking on all new entrants about something/ anything. But it has stopped me taking too much of the onus of continuing conversations on my own shoulders: it can be misinterpreted. And I'm naturally reserved anyway.

SodTheBloodyLotofThem: basically something like that! Lol.

Because small talk is draining? I'd rather talk about science, nature and the Universe than what nail polish to get.

DH has a very old friend whose like this. Never asks questions, terrible conversationalist. His wife is barely any better. It’s SUCH hard work to be around them.

If you don't contribute to conversations you are making other people uncomfortable.

I’ve been told this is me and I find it quite insulting. I find small talk dull and quite difficult and there are usually certain people in any given situation who dominate conversation. Everyone has different personalities. I would never dream of criticising someone for talking too much but it seems acceptable to criticise those who don’t speak a lot.

My DH’s friend is also super arrogant, rejecting other people’s ideas that are different to his own however blindingly obviously he is wrong. There’s just basically no exchange of idea or opinion at all.

People who don’t speak a lot tend to be quite narrow minded, I find. Perhaps because there isn’t much exchange of ideas on their lives?

I'm like this. I have autism and find initiating conversations very difficult. So sorry I exhaust people like you but then you have zero idea how hard it is.

People who don’t understand the complexities of human interactions or recognise that not everyone is the same are narrow minded PP. How offensive.

Another example where I am reserved is with family or friends known to be touchy. It's purgatory I agree.

I think the asking questions bit doesn't come naturally to some people and some people have never learnt the skill of doing it or continue to find it difficult.

I've just spent the whole work day fobbing off a dull colleague with noncommittal answers. Maybe they just don't want to chat? I didn't.

I do this all the time. Also autistic. Lovely to know that people think it's exhausting. I try really hard, but small talk isn't something that comes naturally at all (and I think that's the case for a lot of people, whether it's anxiety, shyness, autism, or something else entirely).

I find making conversation hard, but often I'm forced to do it because of people who do not make the effort. When you are with other people try asking yourself 'how am I making other people feel?' Rather than 'how do I feel?'