People who never contribute to conversations

[daytimemom]

Another evening spent with my brother and sister-in-law, neither of whom make any effort to make conversation. They will happily chat away if other people speak to them first but never start a conversation. After asking them both about work, their holiday & how they are I gave up when I got nothing back. They have always been like this. Love talking if spoken too but never ask about anyone else.

Why are people like this? It reminds me of a woman I work with. Loves talking if I initiate conversation with her (I know all there is to know about her grandchildren) but never once asks how I am.

What is it with these people? Genuinely would love to know, as they are exhausting to be around!

Shyness and social anxiety and low self-esteem! I'm worried about being laughed at or ignored if I instigate conversation. Workplace bullying in the past has made me very fearful of starting up a conversation.

Plus, those who say they don't want to offend by asking the wrong question: after answering someone's question about your own holiday and going on about it for 10 mins, do you honestly think you're going to offend by asking "and how about yours? this exactly. I don’t mind quiet people, it’s the conversation vacuums who don’t bother to ask anything back about you

YES! Too many people. Used to be just all the men in my family. They are jolly hard work. Now I am finding school gates hard (many English as a second language doesn't help). No one seems to instigate conversation or have anything to offer when I start a conversation. Even old friends who I can't see due to location (but used to hang around with in real life and had no problems with conversation) that I message, don't want to bother to type anything or even reply. I am naturally chatty amd happy to do small talk. I am now actually quite lonely. The only conversation I get is perhaps at some kids classes where the mums have a similar background to me. But that is only once a week for a few minutes.

I'm another whose brain seems to seize up in these situations. I can't think of conversation starters or even follow ups. I'll have a conversation with a colleague and they'll ask how my weekend was or something and about an hour later I'll think "you should have asked how theirs was you idiot"

I can't think of conversation starters or even follow ups. I'll have a conversation with a colleague and they'll ask how my weekend was or something and about an hour later I'll think "you should have asked how theirs was you idiot" sorry but how on earth can you not automatically just say “oh how was yours” back? It happens every week!

DH never asks questions of any sort. I asked him why once and he said he assumes people will tell him whatever they want him to know. He doesn't ask questions for any sort of information, he seems to assume that he knows all the answers already, and if he doesn't no one will. Straightforward arrogance, that.

If you don't contribute to conversations you are making other people uncomfortable I'm not as bad now, I talk a lot but when younger I just couldn't. It's not that I didn't want to,I just couldn't. People probably thought I was being anti social/crap. No, just if you weren't a close friend or family I couldn't speak. Then got a bit better but still couldn't initiate small talk. I'd talk if you started first, but was crap at initiating conversation topics myself. Now I'm older I'm better but wasn't always that way!

Shyness and social anxiety and low self-esteem! Never suffered from low self esteem but shyness and social anxiety I definitely sympthasise with.

I do sympathise with those saying it's hard work dealing with these people but I can see how it could happen and I think I possibly do it too but I hate the idea that it's making someone uncomfortable. It really stems from having an unpleasant father who has told me that nothing I say is worth hearing, basically, all of my life. As a woman I apparently shouldn't have opinions, I'm stupid, worthless etc. I should just not speak. I'm 43 and this is still his opinion. This means I don't think anyone really wants to talk to me anyway. However it's complicated by the fact that of course my father's behaviour naturally made me shy - so my mother used to nag me about that, saying shyness is silly and pathetic, it's rude not to answer or to shut someone down when they're talking to you and asking questions etc! I couldn't win and the result is that now I know I'm shit at conversation, which makes me even more inept because I'm nervous and worried about offending and doing the wrong thing. If someone asks a question I try to answer well to avoid being rude, but the whole process takes so much energy out of me so I often then don't respond in kind, because also once I've finished my mind is busy running its infernal, eternal internal commentary telling me I've just made an idiot of myself and no-one wanted to hear what I just said. These days, frankly, I mostly try and avoid conversation altogether.

I'm a fine with a little small talk, not much beyond that unless I feel a nice friendly vibe. periods of silence don't make me uncomfortable at all but complete silence from someone would just make me feel this perhaps isn't the best time to talk, and I'd wander off pretty quickly.

I suspect your brother and sister-in-law just don't much like company, OP. They bear with it politely but that's all.

SharpLily bloody hell.. I hope you don't keep avoiding conversation, not with the way you've just expressed your story. You are brave. Sometimes strength is quiet. & that's ok.
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Wow, @Mistress DeeCee, thank you. You are very kind.

@SharpLily are you me? Though it was usually my mother saying that i had nothing of interest to say - then shutting me down by telling me that my lack of social skills was pathetic. Her social skills are of course perfect as she's one of these people who has to totally dominate conversation and never shuts up. Kia kaha, it's shit isn't it. I second all the above posters who say their mind goes blank in conversation. I've held so many disastrous conversations that now I actively avoid social situations, other than 1:1 coffee with people whom I know aren't going to judge me.

I knew a couple, they worked at the same firm as DH. They never, according to DH ever said a word, not even to each other. Or started a conversation, would respond likewise to a good morning, but never say it firstly. Sat in the canteen, etc always together but not a peep. Socially they would chat a bit, but never continue a conversation after usual greetings, platitudes etc. It was astonishingly uncomfortable to be around them. They were in a silent bubble. Nowt so queer as folk.

Posted too soon. ..sorry. it was uncomfortable because I always felt as though I was making all the effort, making them welcome, and so on. Nicely, not gushy. Nothing was ever reciprocated. They were both only children and didn't have their own. Maybe they were so self contained they just didn't need anyone else. I still wonder if they are still alive and together.

Yes, but the people in the OP will chat endlessly and happily about themselves, but never ask about the other person, so not really comparable to you painfully shy or non-NT people.