People who never contribute to conversations

[daytimemom]

Another evening spent with my brother and sister-in-law, neither of whom make any effort to make conversation. They will happily chat away if other people speak to them first but never start a conversation. After asking them both about work, their holiday & how they are I gave up when I got nothing back. They have always been like this. Love talking if spoken too but never ask about anyone else.

Why are people like this? It reminds me of a woman I work with. Loves talking if I initiate conversation with her (I know all there is to know about her grandchildren) but never once asks how I am.

What is it with these people? Genuinely would love to know, as they are exhausting to be around!

Plus, those who say they don't want to offend by asking the wrong question: after answering someone's question about your own holiday and going on about it for 10 mins, do you honestly think you're going to offend by asking "and how about yours?"

Also - completely agree with you Spreading.

DP and I were once friendly with a couple who were like this. The husband was fine on his own actually, but together they were really hard work and we got exhausted thinking of ways to keep the conversation going. They never enquired about our lives or asked about our news. Then they split up nd we heard from another mutual friend she’d been going round saying how boring she thought we were.

I'm non-NT and I've had to learn small talk. I think It's part of your responsibility if you join a social situation. I'm now at the point where I could do an hour chatting with nearly anyone. Sometimes it's hard. Most of the time it's at least partly fun. Sometimes it's me chatting for an hour 😂 which isn't my preference but needs must. Watching people who do it well (or even asking them how they do it) was key for me learning. It's kind of like being the one to always host or organise things. It's very easy for people to sit back as say "but darjeel LOVES to make small talk/host/organise activities" when the reality is I'd fucking love other people to step up more . You don't understand the effort which goes into it until it's you doing it. And for most people it is effort.

If you've made the effort to visit someone, or they've visited you, what do you actually get out of the visit if you don't talk to them and ask how they are, how their family are, what they've been doing since you last saw them?

I had this with a family member once. I hadn't seen her for a while, I asked all the usual questions and heard all about what was going on in her life, and she didn't ask me a single thing about what I was doing, my work, my friends, anything. Made me feel that she wasn't interested in me at all.

My df is a listener not a talker. He gives great advice when asked but would much rather I tell him stuff. He feels he is being intrusive by asking and doesn't actually have much interest in the answer, even though he is v fond of the person. I have to prime dc - tell grandad about your trip to x, tell grandad about what you did on the weekend.

I guess I'm guilty of this sometimes though I try hard not to be. I'm naturally shy, and was brought up to be quiet at the dinner table whilst the adults talked.

Somehow I've not ever really got past the point of realising a) I'm now a grown up and b) I don't need permission to ask questions anyway .

I also have posher relatives who consider themselves to be conversationalists but I find their barrage of questions intrusive - there is usually an agenda - and worry that I won't live up to expectations.

Questions asked to keep a conversation going aren't always about showing genuine interest in the other person. I cite PP "but they never ask about meeeeeeee"

It can be torture with some people, I feel I’m making all the effort. I’ve tried to smoke them out by copying them and not talking but then I feel really awkward. Some people are hard work.

Honestly? It’s just part of social convention. That when you are out with people, you talk to them. Whatever floats your boat, better if it’s something you know the other person is interested in but you just don’t sit silently and keep your mouth shut for the whole of the meal (or only answer questions when they are asked). I get that people are shy (but I imagine you wouodnt be that shy as to not say a word for 2 hours with someone you know well enough to go out with). I get that people are on the spectrum (H is and tbh it’s bloody hard work to never be able to have a conversation/small talk). But the bottom line is that keeping soient like is against convention which means you are likely to upset the other person in front of you.

I imagine I'm a hairdresser if I'm struggling and think what would they say.

It's normally shyness but sometimes people are just rude.

[Anyone else having problems formatting paragraphs btw?] Yes, thought it was my device.

Bil and sil once called in talked at me about their hobby for 45 minutes non-stop. My eyes were like those cartoon red ones with all the veins. When they left I mentioned I was just packing to visit Maria. “Who’s that?” says sil vaguely. My sister, and I have known bil and sil for nearly 30 years.

Questions asked to keep a conversation going aren't always about showing genuine interest in the other person. You shouldnt need questions to keep the conversation going though. If you do, then you don’t have a conversation imo.

I am jealous of the people on here who can still do paragraphs.

I have a lovely friend and she and her DH join us for casual lunches/suppers occasionally. He will literally sit there, eat three courses, drink, and not join in conversation once, or ask any questions of the people who sit to his left or right. He doesn't even say anything when he leaves! I find it quite rude tbh but put up with it for the sake of my friend. ( I know he is capable of conversation because we both used to be members of the same interest group and he used to rattle on forever there! )

To be fair, OP is talking about work, which isn't a something most people choose to do and family, which is often loaded with expectations that you see certain people at certain times in certain situations rather than truly choosing to be in that social situation.

Plus, those who say they don't want to offend by asking the wrong question: after answering someone's question about your own holiday and going on about it for 10 mins, do you honestly think you're going to offend by asking "and how about yours?" hmm

I'm not one of the people who go on about myself at length but don't you think that doing the echoing questions back at people thing gets weird after a couple of times of doing it? I always feel like I'm in some sort of weird speed dating type interview when I do that.

Questions asked to keep a conversation going aren't always about showing genuine interest in the other person. You shouldnt need questions to keep the conversation going though. If you do, then you don’t have a conversation imo.

That's kind of what I meant Hermione a conversation shouldn't ever feel like an interview, but with these people, I get the sense that they are conversing merely to be seen as polite. It's forced somehow.

When growing up, my parents told me not to ask questions as it’s potentially intrusive, and that if someone wants me to know something, they will automatically tell me. This has made me a shit conversationalist, and I really struggle with small talk if I meet someone as inhibited/reserved as myself.

Funny you say that Dolce: I never went on holidays as a child so I'm always aware that people may not have the cash for them. So unless I know their financial position/know they have been away already, I don't want to embarrass them by asking or talking about my own trip. (My DH says it must be exhausting being in my head. It's not, really.) With people open to it I am chatty, but I'm careful and totally get why some people really don't want to chat. Oh and you'd be amazed what my mil can find to be offended by. Once a guy advised her on how to save on her household bills ( ok not the most scintillating conversational gambit) and she took grave offence..( I so miss paragraphing.)

I think if you aren't prepared to make an effort with conversation it's better to stay at home

My DS is like this (well, he's not even particularly chatty even when you start tbh) he is painfully shy and socially anxious and I agree it's hard work and we do try to make him not like this but it's a real struggle. If it helps, he wishes he wasn't like it either but he just freezes inside if he needs to speak to people :(

It my case it's because I am shy and because I feel I have nothing valuable to add to a conversation. If someone asks me a direct conversation I can happily answer and ask them the same question back. But ask me to start my own conversation and I'm stuffed :(

I am jealous of the people on here who can still do paragraphs. grin

Don't know how other people are doing it but copying and pasting a paragraph break into the message box works.

Both my husband and two of my children have ASD. My youngest will actually talk non stop whether you are interested or not but DH and DD2 find it really hard to initiate conversations. When my in laws visit it was always up to me to keep the conversations going, one day I decided I had enough as I found it so draining (not a fan of the in laws at all) and stopped. Now when they visit we all sit in near silence- it’s bloody awful!

All the people complaining about how it’s ‘torture’ speaking to someone who is naturally reserved, this is how I feel in around 90% of social situations having to listen to other people and answer their never ending questions. However I'm happy with who I am and will not be changing and neither should the talkative people have to. so maybe a little understanding and tolerance from us all is what’s needed.