People who never contribute to conversations

[daytimemom]

Another evening spent with my brother and sister-in-law, neither of whom make any effort to make conversation. They will happily chat away if other people speak to them first but never start a conversation. After asking them both about work, their holiday & how they are I gave up when I got nothing back. They have always been like this. Love talking if spoken too but never ask about anyone else.

Why are people like this? It reminds me of a woman I work with. Loves talking if I initiate conversation with her (I know all there is to know about her grandchildren) but never once asks how I am.

What is it with these people? Genuinely would love to know, as they are exhausting to be around!

Waxonfeckoff I think if people are genuinely excruciatingly shy, or socially anxious, or have a mh issue, then any reasonable person would be understanding of that, especially if the person concerned is young.

I think if a person was struggling but trying most decent folk would try to help them out. It's when people don't feel the need to try that it's torture.

I have a number of people who are really hard work with making conversations yet they still seem to want to go out so one assumes they are not keeping quiet because they don't want your company. It's almost as if they're happy to just let someone else take all the responsibility of entertaining them and finding conversation topics. It's hard work! We also have neighbours who invited us round for a BBQ when we first moved in and they spent 3 hours telling us all about themselves and how clever their kids were etc as we asked questions but not once during that whole time did they ask us anything about ourselves. DH and I went home completely bemused by it.

Thanks spreading I do totally agree with the OP as it is frustrating and a pain, but I think most of the people who are dealing with the other side of it feel the same. I attempt to have practice conversations with him but most of the time he just goes mute as he then feels under pressure. Not sure what the answer is but he is 18 now and just started Uni.

My best friends family are like this! I went to a Family BBQ of theirs and tried desperately to make conversation, which continuously died they are also historically extremely rude. When we were younger my DM and I went to pick BFF up and her mother and sister completely ignored us even though we were alone in a room with them. I've never known a family so rude my BFF is the exception and is very different

Myself my DM and late DGran when alive all refer to talking my Mums SIL as "like pulling teeth" getting her to say anything that isn't a wishy washy platitude is a task.

I've no idea why so many people are taking offence and saying they are shy or autistic or whatever, when the OP is not talking about that at all. She's talking about a woman who is happy to talk all day if you prompt her, but who doesn't show the slightest interest in the OP. That's nothing to do with shyness or anything else, it's just rude. And for those who deliberately don't talk when they go out (example of a guy coming to dinner who doesn't speak) - they should stay at home.

Conversational skills (and the reasons we need them) should be taught at school. It would help all of us.

Mh health issues aside, on the subject of youth and RL social interaction (and very much at the risk of sounding like an old fart) I don't think we do our offspring any favours by not encouraging them to get off their phones and engage with actual strangers occasionally! When I was a shy teen, my late ma used to tell me that if I was feeling self conscious, I needed to be equally conscious of others as of myself!

I agree, conversational skills don't come naturally to everyone and ideally if you see your child struggling you should try to teach them how a conversation works.

Oh and to the PP who said think of how the other person feels, I do which then makes it worse. I then end up stuck in an anxious loop of worrying what they think which makes it even harder to say anything at all and my mind goes into complete shut down so then I just stay totally silent. This is mainly the reason I avoid people as much as possible

Can you just think of the offenders as lurkers and carry on chatting with the people who do engage?

Plus, those who say they don't want to offend by asking the wrong question: after answering someone's question about your own holiday and going on about it for 10 mins, do you honestly think you're going to offend by asking "and how about yours?" Well, if I spend too much time on here, yes, I never fail to be amazed at the creative ways in which people can take offence. Sometimes I think the best way to deal with these events is to politely decline them well in advance.

've no idea why so many people are taking offence and saying they are shy or autistic or whatever, when the OP is not talking about that at all. I said I was autistic as I was answering the question asked why are people like this? for me autism! I’ll answer peoples questions if they ask but don’t always see the need to ask them back.

This and people, who ask you a question about you so that they can answer it about themselves. My mother does this all the time just so she can talk about her health. It’s hugely frustrating.

Ive learned how to do small talk and i know those who dont that dont talk to me unless spoken to are those who dislike me. They are from my inlaws side of the family and will sit there like statues when its only me near them, yet you cant shut them up with other people

DB does this...on the phone. He calls me. I ask how the kids are, how work is, how his GF is etc. We get through that quite quickly. He throws in a couple of random facts about something he's bought this week or something one of the DNs has said. Then....awkward silence. Which can stretch on for quite a while. Quite often I try to end the call with 'Well I'll let you go then' and then he'll ask how I am. I talk, he doesn't really respond or ask any further questions and then it all goes quiet again. I wouldn't mind so much if I'd called him and maybe he was busy or not in the mood to talk, but You Called Me! He's the same in person, and he's not particularly self centred or anything, just that the art of natural flowing conversation seems to have passed him by! I think he gets distracted by whatever is going on in his head and sort of forgets what's supposed to happen next.

I'm quiet. I find it really annoying when people witter on all the time. Give it a rest. Sit and chill.
The quietest people have the loudest minds.

But it’s not just small talk. This is my brother and his girlfriend (known the girlfriend for 10 years) so it’s not because they are shy. We know each other very well. I would happily talk about anything they bring up but they just never initiate a conversation! I don’t understand the posters who say it’s because they’re shy, how does that stop you from talking to people you know? Strangers yes, but family, friends, work colleagues etc surely they’re worth talking to!

I think I read that people who don't ask questions and don't contribute as much are narrow minded.

I don't say much because I'm very broad minded. There's many chatterboxes who have opinion after opinion....after opinion....I've learned over the years to be quiet

What I've found is when people are hard work making conversation with...it's generally because their uncomfortable. Make them feel comfortable....find out what you have in common and they'll relax and chatter away.

And in most cases I think it's OK to decide that, should the conversation not flow, that you're just not each other's type of person, and leave it at that. I get how personal it can feel, though. There was one school gate mum, several years ago, who used to give me sulky one word answers when I tried to make conversation, and then I wondered what I'd done wrong when I saw her chattering away to another mum a moment later. It felt like a snub and made no sense. I quickly decided it wasn't me, it was her, or I would have been sent into a painful tailspin of overthinking and self-doubt it was a relief to find I wasn't the only one

I'm with PoisonousSmurf and Lime. Some people do go on.

I was with someone the other day chattering on that she hates to go to the supermarket on her own.

I need the word REALLY!? tattooing on my forehead

In my experience with DS, it doesn't matter that he knows the person, it can still be a struggle.

I’m ok at initially putting people at ease, but then rubbish at small talk mainly because I don’t really want to talk about myself or you, as I don’t find it interesting. But I do get that I need to work on that, because without that you can’t get to the deeper more interesting conversations. And I also have a habit of unintentionally cutting to the chase when people confide something in me, mainly because I’m a therapist and I only usually have an hour 😂.

OP I'm shy and struggle even chatting to family. I don't really know why. I think I just feel I have nothing worthwhile to add or that they won't care about what I have to say and that extends to them answering any questions I ask them. It's probably quite a self-perpetuating cycle though

SEN taken out of the equation, it is poor or under developed social skills.