People who never contribute to conversations

[daytimemom]

Another evening spent with my brother and sister-in-law, neither of whom make any effort to make conversation. They will happily chat away if other people speak to them first but never start a conversation. After asking them both about work, their holiday & how they are I gave up when I got nothing back. They have always been like this. Love talking if spoken too but never ask about anyone else.

Why are people like this? It reminds me of a woman I work with. Loves talking if I initiate conversation with her (I know all there is to know about her grandchildren) but never once asks how I am.

What is it with these people? Genuinely would love to know, as they are exhausting to be around!

"People who don’t speak a lot tend to be quite narrow minded, I find."

People who talk a lot are boring. You find yourself zoning out from their constant droning.

If OP finds it exhausting, which is her right, people piling on to say they find her saying it offensive because they're crap at chatting don't alter her experience of being on the other side of it.

PoisonousSmurf I feel like this often

Shyness is an excuse.

Crap at chatting. Lovely

Mate's DH is like this. It's like pulling teeth.

It's not just the OP though, several posters have said it. Others are just pointing out that there may be a very good reason that they aren't that chatty, and just to consider that as a possibility instead of finding it 'hard work' and 'exhausting'. Small talk is absolutely exhausting for me, but I do make an effort.

I have autism and just find small talk to be a bit exhausting, so tend not to engage with it unless asked, just feels a bit of a pointless dance, asking questions that neither side are really interested in!

I am not like this now but I can understand genuinely not knowing what to say as I really struggled with small talk as a teenager and young adult. These days I have learned lots of conversation starters and I remember things about people so I can usually think of something to ask but I can still get stuck thinking of what to say if it's someone new.

Well daytimemum, think of it this way: that it's a lot better than talking nonsense. I've always felt that if you have nothing to say, say nothing.

I struggle to think of questions on the spot. Could write them down beforehand or afterwards just not when I need to. Also sometimes I hold back from asking something in case they've already told me and I wasn't paying attention. If it bothers you then just don't try talking to them? I quite like silence, there doesn't always have to be noise and interaction.

I’m with you OP. We meet another couple regularly for dinner and always leave feeling exhausted from having to ask questions and generate conversation. Sometimes I think it’s their turn to make an effort and we just sit there in silence which I find so awkward. They always say they have a nice time and to meet again so I just don’t understand it?! The people on here who say they don’t like small talk, would you honestly rather sit in silence? And if it’s the ‘smallness’ of the conversation that offends you why don’t you start a conversation about politics etc rather than judging the other person for making an effort?

The people on here who say they don’t like small talk, would you honestly rather sit in silence?. I don’t find silence awkward, I appreciate some do so they need to fill it, but sitting in silence for parts is not awkward for me.

I’m naturally a bit like this and have to consciously make an effort to ask questions of the person I’m talking to. It also feels like I’m being overly inquisitive plus I don’t want to ask the wrong question and make someone else feel uncomfortable.

I hope you have stopped meeting them for dinner Chunky. That sounds awful. Of course they have a nice time because you are doing all the work and showing an interest in them.

I would never dream of criticising someone for talking too much but it seems acceptable to criticise those who don’t speak a lot. My experience is the opposite.

Of course, some people would rather sit in silence just like some people don't pause to breathe in conversation. Most people fall somewhere in between. Chances are, somebody's always going to be frustrated or feeling awkward when it's people are opposite ends of the scale trying to socialise together.

Lots of posters on here saying they don't or won't or can't do small talk. Why agree to any social invitations then if you are going to sit there in silence being bored by conversations that others are making the effort to engage you in? In the OP's case, so the relatives don't do small-talk and shouldn't have to, so what's the solution - everyone sits there in silence?

I totally get shyness/awkwardness/mumbling/stuttering etc etc. What to me is unacceptable is if you ask someone about their work/hobby/ family and they drone on and on but don’t ask you anything - or, even worse, when you say, “Oh, I went to Mars last week” - and are met with utter silence.

Oh god I know what you mean op. I'm part of a group of four friends and one of the women literally never speaks at all. For example I have two children and she has never asked me a question about them. I did wonder if we just all talked too much, but if you asked her a question its like getting blood out of a stone, just one word answers. I often wonder why she bothers to come out with us, she can't be getting much out of it.

A lot of PP haven't understood OP at all. It's not about being shy or reserved as these people are happy to bang on about their own lives til the cows come home. It's that they don't give anything back in terms of conversation, i.e. they never ask any questions back. The excruciating people I know who do this are most certainly not shy, they just seem very self-absorbed.

I think if you have been invited to participate in a social occasion then it is good manners to "repay" your host by "earning your dinner" as it were and making an effort to engage with, and show an interest, in others. And equally, in situations where people are thrown together, such as at work, you are not obliged to make small talk of course but again it is polite to ensure that where there is coversation, it is a reasonably equal exchange, ie one person doesn't talk about themselves continually or exclusively.

[Anyone else having problems formatting paragraphs btw?]

Yes Spreading. It doesn't work.