Bizarre comments your children have made

[ContessasGulagSpaDay]

DS2 (6yo) turned to me while we were watching some cartoon and commented, casually "Mummy, my willy is SO STIFF and it won't go down". I stared at him for a moment before admitting that I had no idea how he should address this issue

Please tell me the weird shit your DC have said that you can't really share with other (non-anonymous) people

2 yo DS had a habit of shouting "Daddy!!!" at men we had never met before
One time it was while we were at breakfast on holiday and a man got up to make a cup of tea, he shouted daddy and the man absolutely laughed his head off. His wife however, did not

DD likes to affront me in public toilets... once on the day of a spray tan when there was some tan on underwear.. "Yuk Mammy there is poo all over your pants!!!!" At the top of her voice...

Similar occurrence when she asked really loudly if I did a poo.. I told her to shush and she asked if it was a secret.. I said yes to make her give over even though it was just a pee... she waited until we were washing our hands to announce to the whole fecking place that Mammy just did a secret poo so don't tell anybody.

I don't take her into public toilets any more... 😳😳😳

Also, EVERY time he is pretending to be a lost baby (it's his favourite) he always says his mum died in a car crash. He can't just say she's at work or something, always dead!

The ones that spring to mind ds1 when he was 8ish asking his dad if he could get a snake coz he was very sweaty?? The other is ds2 who told me WHEN he chops my head off (not sure when he's planning this)

I remember when DS was about 5 he came out with "Mummy, how can you walk after you've had a baby?" I replied "what do you mean DS?" not really understanding where this was heading. "Well", says DS, "when you have a baby they cut right across your tummy so how do your legs still work?" As he is the youngest of 2 and neither of them were born by Csection, I'm not sure who had been giving him lessons in how babies are born but he didn't get that little nugget from me!

Ds age 5 just said to me "I hate you mummy, you're the best"

Spending the last afternoon with my 4yo before her first full day in reception and said jokingly "what am I going to do with myself next week, I'll miss you so much!" To which she replied completely solemnly "don't worry mummy I'll always remember you... (pause)...even when you're dead"

Mummy is uncle x fixing you too? My best friend's dh was sorting my car a while back and decided i must if needed fixed too 😂

DS aged 4 told his teacher that he had itchy parsnips. Obviously she was confused, so he lifted his shirt up, pointed at his nipples.As I'd only ever referred to them as his nips, he'd assumed I'd been abbreviation parsnips.

On holiday my youngest dd who had been a sleep for ages staggered in to the lounge and looked me dead in the eye and said "want to see my belly button"! Weirdo!

My eldest was delighted with herself age 5... she ran in to get me dragged me back to the paused tv and played the no no pro hair removal advert to me... I stood their baffled as she played it about three times... looked at me and said in a matter of fact way... you need that! Cheers love

Oh and the time she wanted to dig up the dead hamster.

I was telling DS just before he started in reception that he would get into trouble if he continued to hit people or things if he was angry/didn't get his own way.

"It's ok mummy. If the teacher tells me off, I'll just kill her and all the other children too."

Thankfully his psychopath tendencies seem to have been a brief phase 😂

And DD
"I love you more than lemonade and lollipops Mummy!"

"That's lovely. But you don't like lemonade??"

"No. I don't. I'm not that keen on lollipops either to be honest!" 😂

As a result of this thread I've started listening with more than half an ear to DS2's incessant wittering in the hopes of obtaining new material. I swear to you that every other word that boy utters is sheer bonkers. He wanted to replace his hand with a whisk earlier, then 'turned me into wood' with it, then assured me that it was ok because I still had a mouth I don't know how to feel about it anymore but it is (mostly) comedy gold....

Tilly! You have carriage returns!

Dd (7) said "I'm awarding this kitchen a 1 star rating for false advertising!"

'I love a trip to the tip at the weekend' He's nearly 16, I suppose I should be thankful he's not smoking crack down the skate park. (Tbf I quite like the tip).

Since observing a family member BF, my DD (7) has begun to shame me for bottle-feeding. (I had no choice and have explained this). No journey is complete without a disapproving voice from the back of the car remarking out of the blue: "Well, when I have baby I will CERTAINLY be feeding them out of my own udders." She also warmly congratulated the family member on her fine udders.

Working with two children today (age 7) who had their arms linked when should have been working. I said ‘what are you two up to?’ First child says ‘we are best friends’ second child says ‘with benefits!’

My dd2 just turned 6 comes out with utterly bonkers things, I wonder about her sanity daily.... a few examples...

A discussion on how teddies are made "they kill the animals, suck out all the insides and put stuffing in them" she then preceded to say we could stuff the cats or me or daddy when we died. We had recently watched Paddington 😂

A loud question on "how do men be ladies" on a very crowded bus. She wasn't content with dressing, she asked about boobies and willies. Was a fun awkward bus ride.

We saw marshmallows on the way to school. Obviously unicorn poo from the baby unicorns who dance in the clouds at her school.

Unicorns do not like rain. Very matter of fact. They can't fly in the rain.

She's told me she's never moving out, she's staying with me till she's 100.

‘On my next birthday I will be 4, then 5, 6, 7, 8, And then my last birthday will be 9’. Er I hope not DD...

courtney thats hilarious! I love that he never questioned why they were called the same as the vegetables.

@MrsNacho your ds is hilarious!

“Mummy, me and Grandad have been looking at birds! He showed me the big tits!”

DS aged around 2 used to get given the end of a French stick to chew on when sat in the supermarket trolley to keep him quiet. If there were none ready in Tesco I'd open a packet of biscuits and give him one. He soon learned and anticipated it though as soon as his arse hit the trolley seat he'd start shouting 'big tits' 'big tits' at the top of his voice! DD aged about 5 used to be very particular about her clothes and hated zips, labels or anything that's made her feel restricted. I can remember putting a dress on her one morning and she just collapsed to the floor shouting 'I'm not wearing this - I look like a lesbian'....