Bizarre comments your children have made

[ContessasGulagSpaDay]

DS2 (6yo) turned to me while we were watching some cartoon and commented, casually "Mummy, my willy is SO STIFF and it won't go down". I stared at him for a moment before admitting that I had no idea how he should address this issue

Please tell me the weird shit your DC have said that you can't really share with other (non-anonymous) people

DD aged 6: 'I wish you were blind.'
Me: 'What? Why would you wish that?"
DD: 'Because then we could have a dog.'

'Mum, you know when I'm older if I don't get a job and I have to live on the streets, if you passed me by would you give me money? Oh no wait you'll probably be dead by then anyway...'

'I don't want the tooth fairy to come, she'll knock my teeth out and steal my money.'

'Mum, don't freak but I've done a little piss.'

To a chubby bloke in the swimming pool: 'Excuse me, you've got very developed boobies.'

I could go on…

Oldest DS at 3 and a half at about 4am really loudly:
"Mummmmyyyy!!! Wake up, I need you now, right now!!".
I wake up and run to the bathroom. "what's the matter?"
DS: (excitedly) "Look Mummy, I've just done a poo and it looks EXACTLY like a dinosaur. I thought you'd like to see it".
Umm, thanks son.

Nothing to add as my dc is still baking currently but placemarking as some
Of these are so funny. Can't wAit to see what my own cherubs come out with

Driving my nephew home last night. He's two and a half and obsessed with diggers. He also has pretty clear speech for his age.

Nephew: stop the car!
Me: What? Why?
Him: Stop the car Auntie Wou!
I pull over in and get out to check on him, expecting something bad. He's completely fine and grinning.
Me: why did we have to stop?
He points at a mini digger on the side of the road and says in a very satisfied way diggers!

I swear this kid is going to give me grey hairs before he even starts school.

Loving these

On the nicer side, I put DS1 and 2 to bed last night (bit later than usual, after a tiring day) and was fussing in DS1's room before asking him if he had everything he needed. He grumpily replied "Yeah, everything but my MUM" (meaning he wanted me to come over and snuggle with him), which made my heart swell because his behaviour to me usually indicates a wish that I'd fuck off. Ah, 7 year-olds.

We were staying in a holiday inn for one night and around 9pm dh had to nip to the car for something.Ds 4 pipes up "daddy's died" I said "what??" He repeated it again, cue me thinking hed keeled over in the car park or something and that ds was psychic.Dh walks in 2 mins later perfectly well and v amused at what ds had said

Banterlope 😂

After I'd yelled at DD for something:
DD: "I'm going to go and live with my other mummy"
Me: "What other mummy?"
DD: "The olden times lady who visits me in my bedroom at night. She said I can go with her and be her daughter"

One day DD was playing happily on the floor, turned around and looked just over my shoulder and said:
DD: "Mummy, the man in the top hat wants you"
Me: "What man?"
DD: "He's standing behind you. He used to live here until he died"

My daughter is fucking terrifying.

@Banterlope

'Mum, don't freak but I've done a little piss.'
Amazing. We've all had nights out like this.

Another Discussions of the day! Damn, I'm inspired this week.

Nothing to add apart from loving these 😀😀😀

my 2 year old boy had a tantrum this morning including throwing himself to the floor when I told (for the millionth time) that he cant grow babies in his belly. this has been going on for months and he is adamant that he will grow up to be a mummy and push babies out of his bum hole

DS (11) woke me up at 5am with Mummy, Mummy what do you want from the Co-op? I am going there when it opens at 7am. It's a few doors down from us.

Me I don't need anything thank you.

DS You must need something Mummy think really, really hard.

Me Biscuits

DS Good answer Mummy I Iove biscuits.

@DearTeddyRobinson

Have you never read 'where Willy Went'? It's very good. It's all about a sperm called willy (which is a bit confusing) and his journey:

www.waterstones.com/book/where-willy-went/nicholas-allan/9780099456483

Haha no never heard of it! Every day's a school day. Not sure if I'm ready to read about sperm to my 5 & 2 year old though. That might be a job for DH

After burying our beloved pet cat dd asks "what are we going to do with her when you are in a care home? "
Ds replies "it's ok I'll come and dig her up"

When 13 year old ds was about 2.5 he was sat quietly with his eyes closed and a huge smile on his face. I asked him what he was thinking about and he replied

‘Oh nothing really, just what it would feel like to kill a duck’

He’s the most loving boy now, a vegan to boot, but I must admit I slept with one eye open for a good few years 😂

Gone I'm vegan myself and can assure you we have just as much capacity for violence as anyone else, but it's much more likely to be directed at humans who we feel have earned it in some way than on small fluffy things. So maybe your one eye open approach is justified!! Disclaimer: am not an actual murderer.

I took DD's the park one weekend, we bumped into DD's friend and his Dad there. My DD went around for months afterwards telling everyone "My Mum likes kissing Toby's Dad" DH thought it was hilarious.

DD aged 6: 'I wish you were blind.'
Me: 'What? Why would you wish that?"
DD: 'Because then we could have a dog.' OMG I’m dying, trying not to laugh in a waiting room

@Rufusthebewilderedreindeer ha ha ha. That - and your follow up- made me splutter on my drink!

'When I grow up I want to be a dinosaur boner' (DS)

My two recently announced they were going to play “rock, pisser, scissors”. They’re 5 and 7.

When DS was 4 he constantly used to say things about his great grandparents dying such as "they're going to die soon though aren't they!" In a fairly positive tone he loves them really!