I have never looked as much a complete idiot as I did this morning.

[DoubleNegativePanda]

I was running late this morning and ran around like a crazy person getting us out and on the school run. Dropped dd off and ran into work late, joined the morning staff meeting in progress. Coworker motioned at my legs and whispered "what happened?" which of course while quiet still caught the attention of the group who all looked at me.

Somehow, and I have no fucking idea how it happened, I trod in butter. Why was butter on the floor? I couldn't tell you. So there I am in clinic, standing there with a fucking lump of softened butter all over the side of my shoe and smeared on the legs of my scrubs (which must have happened when I was driving).

I had to consciously stop myself from dancing around trying to hide my foot behind myself which would only make it worse. Then I had to go stand in my pants in the bathroom trying to scrub butter out of my trouser legs with hand soap. WTAF is happening in my life that I'm standing in my pants at work with butter on my shoes.

Before anyone asks me how I failed to notice it myself, I have gigantic massive norks and haven't seen my feet in decades.

I'm just at a loss. I'm also a bit scared to go home and see what carnage I've made of my house walking around with butter feet, and how much worse my cats will have made it.

I'm not the only one in this household who has clothing related disasters. DH has form too. He went off to the toilet at a party and when he pulled his jeans up he managed to catch the plastic rim block cage in the belt loop at the back.

I was out at the shopping mall about to meet up with my teenage daughter after school finished, when a woman about my age came up to me smiling. I smiled back in case she was someone I knew and then she said "excuse me, but did you know you have toilet paper hanging from the back of your trousers?"

I was in equal parts both mortified and incredibly grateful and managed to splutter out a thank you before trying to discretely removed the long white trail.

Thankfully there weren't many people out and about that day, and thankfully the offensive thing had had been removed before my self-conscious teen arrived.

I still live in fear that someone took a photo and there will be a meme about the middle-aged fat lady dressed in black proudly wearing the white toilet paper tail.

😭😭😭😭😄😭😭 cant remember the last time i laughed
this much. Thats hilarious!

none of these are as bad as poor Judy Finnegan's collapsing top, as at least they weren't being watched by 1000s and filmed to be re-watched for ever... (Even if they felt like it at the time)

What the fuck is this talk of farting without even feeling a fart there? Are you telling me in the not too distant future I will be walking around farting with no control??

The person in front of me at the vet forgot her dog so... 😂

@Newyoiker 😂😂😂😂

New job, open plan office with my desk approximately a gazillion miles from the toilets. Wearing a skirt and new tights that weren’t long enough (I’m very tall) and too small on the waist. Walking to the bathroom and I feel the tights begin to roll down.

Two choices-

1. Stop dead and try to pull up through my skirt but all colleagues will see me basically playing with my knickers.
2. Leg it.

I went with 2).
And I very nearly got there before my tights reached my knees, bringing my knickers with them.

Update: There was no butter anywhere to be found when I got home this evening, but all three cats shot out the door as if launched the moment I opened it. I imagine they were having a bit of digestive distress.

At work 2 lots of overseas visitors arriving at same time. Call from receipts on that 1 group arrived. Put lip balm on, had cold, on lips bit outside too wrntbto collect. Receptionist said Erm batty, I said not now, took visitors to room, gave intro presentation, colleague took over. Back up reception, second set, receptionist remnants batty. Not now. 2nd room , second presentation. Due back at first room. Running between 2 rooms. Eventually receptionist grabbed my arm showed me a hand mirror. I hadn’t used lip balm but a bright red lipstick on my lips but all over.

I remember a story about a man whose toddler daughter was potty training and he pulled out what he thought was a handkerchief from his pocket to blow his nose on, in a meeting, but actually it was a tiny pair of girls knickers.

I set out for work once and discovered on the bus that I had plonked my handbag (which I then put on my lap) onto a plate of toast liberally covered in peanut butter.........

Bluntness I am crying with laughter at the ' nodded' curtly. In fact this thread is hilarious

Great thread, the appearance of yesterday's knickers, I would just die.. I have committed some of these, including odd shoes at work and setting off to work without a skirt on.

I had to attend a big meeting and dress formally for it. Somewhere in the middle of it, I looked down and my voice dried up mid sentence as I noticed the side seam label sticking out.. . I don't think anyone else noticed, or maybe they were too polite to say anything.

I was at a large funeral for a popular work colleague, wearing one of those unstructured suits, with a long top over a skirt, and the elastic went in the skirt. I tried clamping my arm firmly to my side, but that wasn't too successful. As we all filed past the coffin, I had to have one hand conspicuously stuffed under my top, holding on to my weirdly lopsided skirt and then shake hands with the grieving family amongst dozens of colleagues. And then hobble away.

at Mickey Mouse ears

After an ‘odd shoes’ incident closely followed by a ‘trainers that I drove here in’ incident I now keep a pair of plain black shoes in my desk drawer. Also handy for the ‘damn, the elastic on my sling backs has unravelled’ moment I had last week.

When ds was a couple of weeks old I got us all up in the morning, managed to get kids dressed and fed, for the first time since ds was born she arrived at nursery on time, I went to the supermarket with Ds for a food shop, and generally felt very accomplished when I got home.... That is till I took off my coat in the hallway and realised I'd forgotten to put on a skirt when i got myself dressed that morning. Yep, I'd been walking around town in a short coat and tights for half the day.

My husband, who is the sensible none stupid one of the two of us, was carrying something in - think tabletop or otherwise. He got about 3 steps in the house and I said "What's that on the floor?" He had stood in black car polish and walked it into our biscuit coloured carpet....

Oh my god these are hilarious 👏👏👏👏

@MadamBatty that is soooooo funny, sorry. I have tears running down my cheeks. What did you do when you realised you had bright red lipstick all around your mouth? 😭

I told a school mum that she had a roller in the back of her hair. This was home time and she'd been shopping, to the bank and various other places and no one had mentioned it.

I was mortified @Italianna, the receptionist said I kept trying to tell you. One group was from Kosovo & the other from Vietnam. I could only hope that they thought that bright red lipstick all over my face was a cultural custom. My other colleagues said nothing either!

First day at new job after having DS1.
Colleague discussing something with me has a blob of mayo on his top lip.

I tutted, grabbed his chin and wiped it off

If it makes you feel better, earlier I dropped DS off at nursery with a toilet roll stuck to the back of my jeans. Literally, tucked in the top of my jeans, and waving in the wind behind me like an embarrassing cape. Thank god it was clean

@DragonScales 😂 how short was the coat? Did you cover your bum?

I've walked through the shops before without realising that I had a clean pad stuck to my leg. I must've somehow pulled the paper bit off and sat on the sticky side.