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Original poster

Could you send your 13 year old away to boarding school?

266 replies

ShowOfHands · 17/09/2018 18:58

If offered a full scholarship to an outstanding boarding school 150 miles away? If there was no way you could afford private education and your child was quite remarkably bright? The alternative is a good local comprehensive. Would you even consider it?

OP posts:
Lauren0rder · 17/09/2018 21:47

After tonight’s shenanigans and attitude, hell, yes.

I’ve packed his bag.

Stupomax · 17/09/2018 21:55

I 'sent' my just-turned-14-year-old. Actually, I allowed her to go when I wasn't quite sure she was ready. Turns out she was more than ready.

She's now in her final year and has absolutely loved it. I can't think of another school in our state that could have met her needs in the same way.

I have zero regrets. She was so unhappy before, and she's been so happy since she found this school. It was life-changing. TBH I would pretty much overturn any of my principals to see her this happy compared to how unhappy she was before.

She sounds an awful lot like your DD, OP. Knew her own mind, astonishingly clever (no idea where it came from). We're in the US, and she's applying to college at the moment and she'll most likely qualify for all sort of financial aid based on her PSAT and SAT scores. The fees we've paid have effectively already repaid themselves.

But most important to me is that it's made her so happy and fulfilled.

Stupomax · 17/09/2018 21:57

*principles...

Although I'd quite like to overturn some principals I've met.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds General education Private schooling Secondary education
Mishappening · 17/09/2018 22:02

In a word No. Children of that age need their parents; there is more to life than education.

Pissedoffdotcom · 17/09/2018 22:04

You can still be emotionally available to your child when they are away! My mum & I had a shaky relationship when i went to boarding school - i was an out and out daddy's girl - but she was the one who was at the other end of the phone any time i needed her. She was my rock if things sucked. That was from a totally different country. 10 years on my mum is still my best friend from that. There's a difference 'sending' your kids away & offering them the opportunity

NotHermione · 17/09/2018 22:18

Can she go as a weekly boarder?

I'd be cautious. It rings alarm bells for me that she can 'talk the talk' about emotional regulation at 12 - understanding the intellectual concepts behind emotions is not the same thing as emotional maturity. If anything, it seems almost too quick and neat a response - the naivete in dismissing that she could be sad or homesick at all.

You can think you're basically grown up at 12 - but you really, really are not.

StayOutOfTheForrest · 17/09/2018 22:37

It’s all about getting the right school for the right child. Your DD sounds exceptional and she has won an amazing opportunity (which is probably worth about £300k?) a dit sounds as if she would benefit.

BeardedMum · 17/09/2018 22:39

No way but my children are never leaving homeWink

Blameanamechange · 17/09/2018 22:46

I wouldn't. It's different if they had always been in the boarding system (although I wouldn't send at all anyway) but to start when a teenager is a time when dcs need you even if they don't realise it! If she's bright and determined she will get where she needs to be. I would reconsider at 6 th form. She might have changed her mind by then. She'll grow up quick if she goes and you might regret sending her. Hard decision for you.

Deadringer · 17/09/2018 22:49

No

Autumn2018 · 17/09/2018 22:51

Not in a million years could I send my kids away from me.

I don't know about them, but it would destroy me! I'm pretty sure it would not be good for them emotionally either.

I can't see the point in having kids to send them away from you. It is such an alien concept to me. I'm fascinated that it's actually a thing. Fascinated as in fascinated horror.

Even with the best education, a job is a job at the end of the day. Money is money. When it all boils down to it, life really is like a game of monopoly. It doesn't matter if you were the dog or the shoe, or whether you had Mayfair and Park lane, or just Euston station, it all gets packaged back up in the box when the game is over.

People are more important than status and work and money, IMHO. Just couldn't do it.

NotHermione · 17/09/2018 23:27

I'm not anti-boarding school per se, flexi boarding can be really useful and beneficial for example. And lots of fun for a child.

But would be very wary of sending a child to school for weeks at a time, only coming home for half terms and holidays.

crosstalk · 17/09/2018 23:44

Yes. She sounds very bright, individualistic and capable. BUT are there things that she could do there (sports, music, drama, languages, science) that she couldn't do at the good local comprehensive since she's bright, individualistic and capable? why does she want to go?

She can always come back. She can speak to you daily (though boarding schools usually say you don't call them for a week - parental concerns often precipitate teenage concerns). If she does go, just talk to the school about your worries. Make sure you know the pastoral care system.

I agree you shouldn't land your principles on your child - as Diane Abbott, Harriet Harman et al have said. But prepare to defend them to the hilt.

Stupomax · 17/09/2018 23:48

But would be very wary of sending a child to school for weeks at a time, only coming home for half terms and holidays.

Does that typically happen at boarding schools nowadays? It certainly isn't the case at DD's boarding school. She comes home every few weeks, and we go up there fairly often in between.

AlexanderHamilton · 17/09/2018 23:50

My 16 year old has just gone but only 45 miles away. Many of her friends went at 11. But her school is highly specialist in a particular area with about half to two thirds of children on means tested funding.

What does she want to do?

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 17/09/2018 23:57

I wouldn’t. I honestly believe that family life is more important. Amongst other things.

D2018 · 17/09/2018 23:59

If DC wanted to go then yes I would. It sounds like a fantastic opportunity and would open lots of doors for her. If she tried it and hates it then you can bring her home but i think you need to give her this chance.x

Camomila · 18/09/2018 01:15

At 13 if they wanted to go, yes (I say that as a fellow co-sleeper, extended bfeeder etc)
Id let them know they were always welcome to change their minds.

None of the people I know who went to boarding school seem scarred by it. Most talk about it really positively.

UpOnTheDowns · 18/09/2018 01:50

And I do think my socialist principles matter tbh.

They really don't. Have a look at how Labour luminaries from Harold Wilson to Diane Abbott chose to educate their children.

Katedotness1963 · 18/09/2018 02:39

It would depend on what the child wanted. I'd find it hard if they went away, but if that's what's best for them, and it's what they wanted I'd have to agree.

When we lived in Germany I knew someone whose child went to boarding school in the UK. I don't think I could have done that, send my child away to a foreign country for so much of the year...

SallyVating · 18/09/2018 02:52

Absolutely. 13ish is when they turn into hormonal lunatics. Send them off and let some other poor saps deal with it

FabulousTomatoes · 18/09/2018 03:03

No. My dd was actually far easier, pliable and seemingly mature in Y8 than she is in Y10. Similarly my other dd is Y8 now and at times more mature than dd1. I think it’s quite common for mid teens to behave more irrationally than early teens due to hormone levels and (in dd’s case and rather ironically) a rise in self-confidence.

I have no idea what dd1 would be like if she were at boarding school, but just Imagining that she couldn’t come home every night from her local day school, I know she’d be bottling up an awful lot of stuff that she comes home and talks to me about. She is feeling pressure both socially and academically, and home is her pressure outlet.

FabulousTomatoes · 18/09/2018 03:05

I will just add that when she isn’t behaving like a feisty rooster, she’s amazing company and I would hate to not get to enjoy the spontaneous fun times with her.

Autumn2018 · 18/09/2018 06:10

People saying she could change her mind...
I thought the OP said they couldn't get it free if she changed her mind at any stage, and that she can't afford to pay for it?

So if thats true, then no, she can't very easily "just change her mind" if she is feeling differently about it next week.

Movablefeast · 18/09/2018 06:19

Is it Christ's Hospital? My mum went there.