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Original poster

Could you send your 13 year old away to boarding school?

266 replies

ShowOfHands · 17/09/2018 18:58

If offered a full scholarship to an outstanding boarding school 150 miles away? If there was no way you could afford private education and your child was quite remarkably bright? The alternative is a good local comprehensive. Would you even consider it?

OP posts:
Secretsquirrel252 · 17/09/2018 19:50

Yes because you’ve said she wants to go. If she’s unhappy , she can come home again. If you stop her from going you are taking away a huge opportunity for her and she’ll resent you for it.

Secretsquirrel252 · 17/09/2018 19:52

And your principles don’t matter here. It’s about an opportunity that’s being offered to your DD, not you.

glintandglide · 17/09/2018 19:55

Yes, it would absolutely depend on the circumstances but what an opportunity! I would certainly encourage it for mine

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crumpet · 17/09/2018 19:55

I would do it, especially as she wants to. At the end of the day you could give it a year and then move her back if it didn’t work out.

But I would not let her be put into a position to feel guilty about my feelings at all. My feelings should not influence her.

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 17/09/2018 19:56

I asked her just now if she'd resent me. She says that she couldn't resent me, only my actions but even then she would struggle because she trusts me to make the right decisions for her and she ultimately, accepts them. I asked what she'd do if she had bad period pains, no chocolate and somebody laughed at her new haircut (she shaves her head) and she said there's no changing people and her emotional regulation isn't so fragile that one bad night can shatter it.

THIS is what I'm up against.

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 17/09/2018 19:57

No I wouldn't. But DS doesn't like sharing a tent on scout camp so would never be keen in any event.

Wheresthel1ght · 17/09/2018 19:58

Wow. You have a genius on your hands!

It sounds like she has her head screwed on and knows her mind. I agree with the poster above, let her go. If she hates it she can come home

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 17/09/2018 20:00

Never in a million years

Secretsquirrel252 · 17/09/2018 20:01

Are you sure she’s 13????

Check out the details of the offer to make sure you’re not committed to covering fees if she leaves mid year. If it’s ok, why not let her go and see how she finds it?

Secretsquirrel252 · 17/09/2018 20:01

Is it the yellow stockings place?

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 17/09/2018 20:04

She isn't 13 yet! She's a funny old bean. I like her very much 😊

If we left mid year, we WOULD be liable for fees. We'd be liable if we accepted and then changed our minds before even starting.

OP posts:
CeeCeeMacFay · 17/09/2018 20:04

Thinking outside the box could you move close enough for her to attend as a day pupil?

HavelockVetinari · 17/09/2018 20:06

You'd be putting your own needs before your DD's if you refused. Think about what SHE wants. Worst case - she hates it and transfers to the local comp. It'd be really awful to deny her such a massive leg-up in life (although I totally get why you'd struggle - DS is only 14 months but I get a bit teary thinking about him being away from us). Flowers

Chin up, you can do this.

HavelockVetinari · 17/09/2018 20:07

N.B. please don't let her realise you don't want her to go - at 13 guilt should not be holding her back!

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 17/09/2018 20:10

We could move I suppose but we're working really hard to start a new life elsewhere. Moving 150 miles in the wrong direction would affect our overall plans as a family.

My colleague today said that the choice is impossible because we will never recreate this opportunity in any meaningful way with our limited funds and access to experiences but they will never recreate the family who made her the person she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShowOfHands · 17/09/2018 20:13

She couldnt transfer mid year.

A very good friend boarded and hated it, whilst acknowledging the benefits to her career. She chose to only allow her DC to board from 6th form onwards. It has given them the best of both worlds.

OP posts:
Citylivingwithdogs · 17/09/2018 20:15

100% yes but only if I felt she had the right personality and wanted to go.

fussygalore118 · 17/09/2018 20:15

I would let her go..it she sounds like an amazing girl and it sounds like it could be a excellent opportunity.

If she can come home at weekends and you can chat during the week then I genuinely would do it in a heartbeat.

I'm a socialist at heart and my daughter is at private school....it half kills me but she is absolutely at the best school for her. And that is what's Important.

Secretsquirrel252 · 17/09/2018 20:16

She wants to go. You have an offer of a free place with all the bells and whistles. Would a year (with a term’s notice) leave you free of any financial obligations? If so, talk to her about how she’d have to stick it out for a year even if she doesn’t like it and see how she feels.

Dragoncake · 17/09/2018 20:16

Wise words from your colleague.

I would let her decide.

user1486076969 · 17/09/2018 20:16

Absolutely, in a heart beat if she wants to go, such an amazing opportunity.

Secretsquirrel252 · 17/09/2018 20:22

I’d actually be more worried about sending off a 16 year old. I think at 13 they’ll get a lot of support adjusting to being away from home and it’s easier for the school to deal with issues with friendship groups and bullying.

OlafLovesAnna · 17/09/2018 20:23

Have just done so - he was miserable in the local outstanding comp but we couldn't get to the bottom of why exactly. We talked about options, one of which was state boarding, another was local fee paying school.

After visiting the boarding school he loved it and started 3 weeks ago. So far so good and it is exactly his 'thing' loads of co- curricular, busy all the time, lots of sports. It is NOT his brother's cup of tea at all so I doubt he'll go when he reaches the same ages but I'll see how he feels when the time comes.

I don't like my eldest being away and I miss him terribly but I can see that it's a really positive experience for him.

ballseditupforever · 17/09/2018 20:23

Surely there are day schools nearer? I'm not fundamentally opposed to a boarding schools but if it's not something you have contemplated as a family for years I think it would be a big shock.

ivykaty44 · 17/09/2018 20:25

Thing is the 13 year old could try it and see how they get on, who to know until they try.