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Original poster

My DD is confused and a bit upset by gender fluid teacher

354 replies

CosmicCanary · 17/09/2018 18:12

DD is 11 and in her second full week at high school.
We were going through her home work today and part of it is drama.
She needs to learn the meaning of various words such as reflection, preformance spontaneous etc.
DD loves drama and is very enthusiastic about it now being a weekly lesson. I asked if she was enjoying it and she said yes but she is confused.
She said she does not know what to call her teacher.
I said Ms, Mr or Mrs last name.
DD said its not like that. The teacher has said they can call her Ms Mr or Dr as they are gender fluid and their pronoun is they.

I said well call them by any of those then if they dont mind. DD said its hard as the teacher is a Ms/she/woman and although she is trying hard to remember the they pronoun she (DD) keeps getting it wrong.

DD is a very kind and does not want to upset her teacher as she likes her/him/they very much. DD is also scared as she does not want to get in to trouble as, and I quote "misgendering is a crime".

I have reassured DD that her teacher has said its fine to call her Ms Mr or Dr so she has nothing to be scared of and wont upset the teacher.

In private I am very angry. My DD has enough to deal with and worry about just starting high school and now she has to deal with a teachers chosen identity and the worry that if she slips up because despite the short hair and Mr reference her teacher is a woman.

This is not trans bashing before that gets thrown at me I am just upset my DD has to deal with this when it only benefits the teacher and causes distress to a child.

OP posts:
lostfrequencies · 17/09/2018 19:53

Hmm.

Miladymilord · 17/09/2018 19:54

Yes hmm. Hope this isn't a thread started to harvest twitter comments

opemin123 · 17/09/2018 19:54

"DD said its hard as the teacher is a Ms/she/woman..."
Your child has already correctly identified the teacher as female. This is how the world identifies men and women...by their sex.
I personally would encourage my child to keep speaking her truth and help her be able to verbally defend that position. It's disrespectful to expect folks to deny reality so that an individual can opt-out of the basic rules of language...communication and identification.

For less than -7% of the population...we have to change the meanings of so many words and perceptions? Nah..i don't think so.Good luck with this whatever route you take.

RiverTam · 17/09/2018 19:55

Goldenbug are you being dense or just dismissive? The OP ‘s DD is worried because she referred to her female teacher as she (which she is, regardless of how she identifies today) and is worried that she will get into trouble or have committed a crime. So, quite a lot for a child just starting secondary school to worry about. Caused by a narcissist unnecessarily confusing children.

OlennasWimple · 17/09/2018 19:56

Please reassure your DD that it is absolutely not a crime to get a title or pronoun "wrong" when you are talking to (or about) someone

Oddcat · 17/09/2018 19:57

Didn't the teacher just introduce themselves at the beginning of the lesson ? Good morning everyone, I'm Miss Drama ( or whatever they want to be called) . They really have made it so much more complicated than it needed to be.

I'm going to refer to everyone as thingybob from now on

tolerable · 17/09/2018 19:58

whats a pronoun????//////

Gileswithachainsaw · 17/09/2018 20:02

Hang on so she can call her miss or ms but not use she?

I'm.bloody confused and I'm not 11.

What a load of bullshit. This is all validation nonsense.

Oddcat · 17/09/2018 20:02

At my DD's old school, teachers were never called Mr/Mrs , female teachers were called Madam and male teachers were called Sir . I wonder how they get round this gender fluid malarkey?

DiegoMad0nna · 17/09/2018 20:02

Lol at pretending this isn't an anti-trans thread. Good one, OP.

MaisyPops · 17/09/2018 20:04

DiegoMad0nna
The key is (as many people have said) that the staff member can be called what they like, just pick it and keep it simple for the kids.

There doesn't need to be any anti trans at all (if indeed this is an accurate post).

0hCrepe · 17/09/2018 20:05

Ds had a teacher who called themselves mx and they. She has now changed to she.
I assume the drama teacher doesn’t mind and has a doctorate or PhD. They have a right to do that and ask to be called that. Doesn’t mean they’re a monster.
I don’t think the issue is the teacher, it’s the hype surrounding them that’s worried your dd. You need to ask her more about why she’s so worried, where did it come from. Explain she will meet people the same as she grows and this is a good learning experience for her. Plus as others have said, she wouldn’t refer to them in the third person in front of them anyway. If she did in front of a friend and they took issue with it, that’s the friend’s problem.

sansouci · 17/09/2018 20:08

I have this problem in university. The pronoun thing drives me nuts; I just can't remember which one to use. At the risk of being flamed on here, I find the whole gender fluid business intensely annoying and "precious". Just pick a gender, FFS!Angry

SausageOnAFork · 17/09/2018 20:08

This reply has been deleted

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user1499173618 · 17/09/2018 20:13

My DD (13) had a gender fluid tutor at a summer school this year. She found the whole thing deeply patronising but said the girls in the group, she included, “got it” and were respectful of the gender fluidity. The boys, however, just couldn’t grasp the concept at all. All they could see was a very badly made up man in a skirt asking them to tolerate what they perceived as juvenile behaviour.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 17/09/2018 20:14

Diego - the reached didn't say they were trans, but gender fluid. Why does every variation of gender ID have to be trans these days?

sansouci · 17/09/2018 20:14

I have two transgender people in my class and I think it's wonderful that they can be the gender they identify with - the idea of being a man trapped in a woman's body or vice-versa is horrible. It's just the pronoun thing that gets to me. And the repercussions if you make a mistake! So yes, I feel for your daughter but she (and I, I hope!) will eventually get used to it.

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 20:15

If I was a TRA I’d trot off to Mumsnet and start a thread like this and wait for some nice juicy screen shots so I could post all over the show about what a bunch of nasty bitches Mumsnetters are

Cosmic isn’t a TRA?

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/09/2018 20:16

DiegoMad0nna

This situation is actually very simple, they just use one pronoun.

And that can be used in pretty much all circumstance.

Original poster
CosmicCanary · 17/09/2018 20:16

Sorry I have not read replies yet but I have spoken to DD.

I asked her what she found confusing about the teacher.
She said all her other teachers are just Mrs or Mr last name. She has never had a Dr teacher before. She said Auntie ( dads sister) is a Dr but we just call her Auntie whatsit.
I told her that if she as she goes through school up to uni she will meet Drs and professors its normal.
She then said the teacher is also a Mr but she is a woman and women are not Misters. Thats why she is confused.

I told her Mrs/Mr is just a title and does not mean anything really in everyday life. I said Dr last name is easy to remember so use that.

The misgendering is a crime was a bew thing today at lunch.
When DD said "yes she is nice" a friend who has the same teacher said her auntie said misgendering is a crime and you should not do it.
I do not know this friend it is somebody new to DD so I dont kniw why she said it.

I have told DD misgendering is not a crime. I have said you should be kind but saying she instead of he will not mean she is punished.

I want so much to tell her she used the correct pronoun as the teacher is female but doing so would it seem cause more confusion and upset for DD.

I have left it for now. I think I will ask her again after her next drama lesson.

I will think about chatting to her head of year but not sure what to say.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 20:16

I’ve been on Feminist threads with her!

DiegoMad0nna · 17/09/2018 20:16

This situation is actually very simple, they just use one pronoun

I agree. I'm not sure why you quoted me to say that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/09/2018 20:17

SausageOnAFork

If a TRA is going to use this thread then they are really scrapping the bottom of the barrel, there are much juicier ones on MN

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/09/2018 20:18

DiegoMad0nna

Because you are the one saying that the thread is "anti trans", when the issue stems from the teacher and their approach to this.

DickTERFin · 17/09/2018 20:21

If a TRA was going to make up this scenario to get screenshots it’s an own goal because they have painted the gender fluid character out to be an insufferable narcissist.