How long did you/would you take off work when a parent dies?

[Rainatnight]

My dad is dying. I've already taken a week off work when it looked like he was about to go, and then didn't. But he almost definitely will at some point over the next few weeks.

If you've lost a parent, how much time did you take off? I guess I'm just worried about feeling ok enough to be able to function and cope in work (I'm reasonably senior, have a big team, can't be weeping at my desk etc!)

Thanks

I'm a sahm but dh worked from home on the day my dad died and took one day of annual leave for the funeral.

I'm sorry that your Dad is dying.

I ended up having about 3 months off, sudden death. My company organised counselling and had a good sick pay scheme.

My company gives a week’s paid leave. I went back after a couple of days as it was better to be busy than moping (for me) and DM would have been horrified to have me under foot being maudlin. I then took the rest round the funeral (which was a couple of weeks later).

I was very grateful that it was paid. I would have needed those blocks of time regardless.

But it’s very personal...and can catch up with you later. I find myself missing DF most days, often during my drive to work. I probably only spoke to him every couple of weeks once I’d left home.

so sorry you are going through this

I think it varies a lot, and also on the circumstances. For example a sudden car crash may require more time than the death after a long illness. (not that your grief is less, just the need to process the shock)

My friend took the time between death and funeral, which was about 2 weeks, then went back. But her mum lived a long way away and she needed to stay with her dad and sort out the funeral etc

About 6 weeks when each parent passed, that was enough (just) for me to get through the day in one piece. There were still moments when I had to excuse myself, and I was very careful to avoid people for things like lunch/quiet times as the ‘head tilt, sympathetic eyes, are you Ok?’ Was enough to set me off.

So sorry you’re going through this, take whatever time you need. You can make up your work whenever, but you’ll not have the chance to spend time with your dad forever so that’s the priority.

Compassionate leave in our organisation would typically be about 5 days for a parent, plus extra time off for the funeral.

For some people, that seems to be enough, but others need longer - typically, they tend to go and get signed off by their GPs in that scenario. I don't think it's a one size fits all thing, as we all have different circumstances.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. When the time comes, I think you should take whatever time you need. I always say to my team that they'll be no use to anyone in work if they come back before they're properly ready.

Sorry to hear this. I took a week and a bit when my mother died, and that was OK (but my mother had been ill for years, and I wasn't leading a team so didn't have to be 100% on the whole time).

Couple of months, but I ended up being signed off again a few months later because I really was not coping. So take as long as you need if you can. There's no right or wrong answer. I know people who've been back within days.

I still regret not taking more time off in the lead up to their death. At the time I was worrying about work, being an inconvenience, letting people down, whatever. Afterwards I hated myself for having been at work instead, and it still shapes how I view work - a job is nothing compared to the people you love.

Take care

Depends massively on your situation - you must do what's right for you.

I took 11 days when my mother died but came in for odd days between the days off. My situation was traumatic (which my employers knew) and I had lots to do, so they were very understanding.

When my step father died a few years earlier I only took about three days because I couldn't leave my kids overnight anyway so I visited my mum in a day, and otherwise went at weekends, then a couple of days for the funeral.

Sorry for what you are going through.

My dad died end of Nov. I’d already had two weeks off by then as he died at home and I had to look after him, there was no room at the hospice.

It was an awful two weeks and I was a mess by the time he died. He had his funeral 10 days later and I was going to go back after that but work changed my job role without telling me while I was off. A friend told me. I was so upset with the combination of events and couldn’t face going back to a new role especially as I was told I had to work xmas day, Boxing Day and nye and New Year’s Day when I was normally a 9-5 office job. I went back early jan so probably had 7 weeks off in total.

I’m sorry about your dad. Don’t think there’s a right or wrong length of time. I won’t have any time off when my mum dies. I doubt I’ll go to the funeral.

DH’s dad died suddenly 2 years ago.

He died on the Wednesday night, and we went back to work on the Monday.

We work for my parents and were told to take as much time as we needed (it was very sudden - heart attack) but we really struggled to wallow in our grief at home.

We took the day off work for the funeral, obviously, and my Mum took a few hours out of work to be there for us.

I’m really sorry to hear about your dad. I found that the grief came in waves (I really lived my FIL) and some days we were totally fine, and then others we would just break down. Trying to support my husband was the hardest part for me. He was only 25 at the time (his dad died a week before his 26th birthday) and we were planning our wedding for the following year (I was with the florist when he called). Hopefully you have people that you can lean on for support when the time comes, because you will need it.

X

And yes if you need time off now to spend with your dad get signed off by your gp. Mine signed me off, no problem. I couldn’t even get in to see the GP as I was with my dad. Just rang up and spoke to the receptionist and broke down on the phone. Seem to remember GP rang me back.....but they definetely did a sick note because work kindly informed me that compassionate leave didn’t start until he’d actually died. Not sure if they expected me to leave a bed bound, semi conscious man to fend for himself!

One day. I needed a lot more but I was working in a school and the pressure to carry on was immense.

5 days compassionate leave and 5 days annual leave when my DM died.

There is no rule and everyone is different. DH took about a week when each of his parents died but my sil took longer off. A lot depends on the circumstances as MIL had been unwell for a long time and I think DH had kind of done his grieving already if that makes sense.

My dad died on a Sunday. The funeral was the following Friday. I took all that week off and went back the next week. I couldn't have worked in between, regardless of how I was feeling, as my family were 300 miles away.

My boss took two days off when her mum died, then came back, and then took another day for the funeral.

I had to travel 8 timezones away to help sort out my mom's estate. Was about 2 weeks off in total.

My husbands dad died in a freak accident completely unexpectedly . He took 2 days off including the day he died then a day off for the funeral . He would have taken more and I wish he had because fils death has had such a huge impact on dhs whole personality but the day he died was the day dh started a new job and he didn't want to make an awful impression .
Sorry to hear about your dad - take as much time as you need and can afford .

Dad died on the Monday, I was called from work about 10am and got there (300 miles) before he died. I went back the following Monday, and then had two days off for the funeral 3 weeks later. There was a coroners investigation hence the delay. This was March. I’m still weepy often about it and am wondering if I need some more time but I just feel ridiculous saying I’m not coping now.

I was working 3 days a week at the time so didn't take any. It was my choice not to, rather than work pressure. There was no reason to be at home.

So sorry .

I found out Friday morning so went home early and then went back to work on the Monday. I also took day of funeral off.

Both my Dh and my sil were only given a week, by huge companies, when their mum died. I was truely shocked by this. I thought it was disgraceful.

I had two days off school plus a half day for the funeral- I didn't want to miss the full day of my secondary induction. It was easier keeping some degree of routine, at least school felt normal for a few hours per day. Obviously I was too young to be involved in the beurocratic side of things which needed more time for relatives to deal with.

I took 2 weeks off after my dad died. I was visiting him when it happened and had to stay and organise everything and start the probate etc.