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Original poster

How long did you/would you take off work when a parent dies?

103 replies

Rainatnight · 16/09/2018 16:26

My dad is dying. I've already taken a week off work when it looked like he was about to go, and then didn't. But he almost definitely will at some point over the next few weeks.

If you've lost a parent, how much time did you take off? I guess I'm just worried about feeling ok enough to be able to function and cope in work (I'm reasonably senior, have a big team, can't be weeping at my desk etc!)

Thanks

OP posts:
CormoranStrike · 16/09/2018 18:44

Three days.

CormoranStrike · 16/09/2018 18:45

@Oblomov18 - I am more shocked by you being shocked.

I work for a major company and we get three days. I wish it was more, but it isn’t.

Helpful GP can sign you off though.

Moussemoose · 16/09/2018 18:46

A few days around the funeral. And then 2 weeks later I got 'flu' and was off for ages.

That 'flu' really took it out of me took me ages to get over it.

eltsihT · 16/09/2018 18:47

My husband took 3 months off with his mum. A month while she was dying and 2 afterwards, to get the funeral and estate sorted as well as himself. When his dad died he just took 10days off, but had a lot less to do as his step mum sorted everything else out.

FinnJuhl · 16/09/2018 19:02

Sorry to hear this OP.

I think however long you leave it, going back to work is tough for the first few days as it emphasises so clearly how life is and has been continuing.

I had a week off, set off to work the next Monday and just couldn't make it to the office, as the finality of it all really hit me. Tried again the next day. It was very tough, I had to keep leaving my desk for a bit of a cry and couldn't focus too well, but after another few days I was able to function properly (ie attend meetings, do presentations).

So I would say, no matter how long you take off work , see if there's anyway to start back with a gentler workload, no stressful meetings or interacting with people who don't know you well.

FinnJuhl · 16/09/2018 19:06

Oh yes, as a PP said, lots of people I know who have lost parents (including me) then go on to catch some sort of illness/virus as grief totally wipes you out and leaves you vulnerable. Just be very kind to yourself.

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 16/09/2018 19:14

About 2 and a half weeks when Dad died. The hospital didn't expect him to last as long as he did, so I spent a week sitting by his bed waiting for the inevitable, then sorted the funeral which was about 9 days later, and went back to work the following Monday. If I'd lived and worked in the same town as Dad, I would probably have tried to go back for a couple of days before the funeral, but I was 70 miles away, dealing with the admin of death, and also went down with a D&V bug which wiped me out for a few days, so I wouldn't have been physically up to it. I'm sure the bug was a reaction to the death, as it's the only time I've been sick from illness rather than unwise student drinking in over 20 years.

bottledatsource · 16/09/2018 19:18

Compassionate leave for us is two days so I had the Thurs/Fri off and then the following week the day of the funeral.

NymanPerkins · 16/09/2018 19:22

I was 26 for first parent. It was sudden an a shock. I went home when it happened then Took 3 days plus day of funeral.

With second parent 20 years later, would take the same.

Justgivemesomepeace · 16/09/2018 19:22

I had 3 weeks altogether. 1 week from being told treatment was bring withdrawn to her passing, then 2 weeks from then until the funeral. I got 5 days compassionate leave, 5 days bereavement leave and self cert ed sick for 5 days. My work were very supportive and kept saying not to come back if I wasnt ready. My sisters boss kept phoning her asking when she was going back. Angry My dad kept askimg us when we were going back too. He's not one for allowing us to mope about.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/09/2018 19:25

When I was a line manager the policy was for a week off with some discretion for close relatives. I only had to do this once, allowed two weeks off because of additional issues ie delay in the funeral arrangements and family tensions. Sick leave would have been an option for stress after this.

RossPoldarkfan · 16/09/2018 19:32

When my father became very ill I had one week's annual leave, then went back to work for a few weeks until he died (he was in hospital). After he died I got signed off sick with stress/depression until the funeral as I had no more annual leave and work would only give one day compassionate leave.
I wasn't working when my mother died.

DonnaDarko · 16/09/2018 19:32

My mum is dying too. She was given 1-2 weeks last weekend. She hasn't eaten since Thursday she's just sleeping and the doctor gently said it's because she's reaching the end of her life. Work have only offered 5 days paid leave for the moment. Everything else will be unpaid, which is stressing me out, but I want to be with her in case she is suddenly awake enough for me to say goodbye

HoraceWimpIsThisYourLife · 16/09/2018 19:34

I really don’t think you can pre judge it.
I was out doing chores and jobs days after my mum died, but I think I didn’t take it in properly as grief caught up with me months later.

Sorry about your dad Flowers

Thisnamechanger · 16/09/2018 19:41

Three months. She needed round the clock care and we didn't want her to be alone.

Then when it was all over my boss pressured me to go back 2 days after the funeral. In retrospect, that was a mistake!

Thisnamechanger · 16/09/2018 19:42

They wouldn't let me take any holiday for the rest of the year though, that sucked as I needed to recuperate.

MichonnesBBF · 16/09/2018 19:43

I had just come back from maternity leave so hadn't used any of my annual leave time.. As he died at the end of the year (holls running from Jan/December I used all my annual leave in one go, returning in the January when reopened.
Otherwise it would have been no pay for any days not worked, I would not have coped if this had been the case, as well as being pregnant during his illness then subsequently having a new-born and toddler whilst supporting and caring for him, I needed that time to adjust, grieve and relax with my babies just us being together for the first time since youngest was born. That may seem gallous but it had been a shocking year for us all.

Wittow · 16/09/2018 19:44

My mum died in April. I'm in a public sector professional job which requires some level of emotional engagement with people. I took 3 months off work. My brother, who digs roads and lays gas mains, took 3 weeks. I think it very much depends.

It is shock at first, maybe even trauma if you witness the death moment.

Grief is hitting me even now.

Take all the time you need. OP and @DonnaDarko thinking of you both.

Millie2013 · 16/09/2018 19:48

2 weeks, but some of my work involves end of life care ad bereavement issues, so there were ethical reasons as to why I needed time off, alongside my own emotional stuff

rebelrosie12 · 16/09/2018 19:48

Sahm here with New born when my mum died. I had one day in bed. Friend who was working (no kids) signed off gor 6 weeks unable to cope. I guess everyone manages differently you just need to play it by ear and ask for the time off if you need it.

Moussemoose · 16/09/2018 19:48

@DonnaDarko go and see your doctor. Your are too stressed to work. If your work won't help perhaps a sick note will convince them.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 16/09/2018 19:57

I would say the times on this thread are less than I have seen in real life (ime) people have been off for a few weeks especially for the death of a mother (I have lost both parents and really wish I’d taken more time when they were ill, and I needed more after too. Your gp should sign you off if you are unable to work.)
I don’t get this “moping about at home” idea, processing grief/being unable to function normally at work are not the same as lying indulgently at home sobbing.

Youvegotafriendinme · 16/09/2018 19:59

I work weekends only. SAHM Monday - Friday. My DM passed away on a Wednesday and I was in work the weekend as normal. I haven’t taken any time off as working kept me going at the weekends and my DS kept me going during he week. She only passed in May and I’m waiting for the realisation to dawn and to break down but maybe I’m stronger than I thought. Either that or I’m just too busy.
A close friends DM passed away last month and she took the time off between her passing and the funera which was 2 weeks. She didn’t take any time to grieve when her DDad passed away 2 years ago and was quite ill because of it so thankfully she took the time she needed with her DM.
Everyone is different and I don’t think you’ll know how you’ll be or feel until the time comes. I fully expected to be walking around in a cloud of grief

My thoughts are with you and I’m so sorry this is happening. Flowers

Timeforabiscuit · 16/09/2018 20:02

I took 6 days, 3 before the funeral to make the arrangements and three days for the funeral - but this was only due to the distances involved being counted as long.

It was nowhere near enough, i was a shell when i went back to work and just kept going - on the anniversary i was signed off for six weeks.

DonnaDarko · 16/09/2018 20:03

@Wittow thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry for your loss.

@Moussemoose I have been considering that, but there is usually a 3 week wait :(

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