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Original poster

How long did you/would you take off work when a parent dies?

103 replies

Rainatnight · 16/09/2018 16:26

My dad is dying. I've already taken a week off work when it looked like he was about to go, and then didn't. But he almost definitely will at some point over the next few weeks.

If you've lost a parent, how much time did you take off? I guess I'm just worried about feeling ok enough to be able to function and cope in work (I'm reasonably senior, have a big team, can't be weeping at my desk etc!)

Thanks

OP posts:
CasualDress · 16/09/2018 22:50
Flowers I had 3 months off. A month before to care for my dad, and 2 months off after he died. (included was a week of annual leave) Work (NHS) were brilliant and told me not to come back until I felt 100% able. I'm so glad I took the time off to be with dad.
explodingkitten · 16/09/2018 23:12

11 days. I actually liked going back to work to do something positive. I needed that. My dad and brother needed me to make decisions and take care of them
emotionally. I look a lot like my mother and they instantly put me in a motherly role in some way. I was the youngest however and in my twenties and going back to work meant that I only had to care for me.

LookMoreCloselier · 16/09/2018 23:22

From df passing away I had 1 week off (as is our company entitlement) then the following Monday was a public holiday so it worked out at 10 calendar days. I also worked shorter hours from home in the few days beforehand so I could get to hospital. I wasn't allowed that particularly but I just did it anyway.

MazDazzle · 16/09/2018 23:25

Sorry you’re going through this. Flowers

My Dad died suddenly. I was pregnant at the time and also had a toddler to look after and my DH was working away from home. I was also supporting my mum who was recovering from a mental breakdown. My boss told me to take a week off, which I did. I’m a teacher and felt able to do my job, though I was definitely putting on an act of coping. I soldiered on as if nothing had happened and ended up in counselling a year later.

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 16/09/2018 23:29

I had a week off when my mother died, and the same 6 years previously when my nan died (was doing a PhD then though so they were a bit less stringent).

I'm sorry op Flowers

Haireverywhere · 16/09/2018 23:30

This is very personal. I'm in bereavement services and there is no right answer it depends on lots of personal factors, how much warning or not there was, the specific circumstances of the loss of the loved one, whether anyone would be at risk if you weren't functioning at work, pay rights and management support etc. Some of our clients go back after a day, a week, a month, several months and some never go back.

Haireverywhere · 16/09/2018 23:31

Just try to look after yourself.

Best wishes.

Original poster
Rainatnight · 17/09/2018 10:34

Thank you all so much, I didn't expect so many replies.

My dad actually just died this morning, so I guess I'm about to find out what I'm going to be able to do.

I really appreciate all of these thoughts, they'll really help me to think it through.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 17/09/2018 10:41

Oh Rain sorry for your loss. Take your time xx

LBOCS2 · 17/09/2018 10:46

I'm so sorry Rain.

For what it's worth, I took two weeks off work when DM died suddenly, as did my sister. Neither of us felt like it was enough in retrospect - DSis ended up taking a 6mo sabbatical as she wasn't coping, and I suffered from mental health problems for quite a long time afterwards. Which is not to say that you should take X amount of time off - but make sure you're looking after you now too, and if you don't feel ready, don't feel like you have to go back. The advice about getting a sick note is very good; DSis definitely regrets not getting one because she could have just put down those weeks she was signed off rather than almost having to justify why she wasn't coming in.

Weenurse · 17/09/2018 10:53

I am sorry you are going through this.💐

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 17/09/2018 11:17

Very sorry to hear your update. Flowers
There were days when, although I might have seemed ok on the surface, I really wasn’t fit to drive as my head was breaking inside. If you can’t even get to work safely you can’t go.

CasualDress · 17/09/2018 14:29

So sorry to read your update xx
Take time out and look after yourself, I found the grief physically affected me so be kind to yourselfFlowers

SandraTheBee · 17/09/2018 14:43

I took 3 days off after my dad died, then one day for his funeral and one day to recover from the funeral. I found it easier to be at work around people. There have been people at work who took weeks off when a parent died.

SandraTheBee · 17/09/2018 14:45

Really sorry, I didn't see your update. I'm so very sorry. Be kind to yourself and remember there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Let it take whatever time it needs to get through the initial stages.
Don't ever feel you should 'be over it' because when you lose a parent I don't think you ever get over it. Once I'd accepted that things were easier. x

BlingLoving · 17/09/2018 15:09

So sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. Losing a parent really is incredibly hard.

In terms of work, I truly believe having a supportive work environment is what makes the difference - My sister ad I both didn't have the ability to take off too much time (although we both did get time off for the practicalities) but what we were both lucky enough to have was work and colleagues who were supportive and understanding. Because even if you go back, for a while, you're not 100% on form, so knowing that your colleagues understand and will accept that makes all the difference. Ask for help where you can, ditch the things that aren't important and spend as much time as you need to talking to your Dad in your head.

LookMoreCloselier · 17/09/2018 21:34

Sorry for your loss FlowersBrew look after yourself x

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 17/09/2018 21:51

Sorry to hear about your dad, rain Flowers

As others have said, it's a really personal thing, you might prefer to keep busy or not be able to cope with work. However you feel, just do what's right for you. Nobody can judge other people's ways of dealing with grief.

TownHall · 18/09/2018 10:24

My husband took a couple of days. He felt better being busy. He took time of beforehand and his employers were very understanding.

Buxtonstill · 18/09/2018 12:38

There's no set time laid down where I work. My manager had 3 weeks off when his mother died. I was told I could have 3 days off. Maybe they think you are more upset if you are a higher grade? I went to my gp and he wrote a cert stating cause of absence 'Bereavement reaction'. He signed me off for 2 weeks, saying I should just ring if I wanted more. i stayed off for two weeks in the end.

I'm sorry to read your update OP. Be kind to yourself xx

ivykaty44 · 18/09/2018 12:43

I have colleagues who have taken 3months sick over a parents death, but this time was during and afterwards

My own father took 3 weeks when my mum died, but he worked evening so spent daytime at hospital then work. I was on maternity leave

ayedidye · 18/09/2018 12:49

Every circumstance is different, I took 5 months off after my mum died. I'd already had a month off as she was in a hospice prior to her passing. My mum was young, as was I. I couldnt have contemplated going back any earlier.

thaegumathteth · 18/09/2018 13:05

I was a sahm when I lost my dad. Dh worked from home that day and then he had to take 3 days because we had to travel for the funeral. His work were very good. I found being busy better tbh but I appreciate that’s totally different from being in a work situation.

When dh’s Dad died a few months later he took 5 days off over 2 weeks.

Satsumaeater · 18/09/2018 13:37

I only took a day, and then a day for the funeral.

But it was expected, I had power of attorney so I already had control of all my father's affairs and I was working part-time so I could fit in admin around work.

I would need much longer for my mum.

NaToth · 18/09/2018 13:44

My DM died suddenly, while I was on annual leave.

My bullying boss didn't offer me any compassionate leave, which she should have done, so I went to the GP who signed me off for a month. That enabled me to deal with the formalities, clear the flat etc and get back into some sort of equilibrium before I went back to work.