How long did you/would you take off work when a parent dies?

[Rainatnight]

My dad is dying. I've already taken a week off work when it looked like he was about to go, and then didn't. But he almost definitely will at some point over the next few weeks.

If you've lost a parent, how much time did you take off? I guess I'm just worried about feeling ok enough to be able to function and cope in work (I'm reasonably senior, have a big team, can't be weeping at my desk etc!)

Thanks

Book that appointment now - you won't feel any better in 3 weeks. It's important you look after yourself and no one will do it for you.

Good luck

It's personal to you. Some people want to get right back into routine, others need time to heal. Im lucky to still have both my parents but I wouldn't think badly at all if anyone who worked for me was signed off sick for a while after.

So sorry about your dad

I had about 6 weeks when DM died.
Although she had a long term illness her death was unexpected and very sudden, and she was only 57. I think I was entitled to a week’s compassionate leave so I had a sick note for the subsequent weeks.
However I never had to give that to work as my line manager decided not to put it on the system as he didn’t think it was necessary (huge organisation with outsourced Hr). I worked from home so knew it would be difficult as not many distractions unlike in a busy office.
Sorry you are going through this

I was in my 20s. My dad was in his 40s. He was young when he had me. We were incredibly close. I too managed a team of 11 (looking back no idea how). Heavy sales role. He was with us one day and gone the next. Totally totally unexpected death. We thought he had a chest infection. So I had 2 weeks off. It was bloody hard going back as I lived 150 miles from my family at the time. I can’t even think back on how hard that time was - sometimes feel like it was a miracle I got through it. My poor mum too. Horrendous.

So sorry your father is dying. God bless.

Everyone is different, you need to take what you need for practical reasons eg sorting arrangements but beyond that some people want to grieve at home, others prefer the distraction I suppose of going to work, especially if you have good colleagues. No right or wrong. Typically people take until the funeral off then perhaps 2-3 more days especially if they are helping the the remaining parent, often returning on reduced hours for a week or two - there's often more paperwork to do and employers understand this. Every company has a different policy but usually once the funeral has passed it becomes sick leave which may pay less depending on policy.

So sorry for you and anyone else in this situation now, just talk to your supervisor/boss/hr dept and ensure they are kept informed.

I took nearly three months and never went back. I did something different after about six months and eventually went back to the same role but part time and in a different organisation. The length of time was partly a reflection of my very close relationship with my mum (emotionally every bit as close as my DH, if not moreso) and partly to do with not feeling able to cope in an organisation I hated.

I didn't take any time off at all when my mum died. I'm a teacher and she died during the summer holidays. I spent the rest of the holidays planning her funeral (it was delayed two weeks to accommodate close relatives who lived far away) and I went straight back to school when term started. A (teacher) relative had told me that I would be entitled to take time off, but my boss never mentioned it and I didn't like to ask. I thought that as mum's death had been a few weeks earlier that I would have been expected to "get over it" by the time school went back.

With hindsight, I made the wrong decision. Felt unprepared and out of sorts at the start of term, and spent the rest of the year trying to catch myself up.

I was on holiday when my mum died. Just me and my boys on a barge. It would have taken us a 2 days to get the barge back to its mooring so we just carried on with the 4 days left of the holiday. It was very peaceful and gave me lots of thinking time. You have to carry on when you're a parent, even more so when you're a single parent. It was during the school holidays so I didn't have to go back to work for a few weeks. TBH, I'm happier when kept busy.

I took four days, then I was off on hols for a week (excellent timing tbh). A couple of weeks later I took anohter four days when it all became too much dealing with the fallour. And another one for the funeral.

When my dad died I took the meagre 7 days bereavement leave I was entitled to (public sector). If I wanted more I had to take unpaid leave, because I was pregnant I couldn't afford to do that. I needed more time really - I was dad's next of kin, his death was sudden and unpleasant and I had to arrange a funeral on my own, get his things out his housing association flat within 7 days before they charged me etc. So my time was spent doing that.

Anyway the offer of extra leave was never there, and I was very upset when, a few months later, a colleagues boyfriend died (same age as my dad and also sudden) she got 2 months off, fully paid. I don't begrudge her, she was heartbroken, but this was my dad FFS and I think even an extra week would have been so much better

I went back after a few days because I needed to be around people and in a routine. At home alone in my flat it was unbearable.

As long as it takes

Three months when my DM died suddenly. I tried to work a few times in between but I was a wreck.

I was very ill with anxiety/depression, had several awful things happen in a short time period and it was the straw broke the camels back.

Three years later I’m still not 100%.

Oddly, I lost another close relative suddenly when I was 19 and care free and only needed a few days to feel human enough to work.

It varies wildly.

No amount of time is right or normal. Dh was 25 when his mum died unexpectedly at 52. He took 3 weeks off (signed off sick from gp). I took 2 weeks with him (again signed off by gp) dh dad died April this year after being unwell for a couple of months in hospital and a nursing home. Dh is 34. Dad was 64. His work let work from home most days for 2 wks do we could get bits sorted. I had a 1 day off which was the day after. Thinking of you x

I am very sorry you are grieving for your impending loss and I hope it is peaceful.

I was wracking my brains reading through this as I truly could not remember any time off for any of the sudden or expected deaths in my close family (there have been a lot, including both my parents, and lots at relatively young ages unfortunately) and I think although most of the immediate aftermath is a blur it’s because I didn’t actually have any official or specific time off.

I know I definitely was at work the day before my Mum died even through it was expected. And I definitely went back to work on the Monday but she was considerate enough to die on a Friday evening and I had a 9-5 desk job then. It’s so blurry. Obviously I went to the funeral (and planned it and paid for it) The difficult deaths in terms of time were definitely the ones where I had to do house clearances and put the estates through probate, I’ve done that twice, so I had mornings or afternoons off here and there to attend probate office and go into the bank and other odds and sodds of death related admin you don’t think about before you have to do them. I was self employed when I dealt with my most difficult death time-wise, in that there was a ridiculous amount of work involved in sorting as I was the last remaining relative and had an ancient old house to clear and all sorts. But I managed again with odds and sodds of time.... it’s definitely stressful (as I say, most of the post death stuff is always a blur to me) and I’m sorry you are going through this.

I took 3 weeks off when my mum died very suddenly. I have known many colleagues take in excess of 3-6 months off though but then we work in a hospice so death is very common there and I suppose people find it very hard to deal with people dying when they are newly bereaved themselves.

I would take off as much time as I needed. I know someone who had a year off as they were so down after and couldn't function. It wasn't fully paid but he was in such a bad way he couldn't have worked. I also know someone (my best friend) who went back to work a week after. You just take as much time as you need. We are all different.

Sorry you are going through this. Please give yourself time to heal!

My mum died 5 weeks ago and I had three weeks off as she lived 600 miles away. As an only child I had to do everything including stripping out the house to hand keys back to the council the day after the funeral. The rest of the family live abroad and could only come for a week. I'm not coping being back at work right now. I'm sorry about your Dad. It's a tough road to start on.

I gave one of my team 3 weeks, as she kept ringing up and saying she wasn’t ready to be back. She was longstanding and had a great attendance record, and I wanted her back when she was ready and in one piece.

Talk to your boss about your concerns in advance. If they’re any kind of decent human being they’ll be sympathetic that you’re worried about coping. Communication usually helps.

My father died when the children were 2 and 5. I was a SAHM. I couldn't take any time off. When DH's father died, v suddenly, we were about to go on holiday. It was cancelled. DH spent two weeks off taking care of things (he was on a/l). Back at work after the funeral.

I am sorry you are hi6rting op.

Sorry OP 😥
As others have said it’s very personal & varies massively. The nature of My DM’s illness meant, she was ‘ok’ until 24 hours before she died (pallative care team said it would be the case) - i was called home from work on the Tues & she died later that night, the funeral was the following Wed & i returned to work on the Monday.

Work had been amazing for months letting me take 2 hour lunch breaks so I could sit with her - taking unpaid leave was never mentioned.

I only took a day off for the funeral when my Dad died. I think it was partly because I was in shock, partly because I needed to stay busy and partly because he had spent a lifetime working and I felt I should do too.

It's different for everyone though.

OP - the next year is going to be hell, anniversaries, birthdays, Xmas memories etc.

I bloody hate Mothers Day - can not look at cards in the shops anymore, turn the radio off and do not go out!! i still see clothes, books, presents that I know my mum would have loved and I wish she was on holiday with us.

Sometime after about 12-15 month, something changes and whilst it still hurts you have learnt to live with your grief and life without them. Can not tell what happens but life is not quite so black and you start to engage in stuff.

Anyone who says you get over it, has not been there, you just learnt to have another different level of existing. Something will set you off and it will be random as and then it was like it had just happened.

We all know it is going to happen but none of us know how shit it actually is until it does.

Self employed here , mum died of cancer , it wasn’t unexpected , I had the day she died off work , and the day of the funeral
DH mum died in hospital., local to us is he spent time with her in her last few weeks
Went into work the morning of her funeral as he needed to be busy

@DonnaDarko I would second the GP visit for a sick note.

I had 3 months off after my Mum died. My sister had one day plus two days for the funeral. We were in different circumstances though (I was brand new in my career, caring for patients in a similar position to my Mum, she was experienced in her job). That was simply what was right for us as individuals. I eventually returned to work in a different job and was okay doing that.

@Rainatnight I would suggest getting a sick note for a couple of weeks to start with and see how you go. Some people function better when they have the structure of work. Some people need time off. Take your time and do what feels right. Don’t go back if you think you might be ready, wait until you’re certain. I went back too soon and it was awful. For you.