Am I selfish for this?

[ILoveChillies]

I can’t see the wood from the trees right now. My DH has got ocd/depression/anxiety. He had a complete breakdown a year ago but really he has been struggling for at least 10 years. Am I selfish for saying enough is enough? I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am just giving and giving and getting nothing in return.

I know it’s not his fault for being ill. But he expects me to give up everything too.

I booked a holiday to Disney 18 months ago (when he was in a good period). We are due to go next month. He has predictably said he can’t and won’t go. He keeps ranting at how much money it is and why did I book it when he is ill. Now, I know he is struggling right now. And I would be happy to defer it until next year (if we can). BUT it is the way he just demands and expects that none of us can go now because he’s not able to. I feel that if he really cared and loved me he wouldn’t want to hold me back from things. In his opinion it is OK for us never to go on holiday, meals out, basically LIVE because he is miserable. I have waited 10 years for him to get better, at what point do I give up and live my life?

The DC are obviously excited at going on holiday. I think why should they miss out AGAIN? The thing that has made me mad is that he said this evening that he doesn’t care if I’m unhappy and its payback for being angry with him last year. I admit, I did do and say some things which were not good, but after that I have tried to be as supportive as possible. I even took 6 months off work to care for him, found money for his therapy, handled everything in the house etc. His family and everyone says I am amazing. Only he doesn’t think so.

So I’ve said if you really don’t care about my happiness then why should I care anymore either. He can’t do anything within me. He will literally starve without me. Should I refuse to help him anymore as I feel life is passing me by for someone who doesn’t even care!!!

You and the DC deserve your holiday, if he chooses not to go that's up to him. Maybe a break from each other will give you both a chance to think about what needs to be happening for your relationship to work and I am guessing he will cope better than you think, I doubt he will starve for however long you're on holiday for and if he really can't manage to order a grocery delivery and sort a few basic meals for himself then maybe his family can help out.

Tell him to stay then. You and the kids go and have a great time

Take the holiday!!!

About time you took care of yourself and dc.....sounds like it's been ten years of take take

Has he looked into a different medication??

The thing is I hate confrontation and anger. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go against him iykwim. I know I will give in and cancel. I always do everything he wants to keep the peace

You can't keep putting up with it. I've been there

He is not on medication. He thinks he doesn’t need it....

If he doesn't care about your feelings I don't see what the basis of this relationship can be? I think you should go on the trip for starters. Is he trying to get better, actively pursuing treatment, etc?

YANBU or selfish.
I say this as somehow who has struggled with depression on and off (admittedly not severe to the point of breakdown).
Frankly it’s unforgivable that he should want you to be unhappy as some kind of punishment.
He is dragging you and the children down with him.
I honestly think it would be fair enough to leave him at this point, or at least get on with life and leave him at home.

My exh had depression and stress.
In time he just used it as an excuse to be a twat and get away with it.
He didn't take meds properly, just mixed sleeping pills +alcohol and I spent every Friday morning wondering if he was going to wake up. Started affecting the dc massively and it was a relief when we split up.
Have the holiday, maybe give you a chance to think about what is best for you and your dc.
Unfortunately dh needs to come third in your figurings.

Now just stop that defeatist attitude. You're clearly a very strong woman - any of us would've struggled here; you can't be blamed for that.

Put your children first even if you continue to put yourself last. They need a holiday. If you postpone it (and why on earth would you think next year will be any better when he's been like this for ten years?) then you are telling them that they are with you at the back of the queue.

Don't do that to them.

You need a holiday, and it's booked and paid for, so GO! If he doesn't want to go then that's his choice. Tbh I think a person in that situation owes it to himself and others to make every effort to make sure he gets the right medication and gets better! It's almost as though he's punishing you!

Hmmm some cross posts, I had only read your first one.

This is starting to sounds less like depression and more like emotional abuse (how many things on that list does he do?)

Not on medication????

What's his actual medical diagnosis then?

Before you give on and cancel think about the effect this is having on your DC. Do you want them to look back on their childhood and realise that they missed out on so much just because their mother hated confrontation? If you can’t put your foot down for yourself, do it for them. Sounds like a very difficult situation all round, but you only get one shot at life - don’t let someone who says they don’t care about your happiness dictate yours.

This is Lundy Bancroft (copied and pasted from The Abuser Profiles:

THE MENTALLY ILL OR ADDICTED ABUSER

This last category is not actually separate from the others; an abusive man of any of the aforementioned styles can also have psychiatric or substance-abuse problems, although the majority do not. Even when mental illness or addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man's abuse of his partner, but it can contribute to the severity of his problem and his resistance to change. When these additional problems are present, it is important to be aware of the following points:

1. Certain mental illnesses can increase the chance that an abuser will be dangerous and use physical violence. These include paranoia, severe depression, delusions or hallucinations (psychosis), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and antisocial personality disorder known as psychopathy or sociopathy). These psychiatric conditions also make it next to impossible for an abuser to change, at least until the mental illness has been brought under control through therapy and/or medication, which can take years. Even if the mental illness is properly treated, his abusiveness won't necessarily change.

1. An abuser's reactions to going on or off medication are unpredictable. A woman should take extra precautions for her safety at such a time. Abusers tend to go off medication before long—I have had few clients who were consistent and responsible about taking their meds in the long term. They don't like the side effects, and they are too selfish to care about the implications of the mental illness for their partners or children.

1. The potential danger of a mentally ill abuser has to be assessed by looking at the severity of his psychiatric symptoms in combination with the severity of his abuse characteristics. Looking at his psychiatric symptoms alone can lead to underestimating how dangerous he is.

1. Antisocial personality disorder is present in only a small percentage of abusers but can be important. Those who suffer from this condition lack a conscience and thus are repeatedly involved in behaviors that are harmful to others. Some signs of this condition include: (a) He started getting into illegal behavior when he was still a teenager; (b) his dishonest or aggressive behavior involves situations unrelated to his partner, rather than being restricted to her; (c) he periodically gets into trouble at workplaces or in other contexts for stealing, threatening, or refusing to follow instructions and is likely to have a considerable criminal record by about age thirty, though the offenses may be largely minor ones; (d) he is severely and chronically irresponsible in a way that disrupts the lives of others or creates danger; and (e) he tends to cheat on women a lot, turn them against each other, and maintain shallow relationships with them. The psychopath's physical violence is not necessarily severe, contrary to the popular image, but he may be very dangerous nonetheless. Antisocial personality disorder is very difficult to change through therapy, and there is no effective medication for treating it. It is highly compatible with abusiveness toward women.

1. Those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have a highly distorted self-image. They are unable to accept that they might have faults and therefore are unable to imagine how other people perceive them. This condition is highly compatible with abusiveness, though it is present in only a small percentage of abusive men. Clues to the presence of this disorder include: (a) Your partner's self-centeredness is severe, and it carries over into situations that don't involve you; (b) he seems to relate everything back to himself; and (c) he is outraged whenever anyone criticizes him and is incapable of considering that he could ever be anything other than kind and generous. This disorder is highly resistant to therapy and is not treatable with medication. The abuser with this disorder is not able to change substantially through an abuser program either, although he sometimes makes some minor improvements.

1. Many abusers who are not mentally ill want women to think that they are, in order to avoid responsibility for their attitudes and behavior.

Substance abuse, like mental illness, does not cause partner abuse but can increase the risk of violence. Like the mentally ill abuser, the addicted abuser doesn't change unless he deals with his addiction, and even that is only the first step. Chapter 8 examines the role that substances play in partner abuse.

The attitudes driving the mentally ill or addicted batterer are the same as those of other abusers and will likely follow the pattern of one of the nine styles described above. In addition, the following attitudes tend to be present:

• I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems.

• If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems.

• I'm not abusive, I'm just———(alcoholic, drug addicted, manic-depressive, an adult child of alcoholics, or whatever his condition may be).

• If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and you'll be responsible for what I do.

You are not selfish. Time to put yourself and the DC first. I really hope you go on that holiday, and maybe use the time to think about what you want to do next.

Please don't pull out of the trip. Your kids will remember that forever and not in a good way.

I have depression. If I lived alone no doubt I’d spend days in bed, not eat, attempt suicide (I can have impulses 20+ times a day for months on end).
I have a dh and 4 dc. I function because I have to, and it’s because of them I’ve learnt to and force myself to. I actively seek out nice things (sunsets, the smell of rain, dc playing) and point them out, even if I can feel no pleasure in them that day, because I believe being happy is something you need to actively seek sometimes.
Depression is an illness, but if mothers with cancer can care for their families, I believe as a mother with depression I can too. It’s difficult, but I feel I owe it to my family to keep trying.
Your dh is ill. Things are difficult for him. He doesn’t have to make things harder for you all too. I’d feel selfish if I behaved as he does.

What was he like before the depression?

Take yourself out of the situation. Is making your children or your partner happy the priority? Imagine telling them you've changed your mind and they're not getting to go see Mickey Mouse anymore.

I feel his behaviour is emotionally abusive. But is it because he is depressed? He is medically diagnosed and definitely has ocd/anxiety/depression.

The thing is his thinking becomes so irrational and angry that he can’t understand what i’m trying to say. So then I have to agree with him to calm him down. I’ m so confused. I want him to leave but he won’t. The only place I have to go would be my parents, which is 2 hours away. My job and DC school is here. He’s not working anyway so wouldn’t be able to pay the mortgage. So it makes sense for him to leave.

But he can’t even go to the toilet & wash his hands without me because of the
Ocd. He needs me for everything and on the other hand is treating me like crap.

Sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear but I think you should LTB. Get legal advice.

Either way definitely read Lundy Bancroft (Why does he do that?) and consider counselling for yourself too.

Chuck him out. If you can afford it, put down a deposit in a one bed flat and tell him to go and claim benefits on the basis that he's too sick to work. You have to emotionally separate yourself from him, otherwise you'll end up depressed as well, and that'll do the kids no good at all.

💐 &🍷for you OP. It sounds like you're stuck in an awful, exhausting situation.

I can't offer any advice I'm afraid, but wanted to agree with PPs that you & DC should go on the holiday without him. You and they deserve a break and some quality time. Do you maybe have a friend or relative who could have your H's ticket & give you a hand with the DCs so you could have chance to relax a bit?

Can't go to the toilet without you? Dear god

Can he go back to his mum?