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Original poster

Am I selfish for this?

107 replies

ILoveChillies · 14/09/2018 20:33

I can’t see the wood from the trees right now. My DH has got ocd/depression/anxiety. He had a complete breakdown a year ago but really he has been struggling for at least 10 years. Am I selfish for saying enough is enough? I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am just giving and giving and getting nothing in return.

I know it’s not his fault for being ill. But he expects me to give up everything too.

I booked a holiday to Disney 18 months ago (when he was in a good period). We are due to go next month. He has predictably said he can’t and won’t go. He keeps ranting at how much money it is and why did I book it when he is ill. Now, I know he is struggling right now. And I would be happy to defer it until next year (if we can). BUT it is the way he just demands and expects that none of us can go now because he’s not able to. I feel that if he really cared and loved me he wouldn’t want to hold me back from things. In his opinion it is OK for us never to go on holiday, meals out, basically LIVE because he is miserable. I have waited 10 years for him to get better, at what point do I give up and live my life?

The DC are obviously excited at going on holiday. I think why should they miss out AGAIN? The thing that has made me mad is that he said this evening that he doesn’t care if I’m unhappy and its payback for being angry with him last year. I admit, I did do and say some things which were not good, but after that I have tried to be as supportive as possible. I even took 6 months off work to care for him, found money for his therapy, handled everything in the house etc. His family and everyone says I am amazing. Only he doesn’t think so.

So I’ve said if you really don’t care about my happiness then why should I care anymore either. He can’t do anything within me. He will literally starve without me. Should I refuse to help him anymore as I feel life is passing me by for someone who doesn’t even care!!!

OP posts:
gendercritter · 15/09/2018 16:18

I left someone with severe mental health issues because he was doing nothing to help himself. It was very hard, I felt like I was abandoning him but I had tried everything to support him in getting him help and he wouldn't do it. Yes OCD and depression are terrible at worst but some medications make a big difference. Don't waste any more of your life. It is very sad but you can't baby him. He has a responsibility to you all too and is letting you all down at present.

ProzacAndWine · 15/09/2018 16:21

I agree with all comments before. You need to care for yourself and your children. Mental illness isn't a free pass to abuse.

I have been so unwell with my MH that I "forgot" (not sure what the right word here is) how to use the loo, and just sat in the bathroom crying, because I needed to wee but couldn't figure out how to go about it. Yes, DH gently helped me with it. And you know what he did afterwards? Got me to an urgent assessment, which lead to hospital admission, a medication review and a more intensive support plan.

If a person with a mental illness has capacity, it is their responsibility to comply with treatments, take their meds, and strive to make positive changes in their situation. (I feel quite the hypocrite writing this, because I certainly haven't always done my best in all these fronts...). If they lack the capacity to see the need for it, or to make rational decisions about it, they need increased psychiatric help, whether they feel like it or not. If they have capacity but simply choose not to - it isn't anybody's duty to sacrifice their lives (let alone their children's) to watch and facilitate that.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 15/09/2018 17:05

Have you tried the crisis team?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
ILoveChillies · 15/09/2018 19:45

I don’t think a crisis team will help as he’s not suicidal. I did ring the GP once and they refused to come out for mental health!

There is an added complication in that my MIL is due to have major surgery any time soon. If it falls within our holiday I would want to postpone anyway. I definitely can’t let his parents deal with him when she is ill herself. I know if I was to go without him he would be in an absolute state and it would certainly mean the end of our marriage.

I just can’t imagine doing that. Plus he has got a lot of shoulder pain at the moment from frozen shoulder which obviously will be making him feel worse. I have to agree with his point that it would make it difficult for him to enjoy a Disney holiday like that as he wouldn’t be able to go on any rides.

So my thinking right now is to postpone until May half term. Then he will have an opportunity to get himself better physically and mentally. I will be making it clear that I will definitely be going ahead with or without him. My MIL will have recovered by then and I will be able to prepare the family for what might happen. Also, I will know what school my DS has been allocated, which will affect whether I need to stay around here or could go to my parents.

I suppose I want to give an ultimate chance for things to improve and give DH adequate warning of that. Then if I feel it’s the end I can do it totally guilt free.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 15/09/2018 19:51

Sorry but I feel for your children. They are losing out. My guess is that you always prioritise him and his “needs” over them. To be blunt, you are putting your energies into the black hole that is your shit marriage, and you are failing your children.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 15/09/2018 22:09

The crisis team don’t just come out for suicidel people. My father in law was neglecting himself and getting dirty and hungry and the GP referred us to the crisis team. He was very depressed and wouldn’t look after himself or let us in his house to help him. The crisis team intervened and sectioned him for his own well being. Mind you this did come after we persuaded him to see a doctor. Would his GP do a home visit?

Crankywitch · 15/09/2018 23:49

I feel sorry for you but I feel sorrier for your children. You are clearly going to postpone this holiday so that you can continue to enable and collude with this mentally ill man. He will drag you and your children down with him unless someone shouts stop. Perhaps one day, next May or whenever, you will eventually shout stop. I hope your children aren't irreparably damaged by then. I know me and my siblings were irreparably damaged by a mother who allowed our father to ruin our lives.

RabbitsAreTasty · 15/09/2018 23:55

He'd make his children miss a holiday because he couldn't go on many rides himself. What a cock. Tell him to come with you and enjoy seeing his children be happy.

This has got to be a test. He's got to be testing out how absolutely nastily selfish he can be, even hurting the children, to see if you rollover.

You really are fucking over your relationship with your children.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 16/09/2018 00:03

I would tell him he has a choice of two things because he’s making his families life hell. He must choose between being on antidepressants for a trial period of 6 months (sertraline is perfect for anxiety depression ocd) or leave. There is no compromise. You need to put yours and the kids needs first and you can’t bear anymore crap.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 16/09/2018 00:05

I would tell him you’ve booked an appointment with the GP on x day and either he goes and gets some medication and starts the medication or he leaves the same day.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 16/09/2018 00:07

You would pander to his illness than let your children live a full life.Sad

That’s really sad. I know it’s hard, and I know you love him, but really. Come on.

BeenThereDone · 16/09/2018 00:15

He's not even trying to help himself. Won't take medication? So how can you fix him if he won't fix himself. I have a sneaky suspicion that he will manage to look after himself but will use it as a stick to beat you with if you do go. So enough is enough. Look into getting help for him and take your kids on holiday, it might just be the catalyst he needs.
I suffer with anxiety and depression although not on a scale like this. I have to fight it every single day but I have to get on with it because I'm a single parent and there is no other choice.

His needs have trumped yours and the kids for over a decade now.

Graphista · 16/09/2018 00:25

I also have severe OCD/depression/anxiety but he is being selfish and unfair not trying to improve things.

Crisis team are not only for suicidal but as per the name - for crisis points, which it sounds like you're at.

Imo refusing to take Meds is unacceptable as is expecting you and DC not to have holidays etc.

GP should have referred him to the community mental health team, even crisis team, but then I think it's possible they did and your husband has rejected the referral.

I think at this point you need to say to him he either engages with services and does what's necessary (usually meds & talk therapy possibly other therapies) or he needs to leave.

It's an extremely difficult condition to treat - there's no cure. Mainly as it's partly neuro-physiological, possibly genetic. But the rituals and the anxiety can usually be reduced.

You need support too, so don't reject support you're offered.

AhoyDelBoy · 16/09/2018 06:17

I knew just reading the OP you would postpone the holiday. There are so many things you can do to get help. Google is your friend. HTH

FishesThatFly · 16/09/2018 06:35

I know I will give in and cancel. I always do everything he wants to keep the peace

If that's the case then nothing anyone can advise you to do will work.

So actually it's yourself that needs to change - not him. You need to stop being a doormat and stick up for yourself and children and get to live the life you all deserve.

I think it would be a really shitty thing to do to cancel the holiday just because you're too much of a pushover

toolazytothinkofausername · 16/09/2018 06:47

On Monday you need to contact adult social services. Explain that right now you are his carer, but you want him out the house and they need to be the ones to support him from now on.

You have been his crutch for far too long. It is not healthy for him or yourself!

You are no longer his wife. It is time to end the relationship for both of your sakes.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 16/09/2018 06:52

Oh OP. I am so sad for you.

You are stuck in a prison of your own making, and you could so easily let yourself out of this hell.

In some ways you are as blinkered and unwilling to change as your husband is.....but he has a mental illness.

I hope you see the light and start running for it soon. Things are so much better here. And your children need you too.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2018 06:55

It's very sad you're looking for reasons to cancel and will do this to your children, all to stay with this man.

This is indeed a prison of your own making, and one you seem determined to stay in, this is the life you are choosing for you and your children.

Genuinely I'm unsure why you posted.

PerverseConverse · 16/09/2018 07:44

Everyone here has given you the same advice yet you've chosen to ignore it and are making more excuses for him. He's not changed in 10 years and giving him warning will not make him change either. Nothing will be different by next year except your children will resent you even more, your husband will be more dependant and you'll be ever more codependent. I feel so so sorry for your children who's needs are being neglected in all this. Get yourself some counselling and get yourself and your poor children out of this mess. They need you to step up.

ohfourfoxache · 16/09/2018 08:23

I know that this isn’t what you want to hear, and I know how difficult things are. But if you postpone this holiday you will be sending a message extremely loud and clear to your dc that they are not your priority.

He.needs.help. And if he doesn’t comply you need to end the relationship. It’s that simple.

(Another one here with depression - to the extent that I’ve had my GP and MH team checking in on me daily in case I did something daft)

Stompythedinosaur · 16/09/2018 09:05

I have a dp with a chronic and debilitating illness
We are booked to go to Disneyland Paris later this month. Hopefully dp will be ok to come and will enjoy it. Possibly he will come and just watch us do activities and go on rides. Worst case scenario I will take the dc and he will stay at home.and manage. Because the dc's happiness is hugely important to both of us, we would never cancel because dp couldn't go on the rides, the holiday really isn't about him! It seems like the dynamic in your family is different, and you he's needs trump everyone else's.

Your dh doesn't seem to care about your feelings or your dc's feelings. That isn't a symptom of depression, you know.

Continually putting your dc's needs to the bottom.of the pile, and letting them down over promised treats, will potentially have a lifelong effect on their self esteem and ability to trust people. I hope you find the strength to put them (and yourself) first for once.

BusterGonad · 16/09/2018 09:11

Not taking the medication is totally and utterly selfish. He doesn't love you or his children.

HashTagLil · 16/09/2018 09:23

Please don't cancel your holiday, he will not be any better by May. Especially if he is not even taking his medication.

BusterGonad · 16/09/2018 09:30

My husband went through a severe bout of depression and he tried new mess every 2 weeks, it was terrible, I looked after him and was there for him, we worked together as a team. He did all he could to get better, so I did all I could to help him. You are doing everything and your husband is doing nothing.

AngeloMysterioso · 16/09/2018 10:37

Another one saying go without him, whether it’s now in May- and I also suffer from severe depression.

And honestly if he continues to refuse to seek medical help/take anything for his issues then I’d consider LTB. He’s deliberately making life harder for himself and you and your DC.