Am I selfish for this?

[ILoveChillies]

I can’t see the wood from the trees right now. My DH has got ocd/depression/anxiety. He had a complete breakdown a year ago but really he has been struggling for at least 10 years. Am I selfish for saying enough is enough? I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am just giving and giving and getting nothing in return.

I know it’s not his fault for being ill. But he expects me to give up everything too.

I booked a holiday to Disney 18 months ago (when he was in a good period). We are due to go next month. He has predictably said he can’t and won’t go. He keeps ranting at how much money it is and why did I book it when he is ill. Now, I know he is struggling right now. And I would be happy to defer it until next year (if we can). BUT it is the way he just demands and expects that none of us can go now because he’s not able to. I feel that if he really cared and loved me he wouldn’t want to hold me back from things. In his opinion it is OK for us never to go on holiday, meals out, basically LIVE because he is miserable. I have waited 10 years for him to get better, at what point do I give up and live my life?

The DC are obviously excited at going on holiday. I think why should they miss out AGAIN? The thing that has made me mad is that he said this evening that he doesn’t care if I’m unhappy and its payback for being angry with him last year. I admit, I did do and say some things which were not good, but after that I have tried to be as supportive as possible. I even took 6 months off work to care for him, found money for his therapy, handled everything in the house etc. His family and everyone says I am amazing. Only he doesn’t think so.

So I’ve said if you really don’t care about my happiness then why should I care anymore either. He can’t do anything within me. He will literally starve without me. Should I refuse to help him anymore as I feel life is passing me by for someone who doesn’t even care!!!

You're failing your children. I wouldn't be surprised if they grew to resent you for never putting them first.

So you think he’ll change between now and May? Nothing will change if you don’t change how you are being with him.
If you do things for him how will he ever get well and do these things himself.

It’s really sad because he’s missing out on a life with you and relationships with his kids and family and I can’t beleive his family allow you to shoulder all this yourself without support to get him proper help, especially if it’s been going on 10 years.
You both don’t have a life, it’s an existence and what’s the point of that? And what does that teach your poor kids?. What happens when you’re at work he must function to an extent I’d have cameras in my house to see what happens then. Please get professional help, he’s in denial you’re suffering and probably also in denial that he can get better. And your kids won’t get to go on holiday because of it all.

It’s not their fault and they need you to put them first now. I know it’s really hard and you don’t want to deal with it as it makes it real but life is for living, your life in important and your kids lives matter.

God you remind me of my mother. Always falling over herself to please my dad who was awkward and difficult at every single turn. Sold herself short. I used to feel bad about it but now I just roll my eyes.

He isn't going to suddenly change between now and May! Why can't you see that. You are full of excuses and your children have 2 parents are completely fail to put them first.

Yes it's harsh, but it's very true.

OP get you and your children out of this situation. This is abnormal and quite frankly abusive. He is not as ill as he is telling you. You do not get another shot at life and your children will not get another childhood. You have a duty to your children. Hes just a man. Stop trying to fix him or rescue him. It wont work cos hes getting worse.

This disney trip is really exciting and important to your children and you are considering putting them last again?

I have had several breakdkwns and its not always been easy for my family but fucking hell, i took the medication and i did everything i could to get better

What would happen to your children if anything happened to you? Would they have to stay with him?

Your children don't have a choice in this,you do, as a parent you need to be their advocate and do what is best for them both physically and emotionally. If you let them down now they will never forget this, not forgive you, you are trying to be your husband's parent and carer meanwhile forgetting these vulnerable children who should be your priority. Get help fast and stop letting him manipulate you into doing what he wants, I'm not saying he is not ill, just that you are not the person who can heal him, this is a battle where everyone will end up losing if you do not do what you know you must and should