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Original poster

Am I selfish for this?

107 replies

ILoveChillies · 14/09/2018 20:33

I can’t see the wood from the trees right now. My DH has got ocd/depression/anxiety. He had a complete breakdown a year ago but really he has been struggling for at least 10 years. Am I selfish for saying enough is enough? I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am just giving and giving and getting nothing in return.

I know it’s not his fault for being ill. But he expects me to give up everything too.

I booked a holiday to Disney 18 months ago (when he was in a good period). We are due to go next month. He has predictably said he can’t and won’t go. He keeps ranting at how much money it is and why did I book it when he is ill. Now, I know he is struggling right now. And I would be happy to defer it until next year (if we can). BUT it is the way he just demands and expects that none of us can go now because he’s not able to. I feel that if he really cared and loved me he wouldn’t want to hold me back from things. In his opinion it is OK for us never to go on holiday, meals out, basically LIVE because he is miserable. I have waited 10 years for him to get better, at what point do I give up and live my life?

The DC are obviously excited at going on holiday. I think why should they miss out AGAIN? The thing that has made me mad is that he said this evening that he doesn’t care if I’m unhappy and its payback for being angry with him last year. I admit, I did do and say some things which were not good, but after that I have tried to be as supportive as possible. I even took 6 months off work to care for him, found money for his therapy, handled everything in the house etc. His family and everyone says I am amazing. Only he doesn’t think so.

So I’ve said if you really don’t care about my happiness then why should I care anymore either. He can’t do anything within me. He will literally starve without me. Should I refuse to help him anymore as I feel life is passing me by for someone who doesn’t even care!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveChillies · 14/09/2018 21:27

If I refuse to help him anymore with the ocd what will happen? He literally will starve without my help. I’m thinking if I let that happen I can call for medical help and he would have to go to hospital. Then he might get some proper help. Plus I can refuse to let him back home?

But it would be so so difficult to refuse to help him. Can I really do that? I feel like it would be so cruel. But maybe it would be better because he needs more help than I can give and this seems the only way

OP posts:
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 14/09/2018 21:28

If he can't go to the bathroom alone he needs a carer not a dw.
Seriously, get the gp out and tell them what you are dealing with and tell them you quit - and what help is available to him?

Original poster
ILoveChillies · 14/09/2018 21:32

@whatisthistomfoolery

Ocd is like that. He isn’t pretending. He really can’t do it without me. He has stood in the bathroom for over 6 hours before and wet himself. It’s horrible illness.

That’s why I’m so confused. He really is ill.

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
hayli · 14/09/2018 21:33

Seriously op. How long are you olanning to live like this?
Go on this holiday. do NOT cancel esp for your kids.

AnotherEmma · 14/09/2018 21:35

You’re enabling him.

He’s not looking after himself because you are looking after him.

You need to let him fail.

wtffgs2 · 14/09/2018 21:36

Ok - long term sufferer with depression and anxiety here.

It is not a free pass to fuck everything up for people you are supposed to love.

Please go on the holiday with your kids. Your H needs to get the message (and so do your kids) mental health issues matter a lot but they are not a reason to control other people.

Please have a lovely time on holiday Wine

PerverseConverse · 14/09/2018 21:38

He'll cope without you, because he'll have to. Can't wash his hands without help?? He's taking the piss. Stop helping him because by helping him you're enabling him to carry on this lifestyle. What message us this giving to your dc? I'd say it's time to leave him. If he's so bad he can't do basic self care and don't take medication then talk to your GP and get him sectioned then pack his stuff and get rid of the waste of space. I was hospitalised for depression and anxiety many years ago now. At no point did I need help to wash my hands. I later worked in psychiatry and no patients I treated needed help to go to the toilet or wash their hands. Encouragement to actually wash, yes, but not incapable of self care. He's got you wrapped around his little finger. Time to break free. Take your poor kids on holiday and start the rest of your lives.

C0untDucku1a · 14/09/2018 21:39

Leave him. Protect your children. Go on holiday with your children. Dont disappoint them by cancelling for a husband who has TOLD you he is punishing you.

JustHereForThePooStories · 14/09/2018 21:42

OP, your situation sounds very like mine. My husband has a long (20+ years) history of depression and anxiety, culminating in a full breakdown last year.

The only thing that got us through it, was his ability to be reasonable even when he couldn't see what reason was. He stuck 100% to his medication plan, and never argued with decisions I had to make for the two of us.

It's tough going dealing with mental health issues when someone is willing to meet you half way. I don't know if I would have been able to stay if he had behaved like your husband is doing.

Astella22 · 14/09/2018 21:43

Ultimately you are not helping him by catering to his condition, it sounds like he needs some proper help to manage it. Refusing to accept he needs medication dosnt sound like he is dealing with it well at all in fact it all sounds very chaotic at home.
I would go on holiday with the kids and if he wants to go then he can. You need to take control for you DC sake.
I would insist he seeks help and if he refuses then you really need to consider leaving.

ohtheholidays · 14/09/2018 21:47

Please don't cancel the holiday ILovechillies your DC will remember that for the rest of they're lifes!

I know that sounds really harsh bit it is true,things like that that happen whilst your a child really can stay with you for the rest of your life.

You need to start showing your children that what they want,what they need and what you want and need is just as important as what they're father wants,needs.
Right now your teaching them that he is more important than they are and more important than you are and that is no way to live!

The fact that he refuses to have medication and has ago at you alot speaks volumes as well,he is being abusive!

Dandybelle · 14/09/2018 21:52

He needs help professionally. It sounds like his brain is severely imbalanced and he will need medication to correct that imbalance. You helping him to go to the bathroom will never 'fix' him- it will only prolong both your agony as you 'manage' his condition between yourselves instead of seeking the help he clearly desperately needs.

Look at your life OP. Is this what you wanted for yourself? Is this what you wanted for your children? Your husband is drowning you all in his misery and if you don't start helping yourself you will go down with him. Oddly, that's what he seems to want. As a person who's experienced extreme depression I can honestly say I would never have wished how I felt on my worst enemy. Him pushing his misery onto you is not a normal characteristic of depression.

Go on your holiday. Write him a list of things he needs to do whilst you are away. Top of the list needs to be 'see a gp.' Then other things like eat, sleep, shower.

It will show him that you are no longer willing to continue your life as his crutch and that you are taking back control for both your sakes.

Good luck OP Thanks

PeridotCricket · 14/09/2018 21:53

The deal I had with my husband was I’d stay and support if he got outside help.

We went to the GP together so he couldn’t minimise symptoms.

He took the medication.

He exercised,

I forced him out once a week to see a frienD I’d lined up to help.

I enlisted his parents help.

Nut no 1 was that he did all the th8ngs they tell you to do, ate well, gave up alcohol, got counselling. There were days he couldn’t get out of bed. There were reall6 dark times. But he tried...sometimes it was only one thing in two weeks. But he always took the medication.

If he can’t do that, then you ‘now what, you need to look after yourself.

MattBerrysHair · 14/09/2018 22:06

*You’re enabling him.

He’s not looking after himself because you are looking after him.

You need to let him fail*

This, exactly this^^

You and your dc's lives are being destroyed because he won't take responsibility for his own illness and seek help from the appropriate places. I have depression and anxiety and 1 dc. It is my job to care for them and nurture them into adulthood which I can only do well if I am healthy. Therefore I make sure I get treatment from the right places. He is not doing any of that and he has no incentive to get better as you do everything he wants whether it is reasonable or not. It's time to find some tough love for everyones sake as yoyr current set up is very disfunctional.

MadeForThis · 14/09/2018 22:28

You need to look after your dc not him. They should be the priority.

They need a break from all this. They deserve the holiday. Take them and watch them relax away from the situation. See how happy you all can and should be.

If he is refusing to take medication he isn't trying to get better. He is abusive. That's not depression or ocd. That's abuse.

He needs to learn how to function. He needs to seek the help he needs.

Go on holiday.

RabbitsAreTasty · 14/09/2018 22:38

He doesn't have to get medication or proper treatment because you are helping him to avoid doing so.

Yes, let him start to starve, let him wet himself, then say right let's go to the doctor.

You obviously want to end the relationship but are afraid of letting him his rock bottom and getting help that isn't you.

Your poor DC. Mine would have been utterly gutted if I told them they were going on an amazing holiday and then said, oh no, sorry kids, we can't go because if we went dad would stay here alone and he would have a crisis and would be forced to get real help. Remember children, you aren't important, OK? Hiding daddy's illness is all that matters.

Returnofthesmileybar · 14/09/2018 22:41

No medication? If he's not helping himself then why should you? Please don't cancel, your poor children, go with them and have a great time, let his family help if necessary

Nottotheirstandards · 14/09/2018 22:49

Can you look into getting a carer if he is that bad. Dc need to come first as he is not bothering to help himself. Go on your holiday and book a carer if you can and see if he changes his mind about getting help

WhatIsThisTomfoolery · 14/09/2018 22:57

Taking his medicine is key

He needs to do this

TheVeryHungryDieter · 14/09/2018 23:03

Oh please don't cancel it OP. Your children are living with the stress and misery too, they deserve a break, not another disappointment.

Please let them see their father's illness doesn't hold them back in life too. It's easier to raise children with empathy for people who are suffering when they aren't constantly making painful sacrifices which makes any effort at empathy into a battle with resentment.

NCNCNC123 · 14/09/2018 23:28

You work, so what does he do then?

You have to go on this holiday, with or without him. Preferably without. And don’t, for goodness sake, feel you have to ring him every few minutes. Let yourself, and your children, have a real break.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/09/2018 23:31

If he can't go to the toilet or eat then he needs professional help. If his illness was going to get better without this it would have done by now.

I would 100% go on the holiday. Your dc are more important.

Go to the go and tell them how bad things are, even if he won't go with you.

Being mentally ill doesn't mean he has a free pass to be abusive.

I would LTB. I believe you are strong enough to do that. See a lawyer and apply for residence in the house.

Deadringer · 14/09/2018 23:39

He gets help or he has to go. My dh has suffered with depression and was a nightmare to live with, but he got help, medication, therapy, now he is doing really well. You can't live like this. Please take your DC on this holiday, it will mean the world to them.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 14/09/2018 23:45

^What they all said.

Plus - I have a similar story. My dh booked us a trip to Disney world. I was really not looking forward to it as I think I’m going through a bit of a depression and it was massively out of my comfort zone. But obviously I went as it would have been massively disappointing for my kids if I haven’t been there with them. I have to say, although I didn’t enjoy the heat and the queues etc it was an absolutely awesome place. Even I enjoyed it. Please don’t deny your kids this holiday of a lifetime. Please. Flowers

biscuitmillionaire · 14/09/2018 23:52

I have waited 10 years for him to get better, at what point do I give up and live my life?

At this point. Right now.

It is NOT your responsibility to 'save' him. A relationship should be a two-way thing. It's like that metaphor: a boat crossing an ocean with two people but only one person is rowing.

Imagine how resentful you will be when you get to 70 and he's still miserable and making you miserable. This is your one precious life. Start living it.