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Original poster

Am I selfish for this?

107 replies

ILoveChillies · 14/09/2018 20:33

I can’t see the wood from the trees right now. My DH has got ocd/depression/anxiety. He had a complete breakdown a year ago but really he has been struggling for at least 10 years. Am I selfish for saying enough is enough? I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am just giving and giving and getting nothing in return.

I know it’s not his fault for being ill. But he expects me to give up everything too.

I booked a holiday to Disney 18 months ago (when he was in a good period). We are due to go next month. He has predictably said he can’t and won’t go. He keeps ranting at how much money it is and why did I book it when he is ill. Now, I know he is struggling right now. And I would be happy to defer it until next year (if we can). BUT it is the way he just demands and expects that none of us can go now because he’s not able to. I feel that if he really cared and loved me he wouldn’t want to hold me back from things. In his opinion it is OK for us never to go on holiday, meals out, basically LIVE because he is miserable. I have waited 10 years for him to get better, at what point do I give up and live my life?

The DC are obviously excited at going on holiday. I think why should they miss out AGAIN? The thing that has made me mad is that he said this evening that he doesn’t care if I’m unhappy and its payback for being angry with him last year. I admit, I did do and say some things which were not good, but after that I have tried to be as supportive as possible. I even took 6 months off work to care for him, found money for his therapy, handled everything in the house etc. His family and everyone says I am amazing. Only he doesn’t think so.

So I’ve said if you really don’t care about my happiness then why should I care anymore either. He can’t do anything within me. He will literally starve without me. Should I refuse to help him anymore as I feel life is passing me by for someone who doesn’t even care!!!

OP posts:

gobbin · 15/09/2018 07:04

You and the DC only have one life. I think you need to live it away from this person and should start making exit plans away from him.

Angrybird345 · 15/09/2018 07:07

Go to Disney. You need to fir you AND for your kids. This life isn’t fair on them. Your dh is abuduve to them and you. This will be the point to make him get help otherwise lead separate lives. But GO TO DIsney. If you delay it, it will be the same next year and there will be even more resentment from you and kids towards him.

Cagliostro · 15/09/2018 07:25

What does he do about toileting and food when you’re at work? Is that when he wet himself? He absolutely needs medication and intense treatment. He can’t really believe he doesn’t need it.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems

Groovee · 15/09/2018 07:32

I think you need to do the holiday for you and your children.

If he won't accept outside help then that's his issue, your children need the normality that you can give them. An enjoyable holiday will do you all the world of good.

Your dh is an adult and should accept the consequences of his decisions and actions. Treating you badly is no excuse regardless of mental health.

Sleephead1 · 15/09/2018 07:34

sounds awful and I do really feel for him but if he won't accept help are you just going to continue living like this it must be awful for you and your children. I think you need to go on this holiday. Also what does he do when you are at work? if he can't go to the toilet ECT alone why is this ? if his life is thus badly affected he needs serious hekp. I would go to his family and be completely honest and say they need to look after him as you need a break and then get him out of house. I would also go to his doctors now they can't talk to you about him but they are able to listen to your concerns and will hopefully contact him to review him. You can't go on like this and it must be awful for your children you deserve a happy home and if he won't accept help you can't just let him take you all down with him.

abbsisspartacus · 15/09/2018 07:40

Go to disney he can sink or swim on his own

Bananamanfan · 15/09/2018 07:42

Would his family stay with him or would he stay with them while you're on holiday. Long term, it sounds like he needs to leave for everyone's sake.

AspieHere · 15/09/2018 07:42

I think your holiday would be better without him. Disney is just amazing. He'd only spoil it. Do NOT pander to him by cancelling. I agree with a pp, you are completely enabling him.

GinUnicorn · 15/09/2018 07:49

I think long term he needs to maybe be admitted as a patient somewhere. It sounds like he won’t help himself and you have struggled for more than long enough. Put yourself and your children first for a while. He has a horrible illness but just like physiotherapy if he had an injury he needs to work at managing his condition. It’s tough but if he isn’t willing to do so nothing will change. Maybe he needs a push.

Crankywitch · 15/09/2018 07:50

Please go on the holiday. My childhood was ruined because my mother enabled my mentally ill father. If she had been more 'selfish' (read 'self care') she could have provided her 4 children with a half decent childhood. But instead she colluded with my father and our childhood was miserable. Now we're adults and the impact is far reaching in all of us. I feel intense anger towards my mother: my father was mentally ill but what was my mother's excuse? How dare she make us suffer that level of dysfunction? Your husband clearly thinks he is more important than you or the children. He's not.

MsFrosty · 15/09/2018 07:50

Just because he's unwell doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your life and stay. It's been 10 years! Are you willing to sacrifice another 10 years of being stressed and miserable and putting your kids through that?

mouthkisses · 15/09/2018 08:09

This sounds shit for you. I'm sorry.

His OCD really does sound severe, the situation can't really go on for either of you.

If at all possible, I would get his family involved so that you can go on the holiday with the children. Use it as a launch pad to get him some decent medical care. From experience, he might notice a real improvement from a relatively low dose of medication. People with OCD can refuse medication because of the way the condition affects their thinking.

OCD really is a horrible condition, and it's not just the person diagnosed that suffers.

Your life and feelings are important. As are your children's. The holiday will be beneficial for all of you.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/09/2018 08:09

I agree with Peridot. My dh has bipolar. Our agreement is; full adherence to medication and all doctors orders. Anything else and we are over. Its for his sake as much as mine. No way would l let my dc live with someone who would make their life so miserable and refuse to take medication to improve his own life, mine and his dc.
I went on holiday on my own with the dc when dh was not well and fighting taking meds. It shook him up a bit as he saw we were going ahead with our lives and if he wanted to be part of it he better cooperate with the doctors or be left behind.
Your dc only have one childhood. Make this holiday your statement of a turning point. You are living your life. He has a choice..get help/ take meds and be part of that life or go it alone. Remember he is making that decision not you. He has a choice here.
Its like alcoholism. He can get help/ go to AA etc or continue to drink..make a choice. It will be better for him in the end as he will have a happier life.
Maybe say you want him in hospital accessing all help while you are away. Tell him his decision around this will decide your marriage. Its make or break time. He has to take responsibilitY for getting well.
GO ON HOLIDAY!!

PerverseConverse · 15/09/2018 08:18

Looks like OP won't be back. If you're still reading OP then pleas listen to what everyone is saying.

PeridotCricket · 15/09/2018 08:18

I hope you are getting help and support to. It’s incredibly easy to get very ill yourself when you are caring for someone. You need help too and a break.

Sisgal · 15/09/2018 08:23

Oh god get out now. He's bringing you down. Life too short, why should his "anxiety' and 'depression' ruin things for you and kids? Its not selfish to leave him, no. You'll be so much happier. I bet you feel like a prisoner trapped in his misery

candlefloozy · 15/09/2018 08:27

I have a similar partner. I'm often wondering how much of his actions are mental health and how much is just his nasty personality. I really feel for you and you should go on that holiday. Maybe if he didn't go then It would be a break for you too?

Original poster

ILoveChillies · 15/09/2018 12:26

I am here and truly grateful for the responses.
I can’t post too much right now but will be back later.

OP posts:

GrapesAreMyJam · 15/09/2018 12:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Maelstrop · 15/09/2018 13:16

Please don’t cancel the holiday. Think of your dc, surely they’re important. Send him to his family, they can deal while you go t9 Eurodisney.

CryptoFascist · 15/09/2018 13:26

Please go on your holiday with your DC, they would be devastated if it was cancelled I'm sure.
You could look into getting carers to come in 3 X a day to help with hand washing, toileting and meal prep. Many younger people with disabilities including mental health issues have some 3rd party care input, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

BunnyCarr · 15/09/2018 14:12

LTB.
Don't let him pull you down with him.
You can't help him and he wants you to fail too.
Please ditch this loser.
He's a twat.

sliceofcheese · 15/09/2018 15:36

He is not on medication. He thinks he doesn’t need it....

This is the deal breaker for me. Yes OCD, anxiety and depression are debilitating but it sounds like he is refusing to see it's an issue. He needs to take steps to help himself. This includes finding out about and trying medication. He has been like this for10 years. It won't go away while he does nothing and you do everything.

Yes it's difficult but he HAS to engage. I've had depression and anxiety. It's very very rough to admit the issue and engage in treatment but it is essentially if you don't nothing gets better, it only spirals out of control.

He needs to take responsibility for himself. All his conditions can be managed/treated with therapy and medication. But he has to engage with it. Yes he may never be 100% but many many people do live mostly normal lives with these conditions.

Ive never heard of OCD affecting someone like you describe before. That's way beyond a level that you should be dealing with without help.

He needs to get help. You can only support him if he pulls his weight as well. That involves engaging with therapy and medication if a medical professional deems it necessary.

When did he last go to a doctor? Did they suggest meds? Does he have a script he won't fill by any chance?

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2018 15:41

I don't know how you live like this. But more than that, I don't understand how you can consider cancelling this holiday because of this man and doing that to your kids.

Clearly you need to end the relationship. He will never ever get better with you enabling him, I mean that gently. You're sacrificing your life, and your children's childhoods to this mans illness.

You need to find a way to get out. For all your sakes. And that includes him.

ohfourfoxache · 15/09/2018 15:56

Bloody hell I feel for you

He’s got you exactly where he wants you.

Do you get on with your ILs? Can they take him for a while?

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