Wedding panics - want to call it off

[tinydancingtadpole]

I'm getting married in a few months.

All is lovely apart from one of DP's family members who has been and is causing as much stress and drama as she can in the run up.

It's making me want to call the whole thing off (which is what she wants).

Should I call it off?

She's going to be there, her DH is bestman.

I can't see the stresses ever ending and it's driving a wedge between the family.

No one wants to upset her so I'm the one that has to put up and shut up, but if that's a sign of how married life will be do I even want that?

Who os this woman in relation to your Dh, a relative or wife of a friend? Why does nobody want to upset her?
You cant change the whole path of your life because of someone else's actions..unless there is more to it..how is your relationship with your partner generally?

It depends how close the relative is. If she is MIL to be, I wouldn't want to be frequently in the company of someone so demanding. A cousin or aunt seen at family occasions I could cope with.

Does your love outweigh the pain from relative or are you looking for a way out and this is giving you an excuse?

Who is she? Will you have to interact with he much after the wedding?

Have you asked anyone why there are so keen not to upset her but happy to upset you? What does your do say?

I wouldn’t give up without a fight just yet.

It's my DP's brothers wife.
No one wants to upset her as she already limits the time the in laws get to see the grandchildren and seems to use that as a method of power and control.

Therefore no one wants to upset her and I'm there one left upset or having to deal with it on my own.

It's made me feel isolated and full of anxiety.

She's very good at coming across all lovely in front of people so family members make me out to be imaging it, despite there being a considerable list of things done directly aimed at me.

My Dp is aware of these things but struggles himself with what to do and so ends up doing nothing.

I feel like at the end of the day if anything is done about it now I will be seen as the crazy one and I'm better off just trying to get on with stuff.

It's the thought of things being that way for the rest of my life that drives me insane.

I feel quite hurt and angry about the way DP and his parents have dismissed it

I'd definitely have second thoughts about marrying into a family where one person actively tries to make my life a misery. If DP is supportive and stands up for you, I'd probably be ok with it. If he's always putting someone else first and telling you to put up and shut up, I'd walk.

Play her at her own game. This is your wedding and it will be done your way (with dos input of course). She gets away with it because you’re allowing it. Nip it in the bud now.

One of my very good friends has a sister in law like this. says some truly horrible things to my friend and another sister in law (all three married brothers). It took time, but they’ve been able to distance themselves from having to interact with the one sister in law. There are odd occasions it’s unavoidabke (every third Xmas). Certainly not enough to either end a marriage or call one off.

Talk to you fiancé, show him examples of the behaviour. Tell him you’re so upset st the thought of having to deal with this woman for life. What kind of solution can he offer? It may well be that in future the guys see each other snd it’s not couples. Maybe husband has to play interference at minimum gathers where she’ll be so you don’t have to get close.

After the ridding, he will need to advise people that due to her behaviour, she’s a topic best not discussed. So you’ll not have to hear about her opinions on things (if that’s an issue) from mutual friends/relatives (assuming the connection is a relative)

Best of luck OP. Your fiancé would surely want you and will be on your side to reduce contact.

Talk to them say exactly how you are feeling and that you are not prepared to ruin and change YOUR wedding for her.

If it’s geniunely at the point you are prepared to walk away then tackling it is not going to make things worse. Find your voice and tell them you are not going to take it

So you're thinking of marrying a man who won't have your back or defend or stick up for you because he's scared of his sister-in-law for some reason?

You'll be back here in a year with a list as long as your arm about the things she's done and the fact your DH doesn't do anything about it. Definite recipe for a long and happy marriage.

Seriously, it's not just about her. It's about him. If he doesn't start backing you up, I'd walk away not just from the wedding but from him.

We already have a child together. We both wanted to try for another at some point but I don't want to anymore.

The issues only started when I got pregnant and have just got worse since then.

If I knew how things would have been back then I would have never agreed to get married or have his child.

I've moved locations away from family (only by an hour but still a distance) to be part of a family that allows this to happen

Can you give some examples of what is happening?

@Whatsthispain it would be quite outing some of the stuff.

Worst of it happened a year ago and was general bullying over text that was relentless.

Most recently is she's been gaslighting me

I've been trying to have some sort of coping mechanism to try and help with my anxiety about it all but nothing seems to help.
I'm drinking more too.

If i could get through it knowing that I was just marrying DP and not his family I would, but they are a close family and the way I've been treated and left to deal with it on my own makes me feel like an outsider forced to play along to keep everyone else happy

Well, things are worse and your DH isn't supporting you. This is why you now don't want a second child with him.

Why would you therefore want to marry him?

Abusive texts and gaslighting isn't ok, your dp should be doing something about it. I'm not surprised you feel this way. I'd tell him very clearly what you've said here - that your relationship is in jeopardy unless he does something about it. Is he really prepared to lose his partner because of his sister in law?

I tell him often enough and nothing gets done and then it's forgotten about until the next time.

It's got to the point where it's affecting me too much and causing such anxiety and negative thoughts that I feel like I need outside help.

I don't feel like I'm being a good parent to my child because of how it's affected me over the last 18 months or so.

I have a good job and a place to go if I needed to and feel like that might be my only option right now

I think you need to sit your DP down and tell him how you feel. That this is not good for your health and if he doesn’t start backing you up then you will walk away. Presumably aside from this you have a good, solid relationship?

Would your DP be willing to move back to where you are from, if not, why not? If he realises how bad it is he should be willing to do these things. If not, walk away and be VERY clear about why.

LEAVE

Seriously, you don't need to rehash stuff to us. It's totally obvious what you should be doing and you know that deep down because you've already vetoed a second child and you've recognised you drink too much and this is the cause. You're also recognising that it is impeding your parenting. It really isn't just a SIL problem but a DP problem.

Maybe, just maybe, you walking away will be the jolt he needs to realise he needs to step up to the plate. But be prepared not to go back.

I'd write a list of everything that's happened so that it's straight in my mind and real. It will give clarity that all these things actually have happened. I'd then have a full and frank discussion with dp about the list and his failure to have your back. Emphasise how it's actually making you feel ill. Ask him what he plans to do to tackle this. Perhaps he needs to speak to his parents confidentially too. So many parents will not rock the boat, especially where grandchildren are concerned.

My next move would depend on what reassurances he could offer me.

What does dp's brother have to say?

Your ‘only oprion’ Is a really good one. I rarely tell people to leave but in your scenario then I think you should. I left my DP when my DD was just turning two with the message, ‘i love you but not all the shot that comes with you, sort it out’. He did, we got back together and have another child. (Years later, still together but he’s accumulated more shit and life is hard again but ok!)
Really, run like the wind, then you only need to deal with him, he can deal with his family (you can cut them off).

It is not worth your mental health.

It all seems too little too late.

Before him I was in an abusive relationship (emotionally / financially) and he seems to think that because he is none of those things I should be grateful.

Only problem is I made such a bit effort to remove the bad from my life before that I feel it's just been replaced by anther gaslighting bully, and one that it seems won't go away.

I don't want to put ultimatums in place as itl break up the family.

I'm the outsider here so it seems I am the one with the issue and therefore I'm the one that has to put up, shut up or leave.

I had previously asked DP to guarantee I would never have to attend another family event with her again, but he said he couldn't do that.
And even if I did force that point, the family would probably consider it my issue.

And I’m sorry you’re going through this

@Whatsthispain
I wrote a list this time last year of the things she'd done and said.
I've still got it written down.
Obviously more has happened since but I haven't bothered adding to the list as despite the list being shared between DP and his brother, the brothers wife denied pretty much everything!

@SenoritaViva thank you

He is unsupportive. He thinks your vulnerable so won’t leave him. Do it, for yourself (health) and your child (parenting and their reliance on you being a good parent). And make a commitment to stop drinking and start afresh. Change your habits. Life WILL be better.