Wedding panics - want to call it off

[tinydancingtadpole]

I'm getting married in a few months.

All is lovely apart from one of DP's family members who has been and is causing as much stress and drama as she can in the run up.

It's making me want to call the whole thing off (which is what she wants).

Should I call it off?

She's going to be there, her DH is bestman.

I can't see the stresses ever ending and it's driving a wedge between the family.

No one wants to upset her so I'm the one that has to put up and shut up, but if that's a sign of how married life will be do I even want that?

All is lovely apart from one of DP's family members

No, it's not. Because it's also your DP. Come on, OP, wake up. With every message it's becoming more and more clear that I was totally right in my first reply. Your DP does not have your back and actually isn't a very nice person.

Fuck this "can't give an ultimatum it'll break up the family" shit. You know what you have to do. HE will be one who breaks up the family, not you, unless he steps up.

But he's not going to. He's a nasty piece of work by virtue of this: "Before him I was in an abusive relationship (emotionally / financially) and he seems to think that because he is none of those things I should be grateful"

I negotiated that I didn't have to see sil again. Luckily all the family have seen through her. Dh had a frank discussion with his bro. However we still argue about it, mainly cos family events put so much stress on dh that he hates dealing with it alone. Day to day it has no impact.

You can PM me if you like, I recently reduced my drinking lots and feel great. Happy to support you and give a bit of advice. There are also boards on here (but I found them overwhelming with too much content!)

In a marriage, the two partners support each other before anything and anyone else.
If your partner isn't doing that then you shouldn't marry him.

I suspect the toxic sil sees you as a threat and competition. You have produced a grandchild for the ils, so she no longer has sole control over them seeing any gc at all.
She probably half tolerated you while you were just a girlfriend and not officially part of the family, but now you are going to have equal weight as a sil yourself, she’s probably trying to assert dominance.
The real problem here is not her.
It’s your fiancé.
Either he puts you first, or he puts her first. If it’s the former, for goodness’ sake don’t marry him.
Your gut instinct is already waving warning flags, as you say you now don’t want another child with him and are having doubts about the wedding.
I think you need to sit him down and have the “It’s me or it’s her” discussion. And be very clear about the consequences of him making the wrong choice.
Of course, for sil that would be a win win. Either she breaks up your relationship or she dominates you for years. The only good option is he stands up and backs you all the way.

This isn’t going to get better on its own. Your DP isn’t bullying or abusing you BUT he is allowing someone else to! Just sa bad, it really is.

It's all got a lot worse for my mental state since I decided to move on (as I have been told I will have to see her at family occasions) that I would do my best and hold out an olive branch, which I have regularly done over the last 6 months.

Each one has either been brushed off or accepted and then thrown back at me at the last minute.

It makes me feel worse that after reaching out to put things behind (which I shouldn't have ever needed to do) that it gets thrown back.

I feel belittled and like a doormat

I’m sorry op, this is how life will be in that family, not just for six months but all the time you’re part of it.

I feel belittled and like a doormat

So, what are you actually going to do? You've raised it with your DP who does fuck all about it. You honestly have only the following options:

a) carry on as you are
b) leave and have nothing to do with him except co-parenting
c) leave and see if he promises to make changes AND then follows through with them

Which are you going to do?

Why do you think she has it in for you so much? Sounds awful.

@hmmwhatatodo
I'm not too sure.
There was no problem.
Then when I became pregnant things started.
Got worse when we bought a house near to the in laws, and then peaked just a week after I gave birth

It's actually irrelevant why the SIL has it in for you, OP. You're not living with her. You're not due to marry her.

OP I married into a family which doesn’t deal with problems but just goes into denial and always finds a scapegoat to blame, inside or outside the family. Luckily I have never lived close by but for the first few years I just couldn’t understand why no one was making any meaningful attempts to get to know me. It took me a long time to see that their own relationships are very shallow and wrapped up in a couple of individuals who attempt to hold the family system hostage (like your SIL).

It has taken me years and years to see the full extent of it and I have been so lucky to live far away (we even emigrated for 6 years!). I believe now if we lived close by our marriage would not have have survived, instead we are very happy (we are one of the few couples still married in the extended family). The fact that your partner is not able to stand up to SIL and for you makes me think she is not the only one who is using power moves because he has already been trained to accept toxic behaviour.

Be honest with yourself. This situation is toxic and making you ill (seems to be affecting your mental health). If you would not have had a child knowing what you know now then there are VERY SERIOUS problems in this relationship and family. It is not too late, you can leave and have your freedom and peace of mind back, you don’t have to live like this. Some families are very toxic and cause misery, you can say NO and leave.

should I call it off?

You need to postpone your wedding and discuss all this properly with you fiancé.

No one should get married if they have serious doubts.

Dp may not be abusive, but he’s allowing his family member to be - how is that ok?

Honestly, I'd move back closer to my own family and leave that lot to stew in their own juice.

Be grateful to her. She is a horrible person, but she has shown you how weak and selfish your partner is, and potentially saved you from making a huge mistake.
If he was supportive, you could stand up to her and get through it as a stronger couple. He isn't and he will let you down when you most need him.
Instead of marrying him, work out a way to move on with your own life and still parent your joint child. He isn't a good man and you deserve better.

We have a distant family member who is deeply unpleasant and manipulative, but thankfully we see them rarely and they don’t impinge on our day to day life. I am riddled with anxiety before our infrequent meetings and would quite happily never ever see them again. However they are far enough removed from me that it doesn’t cause me general anxiety, I certainly couldn’t cope with contact with them all the time. There is a lot of pandering to their whims and behaviour and it drives me up the wall.

Sorry to hear that Tiny, do you think it’s a jealousy issue then? Does she not have much to do with her own family? I almost think it puts you in a more superior position if this is the case ; can you turn your thinking to that of pity for her that she needs to behave like this so it doesn’t eat up so much of your headspace? What does your brother in law have to say about her behaviour?

@hmmwhatatodo
I'm not too sure.
She seems to be close with her own family as far as I can tell.

I really don't know her well enough.
She says one thing to one person and something different to someone else.

I just don't want to end up on anti depressants just to get trough the wedding and potential future family occasions.

I also don't want my child growing up learning that this is normal behaviour and that either it's ok to treat people like that, and also that it's ok to let people treat you like that

Jeez this sounds like my issues with my future mil. I'm faced with the same dilemma! I have no advice, watching with interest.
I know how you feel tbh

Surely you 'D'P isn't worth this affect on you physical and mental health. Tell him straight, tell him you are done as he cannot and will not protect you and move back to your family with your child.

I bet, mentally, you will instantly start feeling better once you do this.

So... you ARE going to call off the wedding and move, yes?

I feel like I've given plenty of chances for DP to act to sort this out by now.
I have been so let down.
I don't see any other option.

I've given him plenty of opportunities and even asked him directly (shouldn't have needed to) to give me a guarantee that I wouldn't never need to have contact with her again.

He hasn't done that

Ok so if you go ahead with the wedding she will be there and therefore you will not enjoy it. Not a good idea. Who wants to remember a wedding like that?

If you cancel it I expect that will also cause some sort of uproar. Again, not ideal.

If you elope to Gretna green that will also no doubt have a backlash so that’s a no go.

If you uninvited her that will also be problematic so again a no go.

Whichever situation you choose won’t be fun. Do you want to marry him really and truly? Do you see a good future ahead? I imagine it will be quite hard to block her out if you do go ahead and get married.

Could you be brave and confront her and ask her what she’s playing at when there’s no one else there?

Maybe it’s best to postpone the wedding for now? I don’t know how that works for you practically and financially but surely it’s better than going ahead and hating the day and what follows?