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Original poster

Wedding panics - want to call it off

117 replies

tinydancingtadpole · 29/08/2018 08:00

I'm getting married in a few months.

All is lovely apart from one of DP's family members who has been and is causing as much stress and drama as she can in the run up.

It's making me want to call the whole thing off (which is what she wants).

Should I call it off?

She's going to be there, her DH is bestman.

I can't see the stresses ever ending and it's driving a wedge between the family.

No one wants to upset her so I'm the one that has to put up and shut up, but if that's a sign of how married life will be do I even want that?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 29/08/2018 13:32

I honestly think that is the right thing to do. Sad though it is, better now than later.

hmmwhatatodo · 29/08/2018 13:33

Also, I’m not sure how anyone could possibly guarantee you that you will never have to see her again, wouldn’t that just be a case of you having to give up going to family events to ensure you don’t have to see her? I imagine that’s why your future husband isn’t able to give you definite answers. Can’t he speak to his brother to fine out what the issue is?

BIWI · 29/08/2018 13:36

I think that you're asking your DP the wrong thing. It's unrealistic (and a bit unreasonable) to expect not to ever see the woman again, as she is part of his family. But you should be asking him to back you up and support you against her.

You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel - show him the evidence (and update that list) - and explain what the consequences of her behaviour are, i.e. your mental health and anxiety right now, plus the longer term consequence that you're prepared to break your relationship with him off if something doesn't change.

Sorry - it sounds really tough

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Quartz2208 · 29/08/2018 13:36

This isn’t about her it’s about your DP not supporting you or having your back and if you feel he doesn’t then yes it’s probably not a basis to start your marriage

ISpeakJive · 29/08/2018 14:01

OP, I know you can’t tell how another person is feeling over a forum but it’s definitely clear with you. Every post has stress, upset, resignation, reluctance, anger written all over them!

This should be one of the happiest times of your life.

Nobody should marry feeling this way because it will only get worse.

borlottibeans · 29/08/2018 14:16

Wait, your DP thinks you should be grateful for the fact that your relationship isn't abusive? This is the bare minimum standard not something that he gets brownie points for! As is being able to rely on him to back you up when you're being bullied by one of his relations.

ShatnersWig · 29/08/2018 14:19

@borlotti Quite. The SIL is a red herring (awful person though she may be). The OP has a very definite DP problem that isn't ever going to get better.

hmmwhatatodo · 29/08/2018 14:26

Hang on, did he actually say “you should be grateful that im not like them”?

Original poster
tinydancingtadpole · 29/08/2018 14:32

Not exactly.

More along a passing comment during a previous argument along the lines of 'I'm not like your ex'

OP posts:
Original poster
tinydancingtadpole · 29/08/2018 14:42

I've told him before how comments like that and others he makes make me feel like he has no respect for me.

He disagrees with that but his actions don't match what he thinks of himself.

Such like this business with SIL, in which he has handled atrociously, and I've already told him before how it's made me question my feelings for him.

I don't feel like I am part of a supportive couple/family.

I feel like a single parent with a man I am about to marry who treats me with little respect whilst thinking because he's helpful with child and the Housework that it makes him a good husband to be.

He is a great father to our child, but not a good partner.
I know he knows that, as I don't shy away from telling him, but I feel like I deserve more.
The minimum I deserve is more respect and support in the case of his SIL and standing up to her.

His problem is trying to please everyone and he does but that leaves me suffering as I am the one that needs his support.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 29/08/2018 15:56

You need to at least postpone it

GladAllOver · 29/08/2018 16:47

It will be far easier in emotional and financial terms to call off the wedding, then fight through a divorce after an unhappy couple of years.
Don't marry him.

ThanosSavedMe · 29/08/2018 16:58

I’m afraid I agree after reading your updates. Maybe you cancelling the wedding will make him see that your serious and you won’t put up with it but it might not, he still might be an arsehole but at least you won’t be married to him.

I would let everyone know why you’ve cancelled the wedding too. I’m sorry you’re going through this when you should be excited and happy.

Movablefeast · 29/08/2018 17:04

OP are you any closer to a decision? I agree with a PP that this situation with your SIL should be seen as a blessing as it has brought to light how everyone in the family behaves, especially your DP. It would be a massive mistake to get married in the hope that things will change, if anything this is as good as it will get in terms of people being on their best behaviour.

Did you ever get counseling or support after your previous relationship? If you have a neutral third party you can talk this through with I would do so, especially someone with a marriage counseling background as they will have a good understanding of what is most likely to cause major problems down the line in marriage.

But I think you are getting an eye-opening reality check from the women on here. You should not be psychologically tying yourself in knots trying to manage and cope with other people’s behaviour. You should feel relaxed, happy and secure. I don’t get any of that from your posts.

If you have someone safe to go, such as your family, I would do it. It would be so much worse if you were married and disentangling yourself from this than if you make a break now.

ShatnersWig · 29/08/2018 22:58

But I think you are getting an eye-opening reality check from the women on here

Not all of us are women!

Mehaveit · 29/08/2018 23:09

He is a great father to our child, but not a good partner.

So why would you marry him?

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/08/2018 23:24

ShatnersWig
So you're thinking of marrying a man who won't have your back or defend or stick up for you because he's scared of his sister-in-law for some reason?

I take it that you missed the bit about her controlling access to the grand kids?

Its clear that she is manipulative and if he rocks the boat its going to fuck up lots of peoples lives because she is a manipulative person.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/08/2018 23:25

tinydancingtadpole

From what you have posted I can't see this ending any other way than with you leaving.

Cut your loses now.

HollowTalk · 29/08/2018 23:30

Arrgh, I wouldn't marry him, OP. In fact, I wouldn't want to be with him. Too much bloody drama and too many nutcases for my liking. He doesn't have your back. If you marry him, you'll regret it really quickly - probably even on the wedding day when shit happens and you're told to put up with it.

ShatnersWig · 29/08/2018 23:33

Boney They aren't her DPs grandkids. Nephews and nieces.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/08/2018 23:47

ShatnersWig

Yes but surely you see the knock on effect that anyone in the family standing up to her will have?

To say for "some reason" is minimising the hold that the woman has on the entire family.

ShatnersWig · 29/08/2018 23:57

We don't know. No one has ever stood up to her before, just enabled her behaviour. Frankly, if I was in the DPs shoes the SIL would be shown the door. Partner and your kids are the immediate and priority family unit.

AnoukSpirit · 30/08/2018 00:20

a man I am about to marry who treats me with little respect

In the nicest way possible, what were your grounds for deciding this man was not abusive and that this was a healthy relationship? Because without respect for you, it's sure as hell not a healthy one. It will only get worse once you're married and he thinks you're trapped.

How much support did you have after the abusive relationship ended to help you understand the dynamics of abuse and what a healthy relationship looks like. I ask, because different abusive people use different tactics, and you need the ability to a) identify the motive and tactics, and b) recognise what a healthy relationship would look like.

Somebody can be the polar opposite of a person who we know abused us, yet also still be abusive. "He's nothing like them" is not the way to assess it. At all. It's dangerous.

You mention him trying to please everyone. You mean everyone except you, right? Doing housework is a necessary part of being a human adult, and doing childcare is a necessary part of being a parent - so neither of those would count as trying to please you or value you, or as a contribution to your relationship.

I would walk away in your shoes. There is no way in hell I'd be marrying a man who didn't respect me or support me, and into a family where I'd be abused. Fuck that.

You deserve so much better, and you have every right to take the course of action necessary to secure that for yourself. I hope the advice and support you've had from people on this thread will give you the strength to make that call.

Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 00:50

Run away as fast as you can and as far as you can, this will only get worse, I left y husband after 17 years dut to similar x

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/08/2018 01:02

ShatnersWig

From the OP's second post

No one wants to upset her as she already limits the time the in laws get to see the grandchildren and seems to use that as a method of power and control.

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