Wedding panics - want to call it off

[tinydancingtadpole]

I'm getting married in a few months.

All is lovely apart from one of DP's family members who has been and is causing as much stress and drama as she can in the run up.

It's making me want to call the whole thing off (which is what she wants).

Should I call it off?

She's going to be there, her DH is bestman.

I can't see the stresses ever ending and it's driving a wedge between the family.

No one wants to upset her so I'm the one that has to put up and shut up, but if that's a sign of how married life will be do I even want that?

Some families thrive on drama, and if you're someone who likes to be on an even keel life will be very difficult. You'll be lurching from one manufactured upset to another. Run while you have the chance.

@Boney Yes, I can read. But I repeat - your primary family unit is your OH and your kids. This man is putting the secondary family unit first. That's not on. His prime focus should be supporting his partner.

I think you should leave. You sound so unhappy about this situation and at the moment, there doesn't seem to be any sign of it resolving itself. Cancel the wedding and start the process of moving back to be nearer your family. Better to focus on co-parenting successfully instead of trying to force yourself to accept a situation that is so unpleasant for you.

I agree with shatners the op DP is putting his parents before his partner. If the sil is difficult and limits time the in laws can spend with their grandchildren, it’s up to the other son, the one who’s actually married to the woman, to sort it out. The reality is, ops future husband thinks that helping with housework and childcare means he doesn’t need to sort any other problems including bullying of his wife to be.

Thank you all for your helpful replies.

I actually sent the link to this thread to DP so he could see exactly how much it's affecting me in black and white.

When I got home we spoke about it albeit briefly, but what is apparent is the whole situation makes him angry as he doesn't know what to do.

I feel a bit in limbo as I'm waiting for him to show me that he will stand up for me.

But yet again he puts me in a position where he says nothing and I'm the one explaining to his dad of all people what the problem is.

And yet again, I get told to just ignore and move on.

Easier said than done.

I can see that my son won't have a relationship with his cousins, uncle or aunty, and I can see how my DP won't have a relationship with his brother or nephews and nieces.

But I've done all I can, I'm exhausted and stressed because of trying for them, when they can't even talk together.

What it's really illustrated to me very clearly is how a family can portray themselves as being a loving close family unit, and actually beyond the surface they aren't at all close and don't even talk to each other when there's a problem.
Leading to issues like these that just fester and grow until it breaks everything apart.

I never wanted to be a part of a family like that.

I don't want to fake it for family occasions (what I'm expected to do).

I don't want DP being so weak that he won't stand up for his future wife.
That he won't speak to his (younger) brother for fear of what will be said.

All I wanted was for him for the first time to say to people -

'Tiny has been treated very badly by SIL and continues to be, and I support her and will not accept any bad behaviour in the run up to the wedding'

I also expected him by now to have had a conversation long ago with his brother who is also his best man to say 'what's the issue? If there is, fine we then know and can move on. If not, leave us alone and don't bother tiny or my family any more'

By now he also needed to say to his parents 'you know that SIL has treated tiny badly and continues to. There is no excuse for her bad behaviour. Please don't exacerbate tinys anxiety and upset in the matter by telling us to just ignore it'

These would all be mildly acceptable to me, as in an ideal world, someone needed to really stand up to her by now and tell her to just stop.

I'm really cross that even despite him reading the whole thread yesterday before I got home from work,
He still orchestrated it so that I had to say something to his dad.
It comes across as so weak and timid that he can't at something himself.

His parents dropped our child home after a day spent with them.
As his dad walks in the door asks how we are.
I say fine, as I obviously don't want to get into things with him. It's not my place. It's DP's place.

But as soon as the words came out of my mouth DP piped up and said 'don't lie'.

So his parents, seeing something was up, left hastily.

DP then told me later on in the evening that I had upset his dad.

So I messaged him to explain that I didn't mean to brush him off but the stress with SIL continues despite my efforts and I am worried about the wedding and concerned for family relationships going forward, specifically in relation to DP and my Child's relationships with the cousins/brother.

The message I received back was loud and clear - 'ignore, move on, it will sort itself out in the long run, child will choose his own relationships as he grows up, not worth the stress or upset, we love you all and will remain neutral'

Seriously, what did you expect?

He has shown you YET AGAIN he will NEVER have your back, NEVER support you in this.

So, the question still remains, are you going to stay with this man?

I really don't know anymore.

I felt like he really has shown his true colours and that he never will change or do anything to help me.

I felt like after everything, last night he had as good a chance as any, and he's made it even worse

He actually had the cheek to tell me that we couldnt call the wedding off as family had helped us pay for it.

I told him I want to move.
I've started looking at places close to my parents.

Luckily they have available space for me there and they know everything that's happened as the lack of support I've had through everything.

They know what I've been through in the past and hate that I'm going trough it all again (just in a different way).

They obviously want things to work out if it can because of our child, but they understand that it's affecting my health now and that's more important.

In all honesty op, you have done all you can to explain your point of view. While your DP gets angry and says he doesn’t know what to do, the truth is, he knows exactly what he should do but would rather let you suffer, put your relationship in jeopardy, than tackle the problem.
The more you’ve written about him the more apparent it becomes that he isn’t capable of doing what is needed.
Completely different scenario, but I have a friend who for some inexplicable reason, can’t/won’t talk explain his feelings to people, including his own wife. It has caused no end of problems but his attitude is that people should know better and that if he ignores the bad behaviour then it will go away! It hasn’t worked and can see chance of it ever working.
Your choice now is moving on with your life, having some short term upset but ultimately being able to live a life without being bullied and enabled by family.
Or
Getting married to a man who is prepared to let this happen and being part of a family that doesn’t see a problem with that. Your mental health will suffer as a result

But as soon as the words came out of my mouth DP piped up and said 'don't lie'

Threw you under the bus. He let your FiL know that you were annoyed about something, seems like it was a way of punishing you.

@Juells exactly.
If there was one thing he could have done to tip me over the wedge last night that was it.

How he thought it would help matters I have no idea.

The problem is, now I don't want him to bother saying stuff to anyone.
I'm sick and tired of him letting this happen and anything done now will be too little too late.

Hes also very good at not thinking about the consequences of things or thinking about what he says before he says it.
So I know he will end up making me look worse rather than actually standing up for me

Your DP sounds like a wimp! He may want an easy life but at what expense having his partner and child move an hour away because he can't address issues within HIS family.

I can't believe he mentioned this to his father when he could of waited until he left to talk just the two of you!

If OP reads this you a wimp and a disgrace of a man you don't deserve this women and especially don't deserve to call her your WIFE!

OP's partner**

I told him that last night.

How little he is willing to do to save him from losing his relationship.

How close he is to losing everything.

He very clearly has more respect and love for his family than me and is willing to risk losing me for a family that isn't very supportive of each other or close.

And what did he say?

How close he is to losing everything

He's already lost it. You can't possibly come back from this. Even if you leave and he comes round asking for another chance, there is no way in hell it would be any different. He has shown you who he is. Even knowing you had an abusive partner in the past he threw you under the bus. Nasty piece of work. Please put the necessary steps in place to leave. It doesn't matter what they will think of you. YOUR mental health comes top.

@CormoranStrike he just cried

He doesn't seem to have the words in him to say anything

He did tell me how co fused he is.

That I can get on with life and plan things and do nice things at the weekend and then get all upset over it again.

But what am I supposed to do?
Be miserable 100% of the time to make him realise just how bad it is?

He seems to not realise by now that people even with severe depression still have coping mechanisms to get through the day.

It's as if it's my fault he hasn't sorted things out because he assumed because one day I am happy, that everything is ok

Move back to your parents op, he isn't prepared to support you. What a complete coward

Christ on a bike tiny... Don't be me in 35yrs time. Normalised this sort of behaviour because it was a generation ago & I didn't have Mumsnet. Moved hundreds of miles away. I swear I could mark off the passage of time vs distance and draw up a timeline of my awakening. Now whilst I've grown emotionally, I still suffer issue induced trauma when worlds collide. My family & Dh's included.

If you love you OH, explain how you want this to pan out for you all as a family. Don't sell yourself short. Your respect for your OH will erode as time passes. Please don't disrespect yourself to appease others.

Go home, tiny. This relationship is in its death throws. He would need to become a different man to sort this out and he isn´t even willing to try.

How can you even think of marrying someone who won't stand up for you?? My DH and I have had our issues over the years but he's the one person in the world who always has my back. When I can't speak, he does it for me and vice versa. That's what marriage should be.

Put some space between you. His actions will tell you all you need to know .