Wedding panics - want to call it off

[tinydancingtadpole]

I'm getting married in a few months.

All is lovely apart from one of DP's family members who has been and is causing as much stress and drama as she can in the run up.

It's making me want to call the whole thing off (which is what she wants).

Should I call it off?

She's going to be there, her DH is bestman.

I can't see the stresses ever ending and it's driving a wedge between the family.

No one wants to upset her so I'm the one that has to put up and shut up, but if that's a sign of how married life will be do I even want that?

He's told you he's not going to do anything to help.
His family are brushing it under the carpet.
SIL sounds nasty, but you can avoid her to some extent. But what if you (God forbid) encounter another, more serious problem that can't be ignored? Do you think your DP or his family would have your back? I think they have demonstrated that no matter how much they love you, they don't have the balls to step up when you ask them to.
Please go home to your parents. Postpone the wedding. But be aware that this will be spun as you being 'difficult'.

@Gazelda

That's exactly my issue.

All of a sudden everything will be being turned on me being the difficult one should I act on this.

Even with DP stepping up to the mark (should he ever get the balls to do so), will probably be seen as stepping out of line.

He's always been so placid.

It's seeing how his family deal with this issue that I realise now why DP doesn't bother raising any issues when they arise, because no one cares enough to do anything about it

All of a sudden everything will be being turned on me being the difficult one should I act on this.

Yes, but the important thing is that you (and all of MN) know that it isn't true. So they can think what they like.

You can see that their family is completely dysfunctional and that your DP is as guilty as any of the others. So who gives a flying shit what they think? You CANNOT go through with this just because of what they'll think. Your life is going to be utterly miserable if you do, so get out now while you have the chance. You're not married yet, so you can just walk away. A divorce would be much messier and more prolonged.

Whether you marry or not you will always be their scapegoat, so you might as well be it in a way that supports you and your mental health.

Go home to your parents. Who cares if you appear to be difficult.
This is your life and you deserve to be happy.

Cancel the wedding. Definitely.

You leave and DP family think your difficult
Stay and DP family think it’s ok for you to be treated badly. DP believers that you should just put up and shut up.
I know which is the better option

Haven’t read the full thread, but come on OP. Your SIL has power over you because you are giving her power over you. Who give a fuck what her opinion is on your wedddinn? She’s invited, end of.

I agree your Op could be more supportive, but I imagine he doesn’t like SIL either, but doesn’t want to fall out with his brother.

You sound like you I’ve the drama of it, and want a big family fall out where everyone takes your side and falls out with SIL.

If you ignore her and are superficially pleasant she’ll not have any ammunition. Get on with your own life. It seems extreme to blame your SIL for your heavy drinking, depression and change of mind about having another child. Take responsibility for your own life

Cornelius....absolutely agree with everything you've posted.

I also feel uncomfortable with you showing his thread to your DP to ‘prove your point’

It seems very passive aggressive. Why can’t you tell him your feelings, and what’s wrong with his behaviour? Why eat random strangers on the internet to tell you to leave him and show it to him to try and make him do what you want? It’s very manipulative.

You haven’t given any example of your SILs awful behaviour. I’m still unsure if she’s just being a bit bitchy, or full on crazy

I'm going to go against the grain here and say can't you just decide she's not worth even entering your brain? Why give a shit what she says or does as she's obviously a crap human being? Why waste your time worrying about her? She's not worth it. I do appreciate you have anxiety and I have no experience with that so that probably makes it a whole lot worse. I'm not trying to be dismissive of your problems as I'm not the one living with them.

Unless your sil is swearing at you in front of your in-laws you can't really expect them to be anything other than neutral.

Your dh is in a very tricky position but I don't think I could give my dh an ultimatum over something like this. But admittedly I don't actually know what she has said or done. She just sounds like a bitch but there are a lot of those in the world. I think your dh should be doing more. I think it's fair to expect him to have a heat to heart to his brother about it and to get his view.

Could you go and stay with your parents for a few weeks to get some thinking space?

I know this is different but I don't get on with some of my in-law family and I just say I'm not going to some of the family events. And the ones I do go to I just let their rudeness or whatever amuse me. I smile politely and listen to their shit (not really aimed at me, so obviously not as bad as what you experience) and think of great come backs in my head. Then I go home and don't worry about it.

@seven201 thank you for the alternative point of view.
It's helpful as I want things to work.

I recognise my anxiety has increased because of the situation and I've made the first step to organise help for that.

I was surprised as my score on the anxiety test was extremely high.

@CorneliusCrackers
Totally agree that the way the thread has turned out makes me think it's probably not good for DP to read it.

I had hoped I was given suggestions on ways to cope but it's mostly been LTb's which isn't the answer. It certainly doesn't solve it.

I'ts very much the drama SIL craves that makes me panic so much.
I've always been a quiet shy person and don't share personal details with people other than my parents and closest friends so this is a rare insight into all the things that have been bubbling through my mind.

If there's anything I can take from it is that it's helped me put in words how I feel.
When I've said the same things written down here to DP it goes from his mind as quickly as it came.

I wish I had that ability.

I'm glad you said that tiny as I was worried my post would upset you.

What help are you getting for the anxiety? I think this is really making the sil into a much bigger thing than it could be.

If you have trouble getting your thoughts and feeling across to dp verbally then how about you write it all down and go through it with him? Write it in a non accusatory way, just a how you're feeling about things. Don't focus too much on the past as that's been and gone now. Work out a way forward and say what support you need.

@seven201
Definitely not upsetting at all.
I have self referred for local mental health services for cbt to help with the anxiety and negative feelings this has triggered.

This was done through my health insurance ...

To be honest, tiny, that is even another reason not to take such a life changing step as getting married, just at the moment.

Hi again op

It sounds like the family as a whole aren’t into confrontation and arguments, hence his dad saying pretty much ignore it and never mind. I’m sure they must be aware of what she is like but don’t like to rock the boat. I expect your husband to be just isn’t up to standing up to her. I don’t think this makes him a nasty piece of work, nor do I think he tried to throw you under the bus when your dad came over. Maybe that was his way of trying to bring the subject up to see what family would suggest? If he really wants things to work then I guess now is the time he will step up and tell her to give it a rest.

Well done for doing the self referral. When is the wedding? Could you move postpone it without losing a lot of money? I agree with Glad, now is not the best time for a big life event. You need to get your mental health sorted first I think. I'm definitely not saying you should LTB, but anyone should only get married when they're in the right place to make such a big decision.

Although having said all this I think you df doesn't sound like a band person, just someone who struggles to deal with their family vs you. If you love him and want to get married then perhaps you should do it if its a bit late for postponing stuff.

There's no reason for your sil to have any say in your wedding planning. Shut down any wedding talk she brings up. "Hmmmn, maybe" then you change the subject quickly. If she persists "no, we've got other plans for that. Have you heard about the giant turtle in cornwall?" Or "thanks but Df and I are planning this together, just the two of us. Right, see you later, just going to stop The dog from stealing the last sausage". Don't give her space to get started. Shut her down and don't care.