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Original poster

One parent different from the rest

112 replies

Knitjob · 19/08/2018 16:31

Ds is 10 and has been part of a group of 5 kids who have been pals for a long time. Over time it's become clear that one parent has very different opinions on giving her son freedom compared to all the rest. 4 of the boys are allowed to do a lot of things independently but one boy is not.

This has caused a few problems over the years. Either boy x misses out or his mum tags along. Everyone else is finding this very frustrating. We have all known each other for years, there are no additional needs to consider, just a mum who feels differently to the rest of us.

She is entitled to feel differently, that's not the issue. But when it interferes with our parenting decisions it's very annoying.

This summer for the first time we let the boys go swimming alone. You are allowed to do this from age 8 in our local pool. The boys are now 10. The plan was I would drop them off, make sure they got their tickets ok, once I saw them in the water I would go to the cafe in the pool, but not in view, and I would tell them when time was up. 4 parents quite happy with this, one parent not happy. Put great pressure on the other 4 to change their minds. When we said no, she went into the pool with her son and proceeded to 'supervise' all the kids, telling them how to play. Not quite the independent swimming they had been looking forward to.

She has accompanied them to the the sweetie shop, to an organised activity in the local library, you name it. The other boys have started saying "don't tell x or his mum will want to come". l don't blame them.

I (being possibly the most tactful of the group) have tried to say that sometimes the other parents feel that we want our kids to have some independent time. It's good for them. She did not take it well.

Today 2 boys came to the door to see if my son wanted to go to the park to play football. I said fine. The did not go in for x. Somehow his mum found out they were there and messaged me asking why they hadn't come in for him. I replied saying "I think they wanted some time at the park without an adult to be honest. Sorry. I'll tell them to come round when they're done, it looks like it's about to rain anyway." She went to the park and proceeded to supervise their football game. The other boys came home 10 minutes later unimpressed because she turned up. So now 3 boys are playing football in my garden and one is presumably at the park, upset at having been left behind, with his mum.

Another parent has really run out of patience now and is about to lose her temper I think. Are we (And our sons) being terrible friends? Or are we right to feel this one woman is controlling all of our choices? I don't want to upset anyone but I want my son to be able to go to the park with his friends for half an hour without her joining in all the time.

I know I am going to end up having to try and smooth things over when friend2 has said her piece. I don't want us all to fall out but I'm thinking it's maybe inevitable. Or the mum is going to be knocking on my door any minute now wondering why all the others went home. I think I'll hide under the bed. Seems like the most mature course of action.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 19/08/2018 16:38

Completely understand your pov.

Good luck!

Nicola345 · 19/08/2018 16:38

Maybe she thinks hes still too young to be out by himself unsupervised

DrCorday · 19/08/2018 16:39

When you say she didn’t take it well the first time you’ve spoken to her, how do you mean?

That will help determine how to try again next time!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

10 year olds
Kezzie200 · 19/08/2018 16:40

She has to make a decision. This is how it is. Does she want her son to join in on those terms or not. Simples. She says no, fine, her chouce. So don't moan.

Id let the one about to lose her temper, lise it to be honest. Youve tried.

KindergartenKop · 19/08/2018 16:45

I'd step back and not involve yourself. It's essentially a quarrel between the boy and his mum and amongst the boys themselves. Also this will become less of an issue once the schools go back and the nights draw in. Next summer the boy's mum might give him more freedom as he moves up to secondary schy.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/08/2018 16:51

Someone is going to have to be very blunt with her and point out that she will cost her child all of his friendships if she doesn't chill the fuck out. Her choice is to not send her ds to activities she disapproves of, not get involved in everyone else's business.

I tend towards helicopterish parenting myself, but she is ott even by my standards.

I must admit I would not take it at all well if some other parent was taking it upon herself to boss my kids around when they are just trying to play.

fixingabrokenhesrt · 19/08/2018 17:01

You say that her way of parenting interferes with your parenting- but isn't that exactly what your group want to do to her?

happinessischocolate · 19/08/2018 17:02

How's she going to cope when they go to secondary school 🙄

I think I'd just not text her back or let her know where the boys are, or reply saying they're out at the shops when you know they're at the park and then just invite the boy round when/if they decide to stay home?

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 19/08/2018 17:07

I think IWannaSeeHowItEnds way is the only way. The boys want some more independence and her son will be left out if she doesn’t chill out. She can make her choices but she can’t keep showing up to supervise them when they don’t need or want it, and you’re all trying to teach them independence. She’s doing her son no favours.

BewareOfDragons · 19/08/2018 17:08

You say that her way of parenting interferes with your parenting- but isn't that exactly what your group want to do to her?

I don't think it's the same thing. She can still choose to parent her way, but her son is going to have to find other friends if she wants to do so. Because the other boys aren't having it, and those 4 sets of parents are choosing to support letting the boys have more freedom at their age.

Oblomov18 · 19/08/2018 17:08

She's already been told. And she's chosing to continue. That's her choice.

Original poster
Knitjob · 19/08/2018 17:10

You say that her way of parenting interferes with your parenting- but isn't that exactly what your group want to do to her

No. She is free to keep her child at home if she doesn't want him to swim unsupervised, for example. It is not ok for her to turn up and start supervising 4 other kids whose parents have chosen to let them go alone.

She is free to keep her child at home if she doesn't want him to go to the park alone. They don't always go alone, often one of the other parents will walk their dog while the kids play, or another parent might go with a smaller child to the swing park while the older ones play football. So it's not like her son can never go with them.

But today the other parents chose to let their kids have some time alone at the park without adults and she overruled all of us and started referreeing their football game.

It's going to end in tears, isn't it? I don't think this friendship group will last. I'm a bit sad about that, we've been friends a long time. I guess when they are at secondary school the parents will have less to do with each other anyway. It's just a shame this summer has ended up with so many awkward moments. That's the last thing we all need.

OP posts:
Takfujimoto · 19/08/2018 17:19

I think she's being incredibly rude by interfering with their activities after being told you approve with them playing independently, she can sit there and watch her own child but she's got no right to bother yours.

I would let your riled up friend have her say and be calm but blunt if she turns up at your door.

Original poster
Knitjob · 19/08/2018 17:24

Excellent. MumX has just been at my house. She is very upset because the boys ran off and left her and her son in the park.

I apologised for that, because it is rude. Not helped by the fact that she could hear them all playing in the back garden. I did ask if he wanted to go and join them but she said no.

I just said that I feel it's time to start giving ds some more freedom, and it feels that most of the other parents feel similar. I said that I feel the boys are wanting some freedom from adults now too and I am happy to encourage that, within certain boundaries.

Then I hoiked up my big girl pants and said that if she is not happy for her ds to join in activities without adult supervision then she really should just keep him at home for those particular activities.

She said "God, I didn't realise you all hated us so much" then left.

What can I do? Nothing. Fucks sake. I just wanted to have a nice afternoon to myself with ds out at the park having fun with his pals. There are 2 other parents involved here, why did she have to pick my door?

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 19/08/2018 17:24

Totally agree with you and I am the parent who has to go and supervise ds.

However at the age it was clear friends kids wanted the independence I would have to say to her "if I come round and kids want to x well have to go along. If your kids want independent time today then mother me or me will visit".

My friend took some time to adjust to not having my company (she just said why couldn't ds stay home with us then?) but we had to what was best for all the children imo.

I was also isolated but as I said - you have to try and balance what's best for everyone.

Haffdonga · 19/08/2018 17:25

Can you plan an activity for the boys with the 4 'liberal' mums to do and explain in advance to helicopter mum that her ds is invited but on condition that it's kids only - because you are deliberately trying to develop the boys' independence. If she isn't comfortable with her ds doing it unsupervised then you'll all understand and be careful that the boys don't talk about it to her ds.

That way you'll explain your reasons, you'll give her a clear and fair choice to agree with your groups' decisions or not be involved and you're respecting her choice to do it differently.

Haffdonga · 19/08/2018 17:26

Oh dear. X posts.

At least you've told her fairly and honestly.

MilkybarGrownup · 19/08/2018 17:26

This sounds awful. My kids are unsupervised quite a lot because they really don't need or want it. I'd be pretty annoyed if my children's playtime was being ruined every time because of a parent not just supervising but bloody interfering taking a role in their playtime, telling them what to do or refereeing their kickabouts.
I would hate it if my child was rude but I can honestly say I would struggle to being myself to discipline my child if they decided to up and walk away every time she turned up and tell the friend why. I feel for the kid. He's going to end up alone with his mummy.

NewYearNewMe18 · 19/08/2018 17:27

She is free to keep her child at home if she doesn't want him to swim unsupervised, for example. It is not ok for her to turn up and start supervising 4 other kids whose parents have chosen to let them go alone.

Then you have to tell her this

titchy · 19/08/2018 17:33

Can you text her saying you don't hate her at all, and you'd love to remain friends with the two of them, but if she doesn't feel comfortable leaving her ds unsupervised then she mustn't muscle in and supervise the others as she's effectively undermining your parenting?

FilledSoda · 19/08/2018 17:34

You handled it well, I not sure what else you could have done really.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/08/2018 17:34

You did the right thing - she needed telling and you did it as kindly as you could. She is emotional about it right now and so whatever you said, she would have taken it badly. No one takes criticism well.

I would text her, so she can mull it over when she calms down and say that no one hates her, you consider her to be a dear friend, but that her way of parenting on this issue is starting to undermine the choices of others. That you want to give your dc some freedom at this age. You respect her view but she must respect yours too.

Then leave it. She'll either come around or she won't, but you'll have done your best.

Thehogfather · 19/08/2018 17:37

I think she's incredibly rude to override your normal, sensible parenting choices by forcing her company onto dc.

And she's not acting in the interests of her own ds by being so over protective. Not only will he end up loosing friends, in another year he'll be a laughing stock if she's as ott when he starts secondary. Not to mention it isn't fair on him to prevent normal age appropriate development and socialising.

Nobody would agree it was just a different parenting choice if she insisted her nt 5yr old wore a bib and drank from a bottle at a bday party, and proceeded to equip the other dc with them against the parents wishes, so why anyone would think its acceptable to inflict the equivalent on 10yr olds is beyond me.

SusanWalker · 19/08/2018 17:37

I think she's not necessarily unreasonable to want to keep an eye out, but the issue is more that she's not content to sit with a book on a distant bench or in the swimming pool cafe. Rather she's taking over their play and making the activity adult led.

I don't think there's much you can do now. You've told her why her sons starting to be sidelined, it's up to her now.

BewareOfDragons · 19/08/2018 17:42

She's being ridiculous. But she can't let go of her son, for some reason, and it appears she can't separate her from him if she's not welcome.

If you wanted to give her one last gasp of an 'out' on her behaviour, text her and suggest she pop round for a drink/chat with you while the boys go off to do their thing at the park. Tell them they all have to be back in an hour. Make sure they have a watch. Let her see them come back and perhaps realise it's ok for her son to play without her there and that he still follows the rules with them.