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Original poster

One parent different from the rest

112 replies

Knitjob · 19/08/2018 16:31

Ds is 10 and has been part of a group of 5 kids who have been pals for a long time. Over time it's become clear that one parent has very different opinions on giving her son freedom compared to all the rest. 4 of the boys are allowed to do a lot of things independently but one boy is not.

This has caused a few problems over the years. Either boy x misses out or his mum tags along. Everyone else is finding this very frustrating. We have all known each other for years, there are no additional needs to consider, just a mum who feels differently to the rest of us.

She is entitled to feel differently, that's not the issue. But when it interferes with our parenting decisions it's very annoying.

This summer for the first time we let the boys go swimming alone. You are allowed to do this from age 8 in our local pool. The boys are now 10. The plan was I would drop them off, make sure they got their tickets ok, once I saw them in the water I would go to the cafe in the pool, but not in view, and I would tell them when time was up. 4 parents quite happy with this, one parent not happy. Put great pressure on the other 4 to change their minds. When we said no, she went into the pool with her son and proceeded to 'supervise' all the kids, telling them how to play. Not quite the independent swimming they had been looking forward to.

She has accompanied them to the the sweetie shop, to an organised activity in the local library, you name it. The other boys have started saying "don't tell x or his mum will want to come". l don't blame them.

I (being possibly the most tactful of the group) have tried to say that sometimes the other parents feel that we want our kids to have some independent time. It's good for them. She did not take it well.

Today 2 boys came to the door to see if my son wanted to go to the park to play football. I said fine. The did not go in for x. Somehow his mum found out they were there and messaged me asking why they hadn't come in for him. I replied saying "I think they wanted some time at the park without an adult to be honest. Sorry. I'll tell them to come round when they're done, it looks like it's about to rain anyway." She went to the park and proceeded to supervise their football game. The other boys came home 10 minutes later unimpressed because she turned up. So now 3 boys are playing football in my garden and one is presumably at the park, upset at having been left behind, with his mum.

Another parent has really run out of patience now and is about to lose her temper I think. Are we (And our sons) being terrible friends? Or are we right to feel this one woman is controlling all of our choices? I don't want to upset anyone but I want my son to be able to go to the park with his friends for half an hour without her joining in all the time.

I know I am going to end up having to try and smooth things over when friend2 has said her piece. I don't want us all to fall out but I'm thinking it's maybe inevitable. Or the mum is going to be knocking on my door any minute now wondering why all the others went home. I think I'll hide under the bed. Seems like the most mature course of action.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 19/08/2018 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NynaeveSedai · 19/08/2018 17:49

Well done for explaining it - but she sounds awfully manipulative and I'm sure you haven't heard the last of it. You are
Going to have to hold the line and not give in.

Mindthecat · 19/08/2018 17:51

You did well to confront it. I know a parent like this too. Difference is, the DC are 15!. So it's good that you nipped it in the bud before it got too problematic

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10 year olds
Original poster
Knitjob · 19/08/2018 17:52

Hmm I think it's a bit about control too, if I thought she had some genuine anxiety I might be more sympathetic.

I'm not feeling sympathetic today though, I'm not going to text her or anything. She wasted ds's trip to the park, she turned up on my doorstep, shouted at me and flounced off in a huff.

Another mum is going to speak to her tonight, I'm not getting involved any more.

OP posts:
Urbanbeetler · 19/08/2018 17:57

She sounds a bit dramatic. Do reassure her that no one hates her or her boy. He is the one I feel sorry for here.

Fatted · 19/08/2018 18:01

I wouldn't do anything else just now. You have told her your opinion and she has to decide what to do from here. You were right to tell her.

FrancisCrawford · 19/08/2018 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Permaexhaustion · 19/08/2018 18:03

The real problem is not that she's there -eg. sitting in park, reading book, glancing over from time to time-consuming but that she can't stay out of their games.

Somehow you need to convey this to her.
That it's normal for growing DC to play games without adult input.

Discreet supervision from a distance, well, if that's what she wants to do for her DC, they'll get ribbed, and probably fail to learn independence, but might be tolerated by his friends.

It's her huge need to be involved that leads her to see anything else as rejection.

LexieLulu · 19/08/2018 18:06

You've said your bit, I don't think you really have to do anything else now

NancyJoan · 19/08/2018 18:13

Fucksake. Just ignore her. Nothing will make her accept your way of thinking.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 19/08/2018 18:14

DS has a friend like this (although tbf he was very ill as a child, nearly died) BUT, when his mum tags along she keeps her distance. So if they go to the park she'll take a book and sit far enough away that she doesn't get involved, likewise with swimming she'll sit in the spectators area.

Could you suggest MumX tries that? It could help her let go a bit, give the boys their freedom, but still keep an eye on her son.

SneakyGremlins · 19/08/2018 18:14

Poor boys Confused

Scrumptiousbears · 19/08/2018 18:15

By the sound sounds of it she isn't just quietly supervising she controlling their play.

Pepper123123 · 19/08/2018 18:21

It would be frustrating enough if she just sat in the background watching quietly, but it's another thing to interfere in their play time.

My DD is 9 and has had the freedom to play in the park with her friends (right next to our house) for the past two years. I think it's very important for children to learn how to solve minor arguments amongst themselves, about taking responsibility for time keeping etc.

Mum X's son will end up very resentful of his mother, which is sad.

I think you're right to say something. It's not fair that your son is missing out on independence because of her.

Momzilla82 · 19/08/2018 18:24

I think you need to somehow show her the impact of her actions on the other 4. Bluntness time.

4 boys are craving independence and their parents are keen to facilitate this. Your decision to not allow the same for your son, is yours alone, but we cannot allow you to impede the growth and natural inclination to be without adults of the other 4 to suit your choices with your son. Please respect the way we choose to allow our children to take tentative steps into adolescence.

Phillipa12 · 19/08/2018 18:25

If she speaks to you again on the matter i would just tell her that you dont hate her but you also dont appreciate her undermining your parental decisions not by accompanying her son but by taking charge and parenting yours when they were allowed to play independantly off adults.

HettieBettie · 19/08/2018 18:29

I do feel really sorry for the little guy being left out. That’s not aimed at you or your friends. I just feel sad for him having opportunities taken from him by his mum’s decision.
I hope he still remains friends with your son.

What a horribly awkward situation for you all.

fruitshot · 19/08/2018 18:50

I think in this situation all you can do is just be totally honest, which you have done, and leave it at that.
Her comment was said out of hurt, she will know that when she calms down.
I should imagine she is also getting grief from her son too.

Is she married? Any relationship with the dads instead of the Mum, which might help the situation?

welshmist · 19/08/2018 18:59

She cannot change imo. I know two children now off to uni. the girl said I just have to get away from my mother, she is 19 next month. The boy has no friends everyone else just got fed up with it all.

NaomiNagata · 19/08/2018 19:05

I think you did well OP! It needed to be said, and you said it in a very direct but fair way. The kids need to learn independence and little trips like that are what will do it. If she just sat off to the side then maybe you could ignore it, but she's involving herself in their games and parenting them when you have already patented them to play on their own.

Well done!

CurcubitaPepo · 19/08/2018 19:13

I think you managed this very well. I have a similar problem with a friend, only her dd is 13.

Whatsthisbear · 19/08/2018 19:19

Heartbreaking for her poor DS but he is being excluded because of her actions! What a horrible situation for you, I hope the other mum can make her see sense

museumum · 19/08/2018 19:27

I would text and say you really don’t hate her at all. But she’s sabotaging your efforts to give your son some carefully controlled age-appropriate independence and that’s not ok.

PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 19:51

In understand your frustration here but could there be something behind her anxieties that you don't know about? An ex partner who is a threat for example? It seems OTT but there could be a very good reason for the way she is.

whiteroseredrose · 19/08/2018 20:12

An overreaction on her part. She had to be told though. It's undermining your parenting.

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