One parent different from the rest

[Knitjob]

Ds is 10 and has been part of a group of 5 kids who have been pals for a long time. Over time it's become clear that one parent has very different opinions on giving her son freedom compared to all the rest. 4 of the boys are allowed to do a lot of things independently but one boy is not.

This has caused a few problems over the years. Either boy x misses out or his mum tags along. Everyone else is finding this very frustrating. We have all known each other for years, there are no additional needs to consider, just a mum who feels differently to the rest of us.

She is entitled to feel differently, that's not the issue. But when it interferes with our parenting decisions it's very annoying.

This summer for the first time we let the boys go swimming alone. You are allowed to do this from age 8 in our local pool. The boys are now 10. The plan was I would drop them off, make sure they got their tickets ok, once I saw them in the water I would go to the cafe in the pool, but not in view, and I would tell them when time was up. 4 parents quite happy with this, one parent not happy. Put great pressure on the other 4 to change their minds. When we said no, she went into the pool with her son and proceeded to 'supervise' all the kids, telling them how to play. Not quite the independent swimming they had been looking forward to.

She has accompanied them to the the sweetie shop, to an organised activity in the local library, you name it. The other boys have started saying "don't tell x or his mum will want to come". l don't blame them.

I (being possibly the most tactful of the group) have tried to say that sometimes the other parents feel that we want our kids to have some independent time. It's good for them. She did not take it well.

Today 2 boys came to the door to see if my son wanted to go to the park to play football. I said fine. The did not go in for x. Somehow his mum found out they were there and messaged me asking why they hadn't come in for him. I replied saying "I think they wanted some time at the park without an adult to be honest. Sorry. I'll tell them to come round when they're done, it looks like it's about to rain anyway." She went to the park and proceeded to supervise their football game. The other boys came home 10 minutes later unimpressed because she turned up. So now 3 boys are playing football in my garden and one is presumably at the park, upset at having been left behind, with his mum.

Another parent has really run out of patience now and is about to lose her temper I think. Are we (And our sons) being terrible friends? Or are we right to feel this one woman is controlling all of our choices? I don't want to upset anyone but I want my son to be able to go to the park with his friends for half an hour without her joining in all the time.

I know I am going to end up having to try and smooth things over when friend2 has said her piece. I don't want us all to fall out but I'm thinking it's maybe inevitable. Or the mum is going to be knocking on my door any minute now wondering why all the others went home. I think I'll hide under the bed. Seems like the most mature course of action.

Don't text her further. You've said the right things and that is all you can do.

Same as DamsonGin. I'm also curious if anyone has asked her why she feels she needs to supervise?

You've handled a difficult situation very well and been very restrained.

You are happy for your son to have age appropriate unsupervised time away from adults - she isn't happy for her son to have the same - that's her prerogative but does not give her the right to start bustling in on your son and his friend's' precious time together away. Completely inappropriate behaviour.

I would say of course you don't hate her and that the other boys want her son to join them but this time is time away from the watchful eyes of parents and therefore she has no right to go bustling in on their time together.

I feel sorry for her son though - he's going to get excluded through no fault of his own - poor kid.

I wouldn't let my 11 year old go swimming with friends without me. I agree with the other mum. Just because your dcs have the understanding how to be safe and conduct themselves without adults doesn't mean this one boy does. I think you should stop judging her and support her decision instead

The OP is supporting the mother's decision - she is is not forcing this boy to go out with the others unsupervised, what she is (quite rightly) objecting to is this mother not respecting or supporting the OP's decision to make parental decisions about her own child by bustling in where she is both not needed or wanted.

@ScrambledMeg
Maybe she cares for the other boys too?

She could care from a distance, like their parents.

That's a difficult one. There is no way on earth I would have let my 10 year old DS go swimming alone. I think out of kindness for the child, you need to be a bit accommodating.

BTW I find that lesser protective parents are VERY judgey about overprotective parents. It's not really fair to do this.

No one is being judgy mythical chicken, it’s just not up to this other mother to interfere in the independence the boys have been given. I think people sometimes feel judged on their style of parenting if they are not super confidant in it but the reality is that no one is judging (i and most others couldn’t care less how anyone else parents). However I do care (not judge, care) if the way you parent impacts upon the way I want to parent.

I think you've done the right thing telling her.

Shes not being judgey. She doesnt want the parent interfering with their parenting which is perfectly understandable.

This parent needs ro realise that! She cannot simply home in on the boys group having time out and interfere. They dont want her around and she's not their Mum so she shouldn't be.

If she doesnt want her son to join in on those terms, at aged 10, thats her perogative.

I agree with @NewYearNewMe18 that paragraph needs to be pointed out to her. I'm a helicopter parent of sorts but I'd let them play whilst I was close by with a coffee and book/phone at that age

The OP is not judging the protective parent though. She's not expecting them to change their ways. Simply she wants her decision to be honoured, if the Protective parent is not happy with her son playing/swimming alone then that child cannot be involved in those unsupervised activities. However she's choosing to invite herself along and interfere with the other arrangements made by the other parents.

Whether the OP agrees with the parenting style or not she's not undermining it the way the protective parent is the OPs parenting style. That's what's not fair.

It’s very tricky as it’s not on really to question her style of parenting, which is what this is about

Maybe send her a link to the sitcom Sorry

Joke

I feel sorry for her kid

I feel sorry for the boy who is being excluded because his mum, for whatever reason, feels she needs to be with him at these activities. My 11 year old isn't allowed to do those things alone. It's incredibly mean for the other boys to run off if the boy and his mum turn up. Is she actively supervising them all or is she just supervising her son? How is it possible to tell?

I guess if the kids come back saying 'X's mum kept telling us what to do' then that's a clue.... they are old enough that they could give concrete examples if asked, I'm sure, and op has known the other parent for long enough that she'll know the sort of behaviour they mean. We all know how our friends parent, I think.

Poor kid. I know a mum like this. DD was arranging a meal out for her 17th birthday and the mum kept texting me asking about the arrangements. I replied saying I knew very little about it as they were 17!!! Not 7. I didn't actually put the last bit but I was tempted.

Loads more texts, the final one being "I'll be picking him up no later than 11pm as he has work in the morning"

I'm probably that mum. But I think it depends where you live. I'm in a city outside of London, and I'm not particularly looking forward to DD starting secondary school as she has to walk without an adult with her friends.
I think it's the same thing, we all parent differently, we all have our own comfort zone when it comes to any milestone.
I think the parent about to lose her temper needs to stop, and perhaps explain to the boys that some times parents worry more than others. Perhaps if they all behave well around her, she will feel more comfortable leaving her son in their company?
Elsewise I think adults are going to cause a division in the group by lacking respect for the mum and her concerns.

What a tricky situation. DS is 12 and I know that he and his pals really love getting age appropriate independence and we've built gradually on that so that now he's starting senior school in a few weeks, he's perfectly capable of getting a bus and being on his own for a bit. Oh and DS is an only so can we please leave off with the only child = helicopter parent comments that some have made.

Other DM is not helping her DS. Definitely stay out of it for now, but sadly if she doesn't learn to back off then it's her DS that will suffer by not getting the invites. Someone- if they were feeding kind- could explain that if she feels she has to be there, then she needs to not interfere with what is going on and at least hide in the cafe or corner of the park rather than taking over what is happening.

I got frustrated reading that especially her spoiling ops child free afternoon- too annoying. People that inflict their neuroses on others are never going to be popular.

As a teen one lovely friend in our group had a weird mum. She refused to ever gift lifts (we were rural) despite having 2 cars and being a confident driver meaning the other parents had to pick up the slack.

theonlylivingmum - why do they need to respect other DMs concerns and let her spoil their football game or swimming session ?
it's perfectly healthy for them to run their football session how they wish and they need to learn the life skill of managing their own emotions and reactions to others without an adult taking over.

Clue is that 4 out of 5 sets of parents feel they are handling this appropriately. other DM doesn't- fine - the answer is she stops her DS participating not that the other DSs give up their independence and spend their free time mollifying and pacifying an adult to keep the peace.

Oh and I have a 12 year old we were told by school to ramp up the independence as they walk to secondary and it's more dangerous having kids who've never been allowed out unaccompanied suddenly doing a mile walk twice a day. So she's not doing him any favours on the safety front let alone socially. Disastrous parenting.

I don’t think I’d let my ten year old go swimming alone either tbh. 11/12 maybe but 10 seems too young and I’m astonished the pool allows eight year olds to swim unaccompanied .

I feel sorry for her DS though, through her parenting he is about to be excluded from his entire friendship group. That is the point where she must surely realise she needs to relax.

Just to be clear, I am not judging her parenting. She is a nice person, she is raising a nice, kind boy. Her approach to parenting on one particular issue is making life difficult right now because it is so different to everyone else.

Why is she like this? Who knows. He's an only child, she doesn't work or have many interests separate from him. She's always liked to keep him close. She has 'joked' in conversation many times about getting a dog so she has an excuse to walk with him to high school.

She definitely gets involved in their playing, always has done. Suggests things they could do, tells them off for being rough or loud, for splashing in the pool, suggests they practise football drills when they just want to run around kicking the ball, suggests they run a 'circuit' of the swing park and she will time them when they just want to play. And before anyone says anything about the boys being rough or loud, they are neither particularly.

I don't honestly think there is anything I can do here. She is not going to change. The kids have had enough of her. They are not going to hang around if she is there. It's a shame but there you go.

My other friend did indeed text her last night and asked her to stay away from her boy when he is out playing by himself. Which is quite blunt but maybe necessary. She hasn't had a reply.

The fact this Mum knows the boys is a red herring imo.
Our local pool is full of unsupervised children aged 8-12 ish most days of the holidays and at weekends. There are older children but not so many as they tend to use the beach!

Some parents arrive with their child.

That's fine.

What wouldn't be ok is if that parent started telling the other children in the pool - that their child has joined in playing with - what to do.

Any decent parent steps back and intervenes with their child if needs me. Because it's their child that has the difficulties of its their child who can't be left alone.

There is nothing more you can do, but please keep an ear open for how the other boys discuss their friend over the next year or two. It’s easy for the mindset to go from irritation at interference from the mother to making jokes and teasing, then mocking the boy. It’s not his fault.
She’s may grow out of it as he grows up and starts to rebel, but speaking from experience, it’s a long and tricky road for everyone else. Especially if they are trying to be supportive of all involved.

10 year olds (barring SN etc) are perfectly capable of playing in a swimming pool with lifeguards supervising. I don't understand why other people think that is too young.