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Original poster

One parent different from the rest

112 replies

Knitjob · 19/08/2018 16:31

Ds is 10 and has been part of a group of 5 kids who have been pals for a long time. Over time it's become clear that one parent has very different opinions on giving her son freedom compared to all the rest. 4 of the boys are allowed to do a lot of things independently but one boy is not.

This has caused a few problems over the years. Either boy x misses out or his mum tags along. Everyone else is finding this very frustrating. We have all known each other for years, there are no additional needs to consider, just a mum who feels differently to the rest of us.

She is entitled to feel differently, that's not the issue. But when it interferes with our parenting decisions it's very annoying.

This summer for the first time we let the boys go swimming alone. You are allowed to do this from age 8 in our local pool. The boys are now 10. The plan was I would drop them off, make sure they got their tickets ok, once I saw them in the water I would go to the cafe in the pool, but not in view, and I would tell them when time was up. 4 parents quite happy with this, one parent not happy. Put great pressure on the other 4 to change their minds. When we said no, she went into the pool with her son and proceeded to 'supervise' all the kids, telling them how to play. Not quite the independent swimming they had been looking forward to.

She has accompanied them to the the sweetie shop, to an organised activity in the local library, you name it. The other boys have started saying "don't tell x or his mum will want to come". l don't blame them.

I (being possibly the most tactful of the group) have tried to say that sometimes the other parents feel that we want our kids to have some independent time. It's good for them. She did not take it well.

Today 2 boys came to the door to see if my son wanted to go to the park to play football. I said fine. The did not go in for x. Somehow his mum found out they were there and messaged me asking why they hadn't come in for him. I replied saying "I think they wanted some time at the park without an adult to be honest. Sorry. I'll tell them to come round when they're done, it looks like it's about to rain anyway." She went to the park and proceeded to supervise their football game. The other boys came home 10 minutes later unimpressed because she turned up. So now 3 boys are playing football in my garden and one is presumably at the park, upset at having been left behind, with his mum.

Another parent has really run out of patience now and is about to lose her temper I think. Are we (And our sons) being terrible friends? Or are we right to feel this one woman is controlling all of our choices? I don't want to upset anyone but I want my son to be able to go to the park with his friends for half an hour without her joining in all the time.

I know I am going to end up having to try and smooth things over when friend2 has said her piece. I don't want us all to fall out but I'm thinking it's maybe inevitable. Or the mum is going to be knocking on my door any minute now wondering why all the others went home. I think I'll hide under the bed. Seems like the most mature course of action.

OP posts:
CloudCaptain · 19/08/2018 20:21

The only reason I can think for her to do this is that the kids aren't playing nicely together. Is there some bullying? Otherwise yanbu. She is being very controlling.

PrueDent · 19/08/2018 20:38

It needs to be pointed out to her that everyone gets to choose how to parent, within the limits of society.

You, and 3 other sets of parents choose to allow your 10 year olds the freedom to express themselves by playing unaccompanied. You choose to allow them to expand their boundaries by experiencing new freedoms. You allow them to develop their responsibility and your trust in them by allowing them time without adults on condition that they behave within certain guidelines and return by an agreed time.

She chooses not to extend these freedoms to her child. Which is fine, no one says she has to.

But, when she allows her ds to join the rest of the group under her conditions of constant supervision (and interference!) she removes the freedoms and the bond of trust which the rest of you have issued to your children.

So your children then make a choice, which they are free to do. They choose not to remain in the situation where they are made to feel like little children who can't be trusted. They choose to remove themselves from this situation and go somewhere they can have the freedom their parents want them to have.

They do not choose to leave the other child alone; they choose to play somewhere where the other child's mother does not observe their every move, overhear their every word and involve herself in their personal development.

Sometimes they choose not to include the other child knowing their annoyance of his mother would be apparent and cause a rift within the group. So sometimes the choose to do an activity without him, rather than an activity where they find his overprotective parent an irritant.

Can you text or email her something along those lines, letting her know that she is overruling your parenting choices when she shadows her ds constantly.

And I wouldn't worry too much about the adult friendship group. At this age the children become so much more independent that group involvement of parents becomes much leas of a thing. Next year they'll be in secondary school, with a whole new friend set.

bubbles108 · 19/08/2018 20:42

It is not ok for her to turn up and start supervising 4 other kids whose parents have chosen to let them go alone

This

She can do her thing with her son, but NOT let her thing impinge on the other boys

Interested in this thread?

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10 year olds
Oblomov18 · 19/08/2018 20:43

Her saying ' you all hate me' is her playing her trump card and is NOT what you said.
This is her manipulating the situation.

Reaa · 19/08/2018 20:48

Is he an only child? Perhaps, she is just not excepting, of the fact he is growing up and she scared to actually let him have a bit of freedom as it would feel like her little boy no longer needs her.

MalloryLaurel · 19/08/2018 20:52

I wouldn't let my 11 year old go swimming with friends without me. I agree with the other mum. Just because your dcs have the understanding how to be safe and conduct themselves without adults doesn't mean this one boy does. I think you should stop judging her and support her decision instead.

Original poster
Knitjob · 19/08/2018 20:53

I'm not aware of any background issues. She is married to the boys dad although I only know him in the passing. I've met her mum and some of her wider family.
I do think she has a tendency towards control freakery anyway so I think it's that really. And a bit of worrying about her only son growing up and away from her.

But you know, whatever her reasons, it's not ok.

I haven't heard from our other friend this evening so I don't know if she said anything in the end.

OP posts:
ReachOutAndTouchDave · 19/08/2018 20:54

I have a friend who is very similar and won't let her son who is about to go into year 9 walk to school on his own. Her daughter however has railed against this kind of hovering and insisted that she be allowed to walk to school (year 6) with friends. When my Dd and her friends arrange go to the shop after school they do so on their own unless they tell this other girl. Then the mum goes and supervises and tuts at their sweet choices.

It does become problematic because the kids wont bother to invite the kids of the hovering mum because of it.

No advice, especially now she's got the hump but I sympathise. Unfortunately they'll drift apart unless her child rails against her a bit.

NynaeveSedai · 19/08/2018 21:08

@mallorylaurel they do respect her right to parent how she chooses. Her son doesn't have to go swimming unsupervised. But she turns up and supervises all the other children (whose parents have agreed they can swim unsupervised) so she is interfering with their parenting choices.

welshmist · 19/08/2018 22:27

MalloryLaurel
I wouldn't let my 11 year old go swimming with friends without me. I agree with the other mum. Just because your dcs have the understanding how to be safe and conduct themselves without adults doesn't mean this one boy does. I think you should stop judging her and support her decision instead.*

The OP was in the pool building if anything went wrong, I do not think you are supposed to jump in and save them that is what the lifeguard is for. Grin

BrieAndChilli · 19/08/2018 22:37

It’s the actual interfering with the boys that’s the main problem, if she had gone swimming but kept to a distance and just down lengths by her self and gone to the park but sat and read a book a distance away from them then I would say that would be fine if she has anxiety about her son being out and about on his own. But to start getting involved in the actual play /activities then she is going too far

MyOtherProfile · 19/08/2018 22:46

I wouldn't let my 11 year old go swimming with friends without me
Even if one of the mums is in the cafe waiting for them? Thats been a life saver for me at times this holiday, giving me a little breather with my book and a coffee.

HSMMaCM · 19/08/2018 22:57

So 4 mums don't get on with mum 5 and 4 boys don't want to play with boy 5. Sadly I think boy 5 is no longer part of the friendship group. His mum is fine not to want to give him his independence yet and probably has her own reasons, but it's going to cost him his friends.

ScrambledMeg · 19/08/2018 23:08

I'm going against the grain and seeing it from a different perspective.
She may consider that some of the boys in the group are not yet capable of making the correct decisions or that her own son isn't or could be led by a group mentality into doing foolish things. She may see your 'relaxed' parenting as neglectful. She may suffer with concealed anxiety which means she cannot relax as easily as you. Maybe your son's aren't the angels you consider them to be?
Personally I think 10 is on the young side to swim alone even with a group.

welshmist · 19/08/2018 23:11

What a sad world we live in. When I was ten and brother 8, we and our friends would go off on our bikes no-one worried, traffic was light on the estate during the day and we could go down to the village, we walked to school with just each other for company. Now traffic is horrendous, you read awful stories in the press. And we wonder why they spend so much time on the computer.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/08/2018 23:15

Meg, even if she was right on all those things (and I am a cautious parent too, so I do sympathise to an extent), she still can't go around interfearing in the choices that other parents have made for their own children and not expect those parents/kids to get annoyed with her.
If my children had permission from me to fo something and another adult disagreed and intervened, I and my children would not be at all happy.

Jamiesmothergoose · 19/08/2018 23:16

I had to stay in hospital for a week after giving birth, I was running out of supplies so I asked my husband to go home and pick things up, mainly knickers. When he returned with the supplies I asked for my Bridget Jones knickers because of my second degree tear having just birthed a 9lbs baby. He passed me a handful of thongs actually thinking they would be appropriate. Am I being unreasonable if I don’t let this drop until my baby is 18?

ScrambledMeg · 19/08/2018 23:27

Maybe she cares for the other boys too?
I dont know... I just think that whatever your perspective this thread really comes across as "my parenting is better than hers" and with no attempt at empathy.

Yupindeedy · 19/08/2018 23:28

Wrong thread @Jamiesmothergoose ?Grin

ATownCalledAlicia · 19/08/2018 23:36

The boys weren't swimming alone though? They were in a pool presumably with lifeguards. If it was a local lake or stream this would be very different.

Also a park? Unless they have to cross roads unsafely I would hope they could manage this too at 10.

My child is 8 and I'm starting to give him a little more independence. We live in a big city. He's got to learn slowly otherwise at 11 he will be clueless going off to secondary school.

Kokeshi123 · 19/08/2018 23:38

Maybe she cares for the other boys too?

I think the problem is that having any parents there changes the dynamic of the group. Children behave differently and resolve conflicts differently when there are no parents on the scene, and it's good for them.

ImNotAsGreenasImCabbageLooking · 19/08/2018 23:38

I just think that whatever your perspective this thread really comes across as "my parenting is better than hers" and with no attempt at empathy

I don't think that's fair at all scrambledMeg The Op has been very clear that she respects the other mums choices and doesn't at all suggest that her parenting is better!

The fact is our parenting choices have consequences, some unintended and unanticipated and in this case the other mum is out of sync with the majority (in that friendship group) which is resulting in a noticeable "split" in the group. The mum is perfectly entitled to stick to her guns but the consequence is that it creates distance between her son and the other boys. That's her choice and the other parents aren't obliged to go against their own judgment to suit her.

DamsonGin · 19/08/2018 23:39

Not that I think you've handled this wrong, OP, but I'm curious whether anyone has actually asked her why she might feel the need to be so involved?

Must be fairly shit to be the left out boy at the moment, I hope it gets resolved.

onedayonedaymaybe · 19/08/2018 23:41

It's not up to the boys mother to make decisions for the other boys though no matter if she does care for them. 4/5 parents trust the boys to have a little bit of independence and the other mother needs to respect this. It will be sad if a friendship ends because of this but it is life.

MyOtherProfile · 20/08/2018 04:29

Did your friend speak with her?