One parent different from the rest

[Knitjob]

Ds is 10 and has been part of a group of 5 kids who have been pals for a long time. Over time it's become clear that one parent has very different opinions on giving her son freedom compared to all the rest. 4 of the boys are allowed to do a lot of things independently but one boy is not.

This has caused a few problems over the years. Either boy x misses out or his mum tags along. Everyone else is finding this very frustrating. We have all known each other for years, there are no additional needs to consider, just a mum who feels differently to the rest of us.

She is entitled to feel differently, that's not the issue. But when it interferes with our parenting decisions it's very annoying.

This summer for the first time we let the boys go swimming alone. You are allowed to do this from age 8 in our local pool. The boys are now 10. The plan was I would drop them off, make sure they got their tickets ok, once I saw them in the water I would go to the cafe in the pool, but not in view, and I would tell them when time was up. 4 parents quite happy with this, one parent not happy. Put great pressure on the other 4 to change their minds. When we said no, she went into the pool with her son and proceeded to 'supervise' all the kids, telling them how to play. Not quite the independent swimming they had been looking forward to.

She has accompanied them to the the sweetie shop, to an organised activity in the local library, you name it. The other boys have started saying "don't tell x or his mum will want to come". l don't blame them.

I (being possibly the most tactful of the group) have tried to say that sometimes the other parents feel that we want our kids to have some independent time. It's good for them. She did not take it well.

Today 2 boys came to the door to see if my son wanted to go to the park to play football. I said fine. The did not go in for x. Somehow his mum found out they were there and messaged me asking why they hadn't come in for him. I replied saying "I think they wanted some time at the park without an adult to be honest. Sorry. I'll tell them to come round when they're done, it looks like it's about to rain anyway." She went to the park and proceeded to supervise their football game. The other boys came home 10 minutes later unimpressed because she turned up. So now 3 boys are playing football in my garden and one is presumably at the park, upset at having been left behind, with his mum.

Another parent has really run out of patience now and is about to lose her temper I think. Are we (And our sons) being terrible friends? Or are we right to feel this one woman is controlling all of our choices? I don't want to upset anyone but I want my son to be able to go to the park with his friends for half an hour without her joining in all the time.

I know I am going to end up having to try and smooth things over when friend2 has said her piece. I don't want us all to fall out but I'm thinking it's maybe inevitable. Or the mum is going to be knocking on my door any minute now wondering why all the others went home. I think I'll hide under the bed. Seems like the most mature course of action.

OP Maybe you should encourage her to get a dog. Would keep her busy and give her an outlet for her emotions as her DS attempts to grow up.

She sounds horribly controlling. Good for other DM for being blunt, sadly it's her DS that will likely pay the price.

She has to let him grow up. There are 10yos in year 6 who walk to and from school.

I think there are a few too many PP's being unfair towards the OP and the kids here. I've not picked up on any judging from OP, just that she whilst she respects Mum X's parenting style, she wishes Mum X would indeed show the same respect to the parenting of the other mums; when the kids are being given more independence than she is comfortable with giving to her son, then perhaps she should keep her son out of those specific activities.
I also don't think it's fair to keep pointing out how rude the boys were for running off from the park. Granted it wasn't the most polite thing to do, but Mum X was being rude first by interfering and therefore changing the dynamic of their playtime together.
My younger sisters had a friend with a parent like this, and even now (going into yr 11) the Mum insists on being very involved in her daughter's social life and activities, so the poor girl has gradually been excluded from friendship groups because the other girls got to the point where they'd choose not to invite the girl as they said "she won't be allowed or her mum will insist on coming with us".
Apparently though it appears the girl has had enough, because over the summer she seems to have started rebelling against it and has been sneaking out late at night or making plans with friends and then pretending to her mum she is just going to the corner shop, only to go off to town for the whole day instead and ignore her mum's calls. Far from ideal obviously, but I think for a 15 year old girl it's the own way she feels she can get some independence from her mum.

Yanbu at all you've handled it extremely well. I don't know what else you can do here, but soon the kids will be back at school and hopefully it will be less of an issue. As pp said, all you can do is make sure your son isn't mean to child x as a result as I do feel a bit sorry for him and I bet he is mortified by the whole situation.

From what I can see the problem isn’t this mother wanting to keep an eye on her child, so much as her actively supervising and running the boys games. I bet if she’d sat in the park at a discreet distance ostensibly reading a book the other boys wouldn’t have left. This would have been a decent compromise but sadly I think it’s too late for that.

Just to add I have a 10 year old only child who has plenty of age appropriate freedom. Not all mothers of onlys are panicky Petunias who helicopter their children until they leave Home out of sheer desperation.

Is the boy significantly younger than the other boys? Eg August birthday and only just 10 and the others nearly 11? Is he an only child and others are second or thirds?
I only ask as my DD is young in the year and many of her friends are second kids and older in school year so parents are slightly more relaxed about certain freedoms than I am. It's taken me a little longer to get to the same place that others are already at.

I agree that the supervising other kids and general interference is not on but maybe she is finding it hard to judge her own child's maturity and readiness for independence because of the above differences?

As PP have said; She needs it spelt out that she is undermining your parenting decisions and you are actually working towards helping your children be independent ready for secondary school and beyond. If they have small freedoms now in slow stages they are more likely to make sensible and safe decisions going forwards.
I think you and the others are going about it the right way btw with the activities the kids are allowed to do and the level of parental supervision eg having an adult nearby in pool but no interaction.

Why is she like this? Who knows.

Well, she does. So why don't you ask her? Invite her over for coffee without the kids or go and sit with her in the park whilst they play. It could be 1001 things ranging from once nearly losing her Ds, or a friend of hers died or was in an accident in a similar situation to her just not ready for him to grow up. The point is, you will never know unless you ask and if you really are friends, why don't you have a conversation about it?

BigSandy - that was my Mum. Except we didn't have texting back in those days, and I had several times friends tell me that their mothers told them to tell me to tell my mother to stop calling them... Like that worked. And yeah, I didn't have many friends. And, well, none that I did anything with outside of school, because that simply wasn't allowed. (the phone calls would be about school-activity trips).

And as soon as I could support myself I left home and never came back, and shared the absolute bare minimum with my parents.

OP, I think you're doing the right thing - I don't know if she's going be able to distinguish the difference between 'interfering' and 'observing' since she doesn't seem to do the latter. I feel for the boy, but you have to look after your child.

I see your point of view completely.

After the other mothers initial response and childish strop I don't really see that op is obliged to crawl to her for more of the same. If the other mum has a genuine reason for her behaviour it's up to her to explain it in an adult manner, not op to tread on eggshells.

One of dd's friends has an sn that isn't always obvious, but in reality she needs supervision more in line with an 8/9 yr old, rather than that of a mid teen. The mother has never felt the need to plonk herself amongst them in the cinema, or stalk them round primark or gatecrash their bowling etc. She just let's the other parents know that her dd's needs mean she needs to be around the foyer, or that the late teen sister will also need to be somewhere else in/ near primark etc.

As is the case for any parent with a genuine reason for being there.

I'd give it another try for the poor kids sake, but certainly not from the pov that I needed to be more considerate of the parent after her rude outburst.

I feel a bit sorry for her, as it is horrible to feel out-of-step with other parents.

I was the child with the slightly odd, out-of-step parents and thankfully a) my friends were generally kind to me and accepted the slightly random restrictions as they liked me and wanted to hang out with my anyway b) my friends parents were kind enough to fill in the gaps with what my parents couldn't or wouldn't do - mostly giving lifts.

One parent was just unwilling and thought that I shouldn't be doing activities . My other parent couldn't drive for health reasons but was also quite protective/anxious.

It was only recently that I made the link between their slight overprotectiveness and them having been a witness to a fatal pedestrian accident many years before.

I think that all hangs on how you, as a friendship group, choose to handle this. You can choose to handle this kindly or cruelly, really.

Not read the whole thread

The boy is the one who will lose out
My mum was like this. Wasn’t allowed anywhere. She would come if she fancied it if not I had to stay home. People simply stoped asking me anywhere as they knew I wouldn’t be allowed . She even walked me to and from secondary school for the first couple of years. I got the piss taken no end . Suffocating and overbearing