Suitable punishments for a 5 year old please

[FruitCider]

My 5 year olds behaviour has deteriorated since they started school and there was an incident which I won't go into details about but if left my child very distressed.

We have been supportive and empathic but my child's behaviour has escalated so far they are:
Spitting
Swearing
Biting
Scratching
Hitting
Screaming

Time out no longer works. When we send them to their room or put them in time out they laugh and run downstairs again.

Rewards charts improve good behaviour but don't stop bad behaviour.

Their behaviour is literally destroying our relationship. I literally can't cope anymore and DP is threatening to leave as neither can he!

Help!!!!

Is it possible your child is overwhelmed and frightened at school to behave like that? Do they actually need support/help? Is this out of the blue?

You probably need a child psychologist for that one. Racking my brains but no idea so far!

I'd be seeking professional help through the school. That's beyond the realms of normal behaviour management. I know you say it's been worse since starting school but how is everything at home? Where is he hearing the swear words?

My child is TERRIFIED of school! But they are now compulsory school age so have to go - home schooling is not an option as we need to work.

Child psychologist is an interesting idea, I could probably afford to pay for an assessment quite quickly.

I know you say it's been worse since starting school but how is everything at home? Where is he hearing the swear words

Certainly not from us! They didn't swear before starting school.

If you think the behaviour is a result of trauma then punishing isn't going to help and may be counter productive. I recommend you get a copy of the book the explosive child. And yes possibly look for a child psychologist who can help with things like play therapy. If you can afford it go private. The NHS waiting list is very long.

Was the incident at school? Poor kid, something is clearly not right at all.

Yeah the incident was at school, I tried to post about it but because of the nature of the incident I was accused of being a troll and the post was taken down

Punishing behaviour that is the result of a trauma is not only counter productive it’s really unfair too.

Have you looked into counselling or possibly play therapy due to their age?

Please don’t punish a reaction to trauma, it could make things worse!

Did the school react properly to the incident? If not, why not?

Is moving school an option?

It sounds like your child is having a really hard time at school, and is desperately trying to process something that they can’t cope with.

I’m not sure that punishing a child who is acting up because of a previous trauma is s good idea. You’ll only create more anxiety
Get professional help. Can you change schools?

Fucking hell, no way would my kid be going back to that school.

Oh my gosh. If money isn't a massive issue (and your comment about an ed psych suggests it isn't), could you withdraw him from for school - even temporarily - and place him with childcare until you get this incident resolved or find a new school? He sounds traumatised.

I agree the trauma needs looking at more but are people seriously suggesting that I let my 5 year old attack me? My 5 year old knows their behaviour is wrong. Recognising trauma and accepting undesirable behaviour is 2 completely different things.

Not when they’re caused by the same thing.

Are you seriously prioritising work over your child’s wellbeing?

A traumatised child can not articulate their feelings, and you’re proposing punishing that?

Either the trauma wasn’t as bad as you’re implying, or it was and you’re not understanding the impact it’s had on your child.

could you withdraw him from for school - even temporarily - and place him with childcare until you get this incident resolved or find a new school

If I could afford that my child would be in private school.

There isn't another school they can go to so moving isnt an option.

Oh, this is awful for you all.

Has the school been any good about the incident? Is there anything they can do like moving him to a different class to try to make it less terrifying? Is s complete school move impossible?

I agree with pp that play therapy would be worth looking into but if he's having to back in every day to a situation that terrifies him that's tricky.

Oh give over ye, you know it isn’t that simple.

OP, never mind the troll hunters, what happened at school? Sexual?

Honestly, if they’re that traumatised by school and moving school isn’t an option I’d be looking into moving house.

Are you seriously prioritising work over your child’s wellbeing?

You mean am I prioritising paying my household bills? Well, yes. Nothing wrong with prioritising keeping a roof over your head

I actually work 2 days during the week and quite often taken them in late or stay with them in class if they are unsettled.

Oh give over ye, you know it isn’t that simple

Aye ok then, a 5 yo has to suck up trauma and then be punished for reacting to that at home?

It’s not me that needs to “give over”

Nothing wrong with prioritising keeping a roof over your head

No there isn’t, but when you’re prioritising that over what you describe as severe trauma it does sound a bit

No I don't think people are suggesting that, but I don't think his issues can be resolved by 'punishment' if they are the result of some kind of trauma. I really don't know what to suggest in terms of dealing with it right now on a day to day basis. Only thing I can think of is redirecting his anger - this has worked for my kids before. Acknowleding that they are really angry but helping them find a way to let that out that doesn't involve hurting other people - giving them something to punch, like a cushion or whatever. Encouraging them to talk about how angry they feel. My son found it helpful to run round the garden or kick a football, hard, into a goal.

what happened at school? Sexual?

Yes they were attacked by another 5 year old. The school then kept them in the same class and this child continued to bully my child until the end of the year. I'm still drafting my complaint. I'm worried that this child will have access to my child unsupervised in September, but at the same time the other child is 5 so I'm worried about them too - where did they learn such behaviour from? So it's not as simple as it sounds!

Cross post about school move. In that case I'd consider moving house too, or renting somewhere just to get him into a different school.

It sounds extreme but I'd really be worried about long term effects as well as the current trauma.

No there isn’t, but when you’re prioritising that over what you describe as severe trauma it does sound a bit 

Do you not think that being homeless will increase my child's ACEs and make things more difficult?