Suitable punishments for a 5 year old please

[FruitCider]

My 5 year olds behaviour has deteriorated since they started school and there was an incident which I won't go into details about but if left my child very distressed.

We have been supportive and empathic but my child's behaviour has escalated so far they are:
Spitting
Swearing
Biting
Scratching
Hitting
Screaming

Time out no longer works. When we send them to their room or put them in time out they laugh and run downstairs again.

Rewards charts improve good behaviour but don't stop bad behaviour.

Their behaviour is literally destroying our relationship. I literally can't cope anymore and DP is threatening to leave as neither can he!

Help!!!!

And I'm sure a home ed childminder costs more money than that.

What’s a home ed child minder?

Home ed doesn’t usually follow the same philosophy as formal education. That’s the point. You aren’t only learning if you’re told you’re learning. So a normal childminder would do.

Has your partner exhausted his parental/compassionate leave entitlement? What’s he doing to fix this?

If you don’t want to home ed it isn’t the answer. I’m not sure why people think it’s a magic solution for you either OP it clearly isn’t.

I’m really saddened by this: OMG I rang social services for advice as I thought the response from the school was poor and I was completely fobbed off and told that they wouldn't deal with it because it happened during school hours 😭

I think I would ring again tbh. And request support for you me son. This is really poor of them. And not the response my friend got when going through a similar thing with her DD, like everything I suppose it’s person/area dependent.

Could you put in a flexible working request to work every Saturday and sunday and one day during the week instead?

The school has a legal duty to protect your child at school. I’d be writing to the head teacher, copied to the governors, local authority and academy group (if appropriate) and ask what their written plan is for keeping your child safe. Not being in the same class is a start but there needs to be a clear plan for breaks, joint activities etc. I’d also be asking for confirmation that they referred the matter to social services/LADO and ask for details of the child protection process they’re following.

Maybe talk to your son about what would help him feel safe at school - he may have some very practical ideas. The reason for formally following up with school is to ensure your son is safe, but also to model to him that you’ll always follow things up.

Do you or your partner get access to any counselling etc through work? We have an employee assistance programme and it extends to spouses and children. Around 8 sessions are free and it's pretty much immediate access.
It might be worth looking into.

Poor you all three. From the back story it sounds like you have a terrified defensive child who will never respond to yet more punishment. Someone else recommended National Association of Therapeutic Parenting, I would strongly second that. We are members as our adopted DC have lots of issues that need a different approach. Also I would go right now onto Amazon and buy Sarah Naish Therapeutic Parenting in a nutshell and Ato Z Therapeutic Parenting. You have to engage with your DDs emotions to bring her behaviours down. This is draining as parents which is why Natp are hot on self care, compassion fatigue, local support and a great FB group. With school you need to strongly fight to remove the source of stress, but if they don't listen, our experience is you need to find another school. 5 is too young to be written off.

Also I would say cut yourself and your partner some slack, it is so hard dealing else with this, presses buttons you didn't know you had, you get judgy stuff from onlookers who don't know the full story. Remember whose side you are on!

I got advice from NATP who have been absolutely FANTASTIC thank you everyone who suggested them.

I realise now my frustration was channeled in the wrong direction. I've wrote an email to the head outlining that my informal complaints have not worked and requesting copies of various referrals/risk assessments which should have been done but I don't think have been. I was also a bit more insistent with the safeguarding team the council. If the head gives me a lacklustre response I'll go to the board of governors etc. Thank you everyone for your patience and recognising that I am very frustrated and tired! X