Suitable punishments for a 5 year old please

[FruitCider]

My 5 year olds behaviour has deteriorated since they started school and there was an incident which I won't go into details about but if left my child very distressed.

We have been supportive and empathic but my child's behaviour has escalated so far they are:
Spitting
Swearing
Biting
Scratching
Hitting
Screaming

Time out no longer works. When we send them to their room or put them in time out they laugh and run downstairs again.

Rewards charts improve good behaviour but don't stop bad behaviour.

Their behaviour is literally destroying our relationship. I literally can't cope anymore and DP is threatening to leave as neither can he!

Help!!!!

Cross post about school move. In that case I'd consider moving house too, or renting somewhere just to get him into a different school.

It sounds extreme but I'd really be worried about long term effects as well as the current trauma

Moving house isn't really an option for other reasons eg elderly family.

I'm very worried too, I'm not sure why I hadn't considered private child psychology before, I guess I didn't realise it existed!

Would you go back to work and be beside someone who sexually attacked you every day?

Because that’s what your child has to do at the moment.

And you’re talking about punishments???

I’m out, no wonder you were called a troll last time.

Your child was sexually assaulted. That needs to be your number one priority, preventing it from happening again.

Sorry, I wrote him rather than them.

The school sounds terrible.

Would you go back to work and be beside someone who sexually attacked you every day

That's exactly what I said to my child's teacher! She just looked down at the floor.

Why is you’re first instinct to punish the behaviour that is clearly a reaction to trauma?
Why don’t you get help for your child; no wonder people thought you were a troll
I’m not convinced you aren’t.

Acknowleding that they are really angry but helping them find a way to let that out that doesn't involve hurting other people - giving them something to punch, like a cushion or whatever. Encouraging them to talk about how angry they feel. My son found it helpful to run round the garden or kick a football, hard, into a goal.

Thanks Eric this is really helpful!

And yet.....

You’ve given work and elderly family as a reason not to move, not to take your child out of school.

Basically you want to find a way to get your child not to act out, when they’re in school beside the child who sexually attacked them and traumatised them.

School aren’t protecting them. So you need to.

Why is you’re first instinct to punish the behaviour that is clearly a reaction to trauma?
Why don’t you get help for your child

Can you not see that I'm a desperate Mum desperate to try anything because my family cannot cope? I need the behaviour modified QUICKLY. Because if my partner and I split up things will get far worse for our child but WE cannot cope. WE are at breaking point!

Okay, biggest thing is dealing with the school, complain to governors. You want that child in a different class and assurances that there will be close supervision at break times. A child who has sexually assaulted another kid sounds like they need 1:1 support.

Yes, yours may well need psychological help, too and no, you don’t need to suffer poor behaviour. Give him lots of positive attention and persevere with time outs/stopping positive attention when he kicks off. If he melts down it’s time for bed. Very best of luck, it sounds horrendous!

Would your elderly family really want you to keep your DC in this situation because of them? I can't imagine they would. I know having carers in is tough but it's not as tough as what your DC is living through.

Did you report the assault to ss? The school sounds awful so I wouldn't assume they have. They might be able to point you to therapists who are experienced in handling the aftermath of CSA. Since you've said what it is, I think you're going to need a specialist to help..

You’ve given work and elderly family as a reason not to move, not to take your child out of school

I'm in social housing, took us 4 years to get this place. We live in a notoriously expensive city, we cannot afford to private rent. It's noting about work - I work 20 miles away from my house. We have some spare cash right now but that would disappear quickly if one of us gave up work. We live 20 miles away from FIL (opposite direction to work) already. If we cannot afford to go private how would you suggest we move?

Ye,I am totally against punishments in this scenario to and I think OP posted in desperation.

However. Heckling her in the way you are is NOT helpful.

If someone said to me ‘you need to move’ - with 2 weeks to go until most schools go back - I couldn’t.

We couldn’t afford to rent somewhere (deposits)

We wouldn’t sell the house in time.

We just couldn’t do it.

However, op, is there really only this one school?

Okay, biggest thing is dealing with the school, complain to governors. You want that child in a different class and assurances that there will be close supervision at break times. A child who has sexually assaulted another kid sounds like they need 1:1 support.

They will be in different classes in September however I'm worried about break times! Thank you x

I couldn’t afford to go into private either!

OK, so aren’t there other primary schools? Must be?

However, op, is there really only this one school

Yes for now, they are on 2 waiting lists though.

Does your housing association do house swaps?

You’re the one who needs reporting, Ye

Your aggression and belligerence towards a woman needing support are disgraceful.

Does your housing association do house swaps

We are on homeswapper, it's notoriously difficult to arrange anything though, people with 2 bed houses don't want to move and people with 3 bed houses don't want to downsize so we are a bit stuck.

Is the behaviour the same during the school holidays? I assume you're on the long summer break like most of us now, and it's only a couple of weeks until school starts again. I would certainly go to the governors if your child is being made to remain in the same class as the child who attacked them, and then on to Ofsted if they aren't helpful. It's a safeguarding issue and your child needs to feel safe at school and needs to feel that you have their back - very difficult, I appreciate, when they are attacking you, spitting and biting.

You could even speak to a GP and try and access some help for your son that way. If not, a private appointment with a child psychologist might be helpful. I don't think there will necessarily be a quick solution to such difficult behaviour but maybe you'll all feel better once you get a plan in place.

But they are now compulsory school age so have to go - home schooling is not an option as we need to work.

Plenty of home educators work.

You will be entitled to parental leave, compassionate leave or at least holidays. Take time off work ideally the firdt fortnight of term and get this sorted.
Email the class teacher, head teacher, head of department of both education, chold services and social services within your local authority/council and demand this is dealt with immediately. Inform them your child will not be present at school due to sexual harassment or bullying and do not send your child in to school alone. Enter school with your child every morning and ask what measures are in place to protect your child for that day. If nothing, then either stay with your child in the classroom for the day in defence of your child, or remove your child and take them home. Repeat every day and email the same people as per the original email every evening to update them

If you have a fortnight off school and do this each day I think you will have some result within a fortnight.

Do not give up. Be persistent and consistent.

Op has already said she couldn't afford childcare on the days she works though Titty.