Suitable punishments for a 5 year old please

[FruitCider]

My 5 year olds behaviour has deteriorated since they started school and there was an incident which I won't go into details about but if left my child very distressed.

We have been supportive and empathic but my child's behaviour has escalated so far they are:
Spitting
Swearing
Biting
Scratching
Hitting
Screaming

Time out no longer works. When we send them to their room or put them in time out they laugh and run downstairs again.

Rewards charts improve good behaviour but don't stop bad behaviour.

Their behaviour is literally destroying our relationship. I literally can't cope anymore and DP is threatening to leave as neither can he!

Help!!!!

There must be another state primary you could move your child to op?

You do need to tell your dh to toughen up, having kids can be a tough ride and as he is the adult in this situation, he shouldn't be threatening to walk out just because it's got a bit tough. That response alone suggests a lack of parental commitment which is very sad for your dd (and you).

Forget punishments and work on looking at triggers for dds behaviour. If it is linked to school bullying then it will likely be triggers which bring out anxiety in her which she can't control or express.

I would acknowledge her anger/worry, tell her you want to help her feel better and will wait until she feels calm enough so you can do that together. Then when the storm of emotion starts to subside, ask her how she feels and if there is an activity that she would like to do. Reassure her you love her.

- Plenty of home educators work.

How?

Op has already said she couldn't afford childcare on the days she works though Titty.

I didn’t say they worked during the day. Don’t know what OP does but there are always options.

Sounds like your child needs help not punishment.
Perhaps GP appointment if not already done so ?
They would be able to refer to appropriate professionals.

At least they're in different classes anyway. I guess they feel unsafe and frightened and until the source of the problem is fixed it's going to be hard to handle the symptoms.

I've heard about love bombing on here, until you get proper help it might be worth trying?

What would happen if you and your DP broke up? Whose name is on the tenancy? Someone who could threaten to walk way from an abused children might not be improving the situation in the first places so you might want to prepare for that...

I strongly suggest you get in contact with the National Association of Therapeutic Parents. I have dealt with similar issues as you OP, violence, destructive behaviour, spitting - down to my kids being unable to cope at school and in other situations . I moved over to using therapeutic parenting techniques a couple of years, and this has been a complete godsend. My kids are adopted but also have autism, the techniques help for both.

Www.naotp.co.uk
m.facebook.com/groups/therapeuticparents/?ref=group_header&view=group

Firstly I think your top priority should be to find a new school for your child. I see that you are on the waiting list for 2. I would speak to your work and explain the situation, hopefully they can let you take unpaid parental leave until your son has a new school. I don’t think you should send him back to this school. Secondly when he hits out, let him know that you understand that he is angry but he is not allowed to hurt you. I would e punishing at this stage. Google child psychologists in Your area and they will be able to give you a few sessions To give you ideas and tools to help your son. They may or may not think it’s a good idea for him to have his own therapy.

I didn’t say they worked during the day. Don’t know what OP does but there are always options

I'm a nurse

I work Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday on rotation. All 07:30 - 19:30. My current childcare costs are £55 a fortnight.

Someone suggested compassionate leave - I've already exhausted that.

- Plenty of home educators work.*

How?

Home educating isn’t the same as doing school at home, for a start.

Generally it works by working as a family. My friends, for example, he changed his hours so he works 4 days a week. She works on the other weekday, one weekend day and one evening a week. They’ve pared back so that their costs are minimal. It works brilliantly for them.

Punishment is the last thing I'd be looking at Op. You need to be in touch with school authorities and head teacher. Your child is behaving badly because he's frightened and needs help.
You need professional help to deal with this situation, if you as parents can't pull together and help your child.
I know bad behaviour is an awful thing to deal with all the time. There's a huge difference between a child being naughty and one who's had such a traumatic time as your poor child. Get the help you need as a family.

If you only work 2 days during the week then Home Education is perfectly possible. Plenty of HE’ers work.

I really think punishing any behaviour that has come about due to trauma is so incredibly cruel. You need to help and support your child through this process that at 5 years old would be utterly confusing for them. This behaviour is their way of telling you how hurt and traumatised they are. Pull them out of school, let them know you are keeping them safe, get them professional help, love them unconditionally. All of this is far more important than punishing a 5 year old for showing you how unhappy they are.

As a nurse you have bank/agency options.

I'll offer some ways to help when he's angry that may work for him.

(For context I have an autistic son that also suffered an assault in school and was left traumatised and self harmed)

Set up a safe space. An Indoor tent with closable door, bean bag, blanket and some fiddle toys is great. Put it somewhere accessible in the house. Teach him about using it when he's angry and how it's to help him calm down. Talk about what feelings you get in your body when your getting angry and how to recognise when he's angry and how to use his 'safe space'. Ask school to set up something the same if he's also behaving this way in school as the trauma was there. (If he isn't then it's called masking and that will be what causes the bigger emotional stress at home as it builds up).
There's some great emotion cards on a key ring you can buy so if he's too overwhelmed to verbally communicate his feelings he can show this or they can be used to discuss how he was feeling when he got cross after he's calmed.
Also look at emotional scaling. Get him to recognise where he is throughout the day and it gives strategies to help for each emotion.
Is he into minecraft? There's a fab minecraft one that likens feelings to the characters. My ds loved it!

Use reward for him recognising he's angry and going to the tent. Use teaching when he's not got there about using it in future and what point he should have used it.

When he's angry and attacking guide him to the tent with minimal language "use your safe space" or something so he learns at which point on his feelings he should be there.

When he's in there do not try and engage in conversation with him or persuade him out unless he's ready. When he's still distressed leave him be.

I agree if you can afford a child psychologist it would be really helpful for him. My ds had one through Camhs and he really helped ds and also helped me understand ds feelings.

Be careful though to get a clinical psych and not a psychotherapist as these are different.

Seen your last message about shift rotation, what days/hours does your partner work?

It takes a little bit of juggling around sometimes but HE and working can definitely be done.

Sorry it's www.naotp.com

The Facebook group is great for on the spot advice and they have an advice line, training courses etc. Including specific courses in managing violence in children

The book the explosive child follows therapeutic lines.

Then there's therapeutic parenting in a nutshell and the A to Z of therapeutic parenting.

Don't punish your child. Try time in ( Google it) where you both take time out of the situation but you stay with them and offer cuddles and a listening ear and a chance to open up. Try lovebombing and lots of reconnecting and fun and love. Give them what they need to feel secure again. They need to talk to you: what is causing such a reaction?

Sorry: read that there was a traumatic incident. Why on earth would you punish them for their way of trying to process trauma?

Home education as suggested by pp sounds like a good idea.

If your DC is female and the other child was male, I wonder if any girls groups like girls brigade or rainbows would be useful once you're all further down the line. It might be somewhere they feel safer but could still socialise.

Thanks peonylass

hopefully they can let you take unpaid parental leave

I've taken the first 2 weeks of school off.

As a nurse you have bank/agency options

And how would I juggle childcare and maintain a regular income from that?

I understand you want the problem solved quickly but it's not your child's responsibility to get fixed quickly to save your marriage. If your partner is threatening to leave you all and not support his wife and child, this is very sad.

Op can’t work all night and teach / look after her child all day, Titty

If you only work 2 days during the week then Home Education is perfectly possible. Plenty of HE’ers work

My partner works mon - Friday 9-5, who is going to home ed my child when we are both at work?

Your child needs therapy to work through this horrendous trauma. Second get CMHS involved and a social worker. Having these services involved will help your son massively and get him into another school as priority. I’d then sue the other school as they failed horrendously to safeguard your child especially after the incident. Do not punish your child until you’ve had involvement with specialist services whom will guide and support you on how to manage this behaviour. Get to your GP Monday they are the gateway to getting these services.

youarenotkiddingme thank you for your excellent advice! And thanks for recognising my frustration too. Punishment was the wrong word, I actually want to modify behaviour but in my exasperated state couldn't find the words. I actually have a pop up tent we could utilise quite quickly. I'm going to give that a go. X