Ex has bought DS his dream birthday present but he can't bring it home

[mummytippy]

Thoughts on this please... as I have a very upset and disappointed child.

My 11 yo DS has just received his dream birthday present off his dad for his birthday. It's a gaming PC which my DS has told me cost roughly £2K. My DS had asked me to buy this gift but there's no way I'd be able to afford one. When leaving my Exs home last weekend our DS asked if he can bring it to our house (as visits his dad every other week) but was told no, it's to stay there for when he visits.

My DS was so upset he text his dad asking why he can't bring it. The reply was the same, it's to stay there and if he wants one at my house, to ask me to buy one!

My DS is so upset, he says he thinks it's cruel to be bought something he'll hardly be able to play on and said he doesn't want to go again.

I agree with dad, he's 12 so should be doing as he's told. You don't reward spoilt behaviour or encourage it.

He's spat his dummy out as his dad won't let him move the PC between homes. He's not getting his way and you are supporting him in doing that. It will backfire when he wants to do something and you say no.

I can't imagine him telling a judge he doesn't want to see his dad as he won't let him cart a pc between houses.

''There is no situation, you are the adult, he has to learn he can't always have his own way! You need to bring him to me instead of making things worse. The order is in place for a reason, as I have told ds I have work commitments this weekend therefore please bring him the week after. He is 12 and should do as his parents ask!''.*

He is right. You should have told your ds to be grateful he got a great pc to have at his dad's house you are colluding in a 12 year old trying to play one parent off against the other to get his own way.

I've chatted with my ds and said all of these things... generous gift... and lucky but ds is upset as it's his gift but in his eyes it's like he may as well not have it as it's at dad's house and staying there. He goes once every two weeks.
Never before have presents had to stay at dad's house but the dream present does?
If you give someone a gift... you 'give it', you don't keep it... my ds's words not mine.

I'm not colluding with my ds, I can't force him and I won't when he's upset. Dad welcome to collect/visit have contact no problem.

I've had absolutely nothing to do with the purchase of this PC and the upset it has caused I feel it's my ex's job to sort out with ds not me!

I've invited him to come and take ds out to sort out and even though my ex would have normally been bringing ds back home yesterday had he gone on Friday, he chose not to drive to see ds on his birthday weekend regardless of the PC... Now what does that say?

I had stuff at my dads for the weekend that would stay there, thats just life and i survived. You're sons being a drama queen.

Lets stop pretending that kids can just do what they like with their things because thats just not true, no adult will give their 12 year old free reign to do what they like with expensive items regardless if it was a gift.

I've had absolutely nothing to do with the purchase of this PC and the upset it has caused I feel it's my ex's job to sort out with ds not me! but you involved yourself ?

The dad's not keeping it, its at your sons other home for him to use when he is there.

Having been the stepmum in the situation from the dad's pov, I agree with the previous couple of posters. Your son sounds very spoilt. It may well be your ex's job to sort it out but I think you should be spelling out to your son how ungrateful he is being and sometimes, at 12 you just do as you are told and suck it up. It should be something to look forward to at his dad's. I can completely understand the tone of your ex's texts.

My DH now has a very poor relationship with his DD because she is a very entitled and selfish person (now in her twenties) and it started with this kind of behaviour when she was 13ish and got worse and worse and her mother encouraged it. Nothing my DH ever did was good enough. Maybe if her mum had just once said "you're being selfish, give your head a wobble and don't treat your dad like that", things might have been different. I can honestly say, yes he made some mistakes, but he can hold his head high that he tried to be the best NRP possible.

You can try the "I'm disappointed in you" chat. You could also point out to him that you wouldn't want a gaming PC for him at yours as 48 hours once a fortnight is enough time on it.

Do you think it is just about the PC or is there something else going on?

I'd just like my ex to at least pick up the phone and try to resolve this directly if he isn't prepared to take ds out to sort/discuss.

I didn't involve myself... ds got dropped off back from his dad's 2 weeks ago upset he wasn't allowed to bring his gift to the home where he spends the majority of his time... I've chatted to ds etc and said I wouldn't like him to not have a relationship with his dad (despite the Hell he's put me through). I am always the bigger person/adult but on this I see my ds's point... What was the point of buying him a gift he couldn't really afford DS would hardly be there to play with?

I too was step-mum to ex's 2nd eldest from him being 3 - 11 (now 23) and we are still in touch... he had many gifts given at our house he was allowed to take back to his mum's... expensive Lego sets, Harry Potter toys and books... because they were his!

Ex has also recently split from current gf of approx. 7 years (who he has a 2 yo with) so ds is spending time at his gm's house on the Saturday's of the alternate contact weekends... He has said there's not really much point in going anymore... (I said what about dhalfs? ds said she just annoys him, hits him, switches things on and off...) I'm just tired of the drama created by my ex partner... He has 3 other dc's with separate women aside from our ds... doesn't have contact with eldest dc since she was 2 yo and she is now 25... 'tired emoji'

I refute my ds is spoilt... he got a £29.99 paddling pool off me for his birthday and hasn't been out of it.

Sounds like it was the last straw for DS and presumably the PC is really for his Dad and he knows it so effectively didn't get a gift at all?

Doesn't sound like a birthday gift at all, it sounds like he bought it for himself and is 'allowing' DS to use it every other weekend, and using it as an excuse as to why he didn't buy DS a birthday present.

OP I agree with you in letting your DS chose his relationship he has with his dad.

Every family I know where the kids split their time between two homes has the

Sorry! has the rule about what can be transported between the houses. Otherwise, toys and electronics get left behind, get lost in transit, or simply get lost because a kid can't remember whether he brought it or not. This leads to upset for all parties.

Your son may be cutting his nose off to spite his face. I strongly suspect that by next visitation weekend he will want to go to see his Dad and his PC, since the emotional blackmail didn't work.

Yes Choli the rule has always been that items can travel between both as dc's and yes, things have got lost in transit... headphones... chargers... and an Xbox game.

I understand the gaming pc is different as need to be set up and left. According to my ex he told ds it was to stay there but ds says this was never said.

I actually feel it was irresponsible to buy something he could hardly afford... My ds knows I'm on a tight budget and appreciates everything... like I said he loves the £29.99 pool...

I thought ds would have gone this last weekend (as desperate to play on the PC) but no.

I'm thinking I will text my ex and say there is a 'situation' (whether he likes or not) which I can't sort out (as didn't cause it) and he needs to at least speak to ds.

While encouraging a relationship with his dad, I said to ds I'd ask his dad to collect him a week on Friday if he won't let me take him (as I'm not withholding contact) and ds has said again - no point going anymore as will be at gm's house on the Sat of each weekend (as ex working) and also during 3 weeks of school summer holiday.

I'm at a loss of what to do!

Why should your ex pick up the phone and discuss it with you? If you haven't influenced your son's decision it won't make a difference if you have then you've just manipulated your ex into takingmore crap from you. You should either back him up and tell your ds he's being rude ungrateful and trying to blackmail his dad or be pleased that you've managed to widen the wedge between them which sounds like your goal. You're the only winner here no wonder your ex doesn't want to make a pointless phonecal

A present is something that is given to a person for them to do what they would like with it. Should presents come with conditions attached ?

Of course they can, if you are a parent. If you buy your child a $2k PC, you are certainly well within your rights as a parent that it is to stay at home and not get carted from house to house. A big PC is not a portable game, it would be a pain in the neck to keep moving it every weekend, not to mention the likelihood of it getting damaged.

Your son is acting very poorly and you are encouraging it. I think that secretly you probably would be thrilled if your DS never saw his father again and this seems like a good catalyst for you. Children don't get to drag $2k computers from house to house in any reasonable scenario.

Infinite I suggest you read my op and all the replies!

I want my ex to sort it out with my ds - not me!!!

I have no goal here! I just want a happy child that wants to see his dad.

I think it belongs to your son so he should decide but that doesn’t help in this situation.

As much as it would stick in my throat, I’d back up your ex’s position. I’d explain to DS that each home has certain things in it that can’t move with him and this is one of them. I’d say how lucky he is to get such a fab gift and he can look forward to using it at his dads. Then don’t indulge any whinging about it because ultimately for your sons health and attitude, it’s important not put him in a postition where he feels you’re on his side and leads to massive resentment and conflict with his dad. A family rule has been made about this, it won’t kill or damage him to accept this rule.

Midnight you need to read my OP and all my posts. I'm not expecting the PC to be transported from house to house and I certainly will not be secretly thrilled if ds choses not to see his father again.

My concern here and reason for posting is because my ds feels like his dad has played a trick and with his birthday present!
Never before have presents had to stay at his house... and now with the one thing he truly wanted - it does :-(

I'm trying to support my ds who when he initially text his dad himself (off his own back) to ask if the PC could come to my house, his dad said ''no, ask your mum to buy one for her house''??? Oh yes, I'm just waiting for the magic beans to grow!

The language he's used in his messages is confusing and now I'm more on the lines now that it's actually his PC and DS can play on it when he goes there.

Thanks Hideandgo...

I've been trying with this approach and still am. I'd just like my ex to phone him and say it too (as apparently he's already said it). I'm sick of hearing about this PC now and wish he'd not bought it. I agree on the addition/health issues too.

NRP probably bought the PC so son has entertainment when he visits. If your son brings it home then is he supposed to buy another for his house since PCs are not designed for regular transport? If Dad intended the machine to be transported back and forth then surely he'd get a gaming laptop instead?
It's a shame that Dad lives 100 miles away so there can't me more contact but that's life. I understand he'll miss the pc when not there but he has 2 homes.

I think you're right to say that you can't and won't force him to travel to Dad's. Legally a judge would respect his opinion but his reason (the gaming pc ) makes it sound like he's sulking for not getting his way.

We aren't talking about an item or clothing, or even an iPad here. What if your ex redecorated your son's room as a gift for him? Should he be allowed to pack up and bring that to your home as well? A 2k gift is not something that should leave the home of the parent that bought the gift. Heck, I tell DS not to let his Lego that I buy him to leave the house in case he loses it, and that's worth a lot less than this PC. It's not about saying 'this is a gift for DS and he can do what he wants with it'. It's about being a parent and saying that expensive items (gift or not) should be kept safely at home (and in this case, your son has two homes) and not carted around where it could be damaged and not ever returned.

That you can't afford the expensive PC that your child is so desperate for is actually not even part of this equation and is not actually your ex's problem. Reverse the situation, and you buy your son a $2k television for his room. Would you be happy for him to pack it up and take it to your ex's house every weekend, not knowing if it would ever come back? Of course you wouldn't. Some big ticket items are meant to be kept in one place, and that would be the home of the parent who bought it. iPads, laptops etc are portable and designed to be transported. Gaming PCs are bloody monsters and should stay where they are set up.

I have read all your posts OP try reading mine with an open mind and not an agenda

infinite you’ve just told a woman abused by her ex for years that she’s giving him crap and you accuse her of having an agenda and call her son nasty things?

Some people blow my mind on here, they really do.

Thanks Unicorns you are spot on with my ex.

Infinite I've read your posts regarding my situ and think you have been quite personal but I'll live. I'm virtually bullet proof thanks to my ex.

My priority is my ds and his feelings. Like I said I wish he hadn't bought the gaming PC... He said in his own words 'It's backfired on him' I'm not sure what that means but it's not positive from where I'm standing.

@mummytippy I’m glad it hasn’t upset you, there seems to be an unusual amount of people on here just now defending abusers.

The heat is getting to people it seems.

I want my ex to sort it out with my ds - not me!!!

he has tried though!
He had this conversation with your dc before he bought it so your son knew the rules.....yet now he's creating a big drama and thinks he can use emotional blackmail to force his dad to change his mind

your son IS behaving like a spoilt brat - 'i want X and i want it NOW or else i will do xyz'
have you actually told him to respect his fathers decision even though he doesn't like it?
That he needs to practice some gratitude for the things he does have?
That a relationship with his dad is more important than materialistic stuff?

I think your negative attitude towards your ex has influenced your son's attitude/relationship with his dad and you're still doing iy.