Ex has bought DS his dream birthday present but he can't bring it home

[mummytippy]

Thoughts on this please... as I have a very upset and disappointed child.

My 11 yo DS has just received his dream birthday present off his dad for his birthday. It's a gaming PC which my DS has told me cost roughly £2K. My DS had asked me to buy this gift but there's no way I'd be able to afford one. When leaving my Exs home last weekend our DS asked if he can bring it to our house (as visits his dad every other week) but was told no, it's to stay there for when he visits.

My DS was so upset he text his dad asking why he can't bring it. The reply was the same, it's to stay there and if he wants one at my house, to ask me to buy one!

My DS is so upset, he says he thinks it's cruel to be bought something he'll hardly be able to play on and said he doesn't want to go again.

My Ex also knows that I couldn't afford one single handedly outright so him taxt ing my ds and suggesting 'I buy one to have a my house' is ridiculous... it's not a phone charger!!!

i hate this. my DM used to buy expensive toys and clothes for her house. The one weekend a month my DDs visited they played with it. She recently commented how well cared for her toys were...errrr no, nobody ever bloody played with them! absolute dickheads

There you go boney. He cant go round more.
Why would you buy someone a bday present that they can only use twice a month? Its spite. And sounds like the ds sees him for what he is.

My nephew spends at least four nights or more with me.
When i buy him things would it be nice of me to insist because i bought them they stay with me.
No, it would be a weird power trip wouldnt it.
And that is exactly what he is doing. He could have allowed him to have it at home, where he could actually enjoy it. He would rather make a spiteful point.

Oswin
There you go boney. He cant go round more.

Thanks for the aggressive response. Much appreciated.

From the responses on here and those from his son the Dad shouldn't have bothered.

Boney have you ever actually dealt with a spiteful ex before? Because if you have I’m struggling to see why you’re standing up for a man that does minimal parenting, just flashes some cash and then uses that as a way to belittle op, knowing full well she couldn’t afford to do the same. If he was a decent guy he would have got in touch with op and discussed it first, found out what would be the best course of action for their child and gone from there. He hasn’t done any of that.

TeddyIsaHe

As you have brought it up. Spiteful and abusive both physical and emotional.

I can "stand up for" this man because he is not my ex and I haven't put any predetermined bias forward.

most of your last post is projection based on your experience. Thats fine, but it doesn't mean that your opinion is correct or that I have to agree with it.

And as for the last bit are you really saying that he should have to ask permission as to what to buy he child? Because thats just a little bit controlling.

I'm sorry Boney but Teddy has read correctly between the lines.
My Ex put my ds and myself through 2 years of family court Hell :-(

mummytippy

Then to paraphrase the late great Sir Terry Pratchett "post the whole of the thing".

I’d say OP did post it pretty clearly, what the ex’s intentions were. I guess we all perceive things differently, and it’s easy for things to get lost in translation over text.

My husband left me for another woman a year ago and I'm struggling so much.
I had suspicions about her and raised them with him and he said that me and our son were his future, three weeks later he left.
They are now expecting a child together, and it breaks my heart every weekend when my 4 year old son goes to them.
I feel like my life is falling apart and I'm struggling to be a good mum because I'm always upset over it all.
How do you get past this and be happy again?

Posted in the wrong place, I'm sorry.

Rhea9009 I'm so sorry to hear what's happened to you.
Some men are rotten... it's horrid what he's done saying one thing and doing another! Especially when it's your life he's messing with!
You will get through it... Focus on your son.
As hard as the situ is you are better without someone who's behaved like that xx

Hi everyone

So today my ds is still adamant he's not going to his dad's for the weekend. He's planning to text him to tell him how he feels when he comes out of school. I've said I'll re-iterate his feelings in a separate text from me to his dad too. I feel I need to support him in how he feels and stress to my Ex how upset he is.

It's my ds's birthday tomorrow so I'm going to ask my ex if he'd like to travel over and take him out somewhere for a few hours instead so he can spend time with him on his birthday.

Sending you strength and support. Respecting your son's decision and supporting him is gold standard parenting. It just shows how well you have done that he has the confidence and understanding to teach this conclusion and follow it through. It's hard enough asserting yourself in your 40's sometimes.

Good luck - and brace yourself. Ex will blame you and accuse you of manipulation as per usual. Ex will be wrong and an idiot to do this, as usual.

Thanks Weezol.

So my ds text his dad on Friday at about 5pm to say he didn't want to go this weekend as he wanted to spend his birthday with me and that he was still very upset about his birthday present as he'd like to have it at my house.

My ex text my ds straight back and said 'That's up to you mate, I guess you're not coming then, so God knows when I'll next see you. I'm away on business next week. I think you're being very unfair. I told you before I got it t was to stay at my house. I have feelings too. Have a good birthday! xx'.

He then text me and said 'I guess your not bring ds tonight! Please text back to confirm'. (I was driving when ds text his dad).

I text him once home (10 mins later) and said 'Hi I was just about to text you. Ds is really upset about the gaming PC and doesn't want to come. It's is birthday tomorrow so if you'd like to take him out for a few hours please let me know''.

He replied 'As you know I am at work tomorrow (I didn't know) I did had plans with ds but if he doesn't want to come there's not a great deal I can do! Will I see him again?'

I replied ' I didn't know you were working (and ex usually always has Sunday off). He's really upset about the gaming PC so I think you need to talk to him'.

He replied 'It's a bit hard when your not bringing him! I have explained to him and explained in length. I'm at a loss as what to do. I tried to do something nice so he had something here'.

I haven't replied to him as yet as was busy yesterday as ds's birthday.

My question now is, do I reply and re-iterate about him talking to him again... suggest he comes and takes ds out another day or just leave comms now between ds and his dad? I offered for him to take ds out and he could have put something to me for another day (including today) but didn't... I don't really want to be involved in this but I am and as there's the court order I'm concerned. I've told my ds what his dad text me and that I suggested he come and take him out but he's said he's working. My ds still feels the same way and will also know his dad could have suggested today to go out as he'd usually be returning him home later today anyway so travelling to the area we live.

I'd reply and tell him that as he's bought a present for your DS, it should be his choice as to what to do with it and if he wants it at the home where he spends the majority of his time, that should be up to him, as it is now his possession.
.

Perhaps something along the lines of

"I am not capable of forcing DS to get in car. I will continue to encourage DS to spend time with you so I suggest you make some arrangements with him (and let me know) to take him out and discuss the situation between you."

Thank you Random and Moody.

I was hoping he'd have used his own initiative and come over yesterday to sort matters without me having to suggest it!!! … but in an effort to salvage a relationship with our ds I'll suggest it.

Okay so I sent my text... and got an instant reply...

''There is no situation, you are the adult, he has to learn he can't always have his own way! You need to bring him to me instead of making things worse. The order is in place for a reason, as I have told ds I have work commitments this weekend therefore please bring him the week after. He is 12 and should do as his parents ask!''.

So it would seem I'm now the fly in the ointment in a situation I did not cause!!!

I'd like to point out that my ex has an aversion to driving to see our ds (even when I lived 5 mins from his place of work after we split up). I strongly believe this is why he applied to the family court in the first instance when I was relocating from his area back to where I'm originally from - he wanted full custody so I'd have to do all the travelling. The Judge ordered we share transportation... me take ds to him... ex return him.

Well at 12 is old enough to have his views taken into account by the courts.

How do you want to play it? If DD refuses to go next time, tell ex he will have to go back to court to enforce the CO as DS is old enough to have his wishes taken into account?

Does DS realise he may be forced to still have contact?

You could go grey rock and just wait to be taken to court by ex...

You can self rep to save money.

He's 12, not 2. Isn't 12 the age judges start considering what the child wants? "He is 12 and should do as his parents ask" smacks of controlling

A 12 year old has their feelings taken into consideration; If your son doesn't go and ex takes it back to court they will listen to your son's point of view before deciding.
Tbh I don't think it's unfair for him to have things kept at each house - my ex once accused me of stealing clothes as something didn't go back straight away...though they have loads of clothes here...exs can be bitter and nasty and you don't want to risk things getting broken outwith your own household insurance.
Your son is lucky enough to have this present sometimes, it's a lot more than many have and it might be better for him to accept and appreciate - but that's not easy when you want something. Keep a record of everything so there can be no implying at court that you are egging your son on. Take copies of your sons messages to father about it.

My ex was extremely controlling and aggressive and that was my reason for ending our relationship when ds was 18 months old. I did not want ds brought up in that environment.

The way I see this situ is that yes, my ex has bought ds a fantastic birthday present, his dream gift as my OP says.

The problem is there are conditions attached... in that my ex wants it to be kept at his house and this has NEVER been the case before. This what makes me suspect it was not purely a gift for my ds... it was possibly 'dressed up'.

I genuinely am not influencing my ds and am purely supporting him. He sees what his dad has done as being cruel and like teasing him.

My ex has not even attempted to phone and speak to ds this weekend despite it even being his birthday! He's not even asked me if he's had a nice birthday.

In my view he is turning this around on me... mentioning the court order... ''You need to bring him to me''.
He can come and have additional contact whenever he likes (by prior arrangement but never has). Ds is not a small child - he's around 6 inches shorter than me and probably half a stone lighter.- it genuinely would be a physical impossibility for me to get him in my vehicle against his will.

I feel I've tried to reasonably encourage resolution and now I'm expected to resolve something I've not caused. Engaging with him further I feel would be a waste of time as he'll only get more aggressive towards me and I should not have to put up with that.

I think your son is behaving quite poorly to be honest. Playing you against each other to get his own way. The pc is not something that can be carted back and forth and it sounds like dad has talked about this with your son.
Your son then goes to you to try to talk him into it and is now not wanting contact cause he's not getting his way? Good for dad for not bending to the manipulation i say.