How to deal with friend making me feel awkward

[NotSinisterAtAll]

Yesterday I took my friend some flowers and some wine for her birthday. I was quite happy to stand on the doorstep but she asked me in. I did say no as I was feeling a little awkward but she insisted so I went in to the hallway and shut the door. We chatted and she beckoned me in to the house more. I kept saying no, meaning I’m ok to just chat here. She opened her lounge door and her kids were sat at the table having their tea. They said hi, seemed pleased to see me. She asked me in to the lounge but I said no as I didn’t want to feel more awkward. She eventually took me by the wrist and took me in to the lounge. We chatted, all was ok but I just felt a bit awkward. Eventually we went back outside chatted more and I left. Bit later I got a text saying thank you for the flowers and apologising for making me feel awkward. She realised she’d made me feel this way, however, I’m wondering if I should pull her up on it in person? She’d probably feel awkward herself and probably humiliated but I feel I need to say something for it not to happen again. WWYD? Should I accept the text apology and leave it or pull her up on it and risk humiliating her (which may seem extreme but she’s very sensitive). I’m stuck.

@Prestonsflowers

I’d just have preferred to have gone when she was on her own. This was the first time I’d ever seen her husband. Of course Sunday’s you should expect families to be home, I don’t suggest that’s not right. She knows I do have trust issues around people I dont know, I’ve told her this.

But why didn’t you just say a firm ‘no’ and that you had other plans?

Telling her to forget it is saying there was an issue and she did something wrong.

YOU need to apologise to her for making a meal out of taking a gift from you.

You acknowledge it's you that's a bit weird around certain things, this is your issue nobody else's. It's not all about you.

If she hadn’t insisted on me coming in, had listened when I said no, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

It’s really odd though to take a birthday present to a friend and then stand on the doorstep talking. That’s the type of thing you do if you drop a neighbours parcel off or something. I can’t imagine visiting a friend with wine/flowers and then us having a conversation on the doorstep!

If you really didn’t want to go in you should have said ‘really can’t stop, have got the dinner in the oven / got to pick DC up’ or whatever.

You can’t really say you want to talk to your friend but only on her doorstep not in her house!

Don't just say to her to forget it, she did nothing wrong and this indicates that although you are saying you understand the problem is yours, you actually think it's her.

If your trust issues are so significant literally being in her home in the vicinity of her husband, with her kids and her present, causes you to react as you are then the onus is on you to manage your social interactions accordingly. Of course her husband was likely going to be home on a Sunday at tea time.

Just tell her it's you not her and it was lovely to meet everyone.

Are you receiving help for your anxiety and trust issues? I'm afraid they do sound extreme, I'm sorry.

Your orginal post makes more sense now.
I agree with Kardashianlove and Bluntness100
The issues you have with trust are yours to manage.

@Bluntness100

No I’m not receiving help and I don’t intended to.

Re the trust thing. She asked me once if I trusted her, I said I don’t trust anyone. So she knows I have trust issues.

If someone told me they didn’t trust anyone then I wouldn’t automatically understand to never invite them into my house when my partner is around. Something like that wouldn’t even enter my mind

I do think you need to seek some help. Why do you not wish to? Your reactions are not within the norm and are negatively impacting your life.

It's not fair of you to think she should know not to bring you into her home based on you saying you don't trust anyone.

Honestly, your reactions are way off beam here,

OP, you can't expect her to take responsibility for your issues. That's too high an expectation, it's unreasonable.
It was her birthday, you took flowers and wine. I would have left them on the doorstep, but maybe you didn't have chance to do that.
You did a nice thing.
She did a nice thing by asking you in even though they were eating.
Her 'nice' didn't quite fit with your 'nice', so you were uncomfortable.
That's not a problem.
Just accept it about each other, and move on. Don't go to her house if there's a risk you'll be uncomfortable. That's your responsibility, not hers. She doesn't need to apologise, and nor do you.

@Bluntness100

I do not wish to as this was an isolated incident and no t something I encounter everyday.

"No I’m not receiving help and I don’t intended to."

Why wouldn't you want to? This is one of the strangest scenarios I have read on mumsnet. The visit was pre-arranged. To just stand on the doorstep after being invited in was rude and unfriendly.

Your friend shouldn't have had to feel the need to apologise to you.

Next year ask her to come to your house to collect her present (sans husband and children).

@MaryandMichael

She knew I was coming so couldn’t just leave them on the doorstep. As I say, I would’ve been more comfortable if she had been alone. I should have suggested going over Friday gone but couldnt.

She’s always really very forthcoming with replies to messages but she’s not replied to my last one so maybe she realises i wasn’t comfortable.

@LoniceraJaponica

She’s been to my house a few times but I’ve only ever asked her in once. I think she’d feel awkward too coming in my house.

This really isn't a normal reaction and you've made your friend feel guilty for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

@WildImaginings

You think she’s not come back to me as I’ve made her feel guilty?

Or maybe she's just realised it's too hard to be friends with you.

But hey at least you can tell yourself that you were right not to trust her then. Win win.

OP I really would try and battle those demons in your position. It sounds like a lonely place to be in.

Surely it would have been rude to leave you oñ the doorstep? She was only trying to be hospitable. Have you got claustrophobia or something?

You seriously need some perspective

@Singlenotsingle

It’s not like I didn’t go in! I did and we chatted lovely, I just felt a bit awkward. I can’t fulky explain why. But my friend knows I have trust issues and get uncomfortable, she knows me well enough in that respect.

I just felt I should say something to her but didn’t want her to feel humiliated by what I’d say to her.

Why the heck would you want to say something and possibly make this women feel bad for being a polite human being?

OP, I imagine she may feel guilty despite the fact she's done nothing wrong. And bemused/confused.

You sound like you really value her as a friend and vice versa, and it would be a shame to lose that.

I completely understand trust issues; I have them too. My trust issues have also unfortunately caused me to lose/self sabotage friendships.

I think the people who are urging you to seek help are doing so from a place of kindness, not judgement.

@Chalkitup

Should she have pulled me by my wrist in to a room where her kids were eating?

@WildImaginings

I do value her, she’s been there for me through a lot over the last 18mths. I’m not going to push her away.

The kids were eating, so what?

Unless they and their father were sitting stark naked on the dinner plates, why should it be such an issue!?