A week ago we were told my by husbands parents that my husbands half sister has reported his father to the police for touching her 30 years ago.
He has been arrested for historic child sex abuse, and has made his statement, we believe has also been to court - but now awaiting her reply for it go further ie crown/magistrates.
He admitted that he touched her on 4 separate occasions, 4 times of which he touched her breasts and once that he touched her vagina.
We were told this happened when my husband was a baby he is currently 30, so providing he was around 1 - she would have been around 12-13 years old.
She is accusing him of more, watching her in the bathroom, asking her to come into his bedroom and going into hers, for touching.
This is the first time my husband had any knowledge of this and understandably is shocked, sad, angry, disgusted, and is all over the place to be quite honest.
We have a 1 year old daughter, and his parents have told us that his father must only have supervised contact with our daughter. That we are to receive a letter to formally be told of the authorities findings.
We considered ourselves to be a close loving family, we saw his parents regularly, they had looked after our daughter on a few occasions.
His parents told us that the step daughter had told a school friend/the school all that time ago, that mum was called in to school and the social services were involved all that time ago - but there was no police involvement.
We haven’t received a letter, but have had a phone call from Social Services. They asked me firstly if I knew why they were calling, then told me to say why and what it was about, then asked how we knew. Our thoughts and feelings, how we have taken It and what we are going to do going forward. She decided to send someone around for a visit which we are due to have sometime next week.
We’re now all in limbo and keep talking things over and over. Our lives have been completely turned upside down.
My husband is sad because he loves his parents, and he had a wonderful upbringing, and they have always done right by him. He doesn’t want to cut ties with them as he says they are still his parents and that love is unconditional.
However we are finding it hard to deal with, we’ve only known ourselves for 6 days and already we’re had SS call and now arranging a visit.
My thoughts -
I can’t condone what he has done, there’s absolutely no defending or excusing his behaviour.
I’m sad that his mum knew, but still stood by him. I’m so angry about this, that she’s knowingly let my daughter around him. Why has she never told her son, did they think that because SS had involvement all that time ago it was over and it would never come back to haunt them.
I guess why tell their son if they thought he never needed to know? She’d already got 3 kids from a previous failed marriage, perhaps she didn’t want to be left bringing up 4 kids by herself, although the second youngest would have been 12-13 and the other two a few years older, So hardly young. Did she not want her son to grow up without a father, or only seeing him now and then. Did she think bringing him up with them both together the best option. Would my husband been the man he is today (the most wonderful husband ever) if they didn’t do what they did? What would it of achieved telling him say when he was 16 what would that of done to him? Do I wish I didn’t marry my husband and have a baby with him - no I bloody don’t. It wouldn’t have changed the fact I fell in love with him. It’s a huge shame we’ve ended up not having the family we thought we had. Id love to know your thoughts regarding his mother
My husbands thoughts
He doesn’t want to punish his mother but says she has some serious answering to do.
He has told them via text at the moment that they are still his parents and he loves them unconditionally, but he needs space and time.
He believes we should take a half half approach going forward, they never look after our daughter again, but we don’t deprive them or our daughter of their/her granddaughter/grandparents, but visits are with us present, and either we go to them or they come to us. That his dad can never attend any of her birthday parties, due to other peoples children in attendance, that we only see them on bigger occasions, birthdays etc and not to much on other times.
Currently we can’t even think of anything worse than being in there company, as we are still coming to terms with the news, and going over and over thoughts and feelings. We are yet to tell them they are uninvited to ours for Christmas.
However we have SS coming around next week, we’re angry and honestly pissed off that we now have them involved with our family, my husband and I are good parents, and now we feel as if we are on trial. I know they are looking out for our child, but what do they want from us?? To tell them we hate his father, that our daughter will never be seeing him again, because as “perfect parents” you shouldn’t want your child around a pervert, because they are right you shouldn’t, but do we now stop our daughter and any future children from knowing their granddad until they are of age we have to explain all this to them, instead of keeping some kind of normality...?
would love to know your thoughts on contact or no contact
My husband and I will take it Day by day week by week as to our relationship with the both of them, as me personally I don’t even want to talk to them right now, I couldn’t think of anything worse than being in their company, however I do understand they are my husbands parents and anytime and any contact he wishes to have with them nu himself is up to him.
I’m sure things Will get easier as time goes on with our relationship with them both (without our child and future children)
How do we know how things will be in months years decades time... im not sure what SS is expecting of us, we feel it’s a test if you say we may see them in time for occasions with our daughter in the future but it will never be unsupervised - will we flag up as shit parents, like we condone what he done??? Are we just as bad as I feel his mother is? Knowing all this time.... you shouldn’t want your child in the company of a pervert, but should you deprive your child of a grandparent(s)?? Kids aren’t blind nor stupid, but 5+ they’ll start to ask questions, how do I do right by my child? I’d never knowingly, on purpose or want to put my child at risk.
But if we feel we can move on and have some sort of relationship with his parents, do we lie to our children to say they are working or busy, what when they ask questions why don’t they see them etc.
At the moment we don’t know if his father will get a suspended sentence or the 6 months to 10 years his solicitor has prepared him for..
So how long he stays on the sex offenders register depends on that, IF he got 6months or under he would be 7 years on the register - so what then? He’s a huge danger from now until 2024/5 then all of a sudden he’s no longer a danger. The system just all seems a bit odd.
There is no doubt that things will never be the same again, but do we go NC or do we “meet in the middle”? I know i’ll always be watching him around my child and future children, and my trust for them both has completely gone. They aren’t the people I thought they were, but they are still my husbands parents and my daughters grandparents.
I’m sad and shocked this wasn’t delt with properly all this time ago....
I think we just both wish it would/could go back to how things were before, happy loving family, I guess it’s coming to terms with it and doing what is best for our family (the 3 of us) as Ultimately that’s what matters the most....
Would love to know your thoughts and views....
Many thanks for reading.