What would you do? Historical child sex abuse within the family

[CV123x]

A week ago we were told my by husbands parents that my husbands half sister has reported his father to the police for touching her 30 years ago.

He has been arrested for historic child sex abuse, and has made his statement, we believe has also been to court - but now awaiting her reply for it go further ie crown/magistrates.

He admitted that he touched her on 4 separate occasions, 4 times of which he touched her breasts and once that he touched her vagina.

We were told this happened when my husband was a baby he is currently 30, so providing he was around 1 - she would have been around 12-13 years old.

She is accusing him of more, watching her in the bathroom, asking her to come into his bedroom and going into hers, for touching.

This is the first time my husband had any knowledge of this and understandably is shocked, sad, angry, disgusted, and is all over the place to be quite honest.

We have a 1 year old daughter, and his parents have told us that his father must only have supervised contact with our daughter. That we are to receive a letter to formally be told of the authorities findings.

We considered ourselves to be a close loving family, we saw his parents regularly, they had looked after our daughter on a few occasions.

His parents told us that the step daughter had told a school friend/the school all that time ago, that mum was called in to school and the social services were involved all that time ago - but there was no police involvement.

We haven’t received a letter, but have had a phone call from Social Services. They asked me firstly if I knew why they were calling, then told me to say why and what it was about, then asked how we knew. Our thoughts and feelings, how we have taken It and what we are going to do going forward. She decided to send someone around for a visit which we are due to have sometime next week.

We’re now all in limbo and keep talking things over and over. Our lives have been completely turned upside down.

My husband is sad because he loves his parents, and he had a wonderful upbringing, and they have always done right by him. He doesn’t want to cut ties with them as he says they are still his parents and that love is unconditional.

However we are finding it hard to deal with, we’ve only known ourselves for 6 days and already we’re had SS call and now arranging a visit.

My thoughts -

I can’t condone what he has done, there’s absolutely no defending or excusing his behaviour.

I’m sad that his mum knew, but still stood by him. I’m so angry about this, that she’s knowingly let my daughter around him. Why has she never told her son, did they think that because SS had involvement all that time ago it was over and it would never come back to haunt them.
I guess why tell their son if they thought he never needed to know? She’d already got 3 kids from a previous failed marriage, perhaps she didn’t want to be left bringing up 4 kids by herself, although the second youngest would have been 12-13 and the other two a few years older, So hardly young. Did she not want her son to grow up without a father, or only seeing him now and then. Did she think bringing him up with them both together the best option. Would my husband been the man he is today (the most wonderful husband ever) if they didn’t do what they did? What would it of achieved telling him say when he was 16 what would that of done to him? Do I wish I didn’t marry my husband and have a baby with him - no I bloody don’t. It wouldn’t have changed the fact I fell in love with him. It’s a huge shame we’ve ended up not having the family we thought we had. Id love to know your thoughts regarding his mother

My husbands thoughts

He doesn’t want to punish his mother but says she has some serious answering to do.

He has told them via text at the moment that they are still his parents and he loves them unconditionally, but he needs space and time.

He believes we should take a half half approach going forward, they never look after our daughter again, but we don’t deprive them or our daughter of their/her granddaughter/grandparents, but visits are with us present, and either we go to them or they come to us. That his dad can never attend any of her birthday parties, due to other peoples children in attendance, that we only see them on bigger occasions, birthdays etc and not to much on other times.

Currently we can’t even think of anything worse than being in there company, as we are still coming to terms with the news, and going over and over thoughts and feelings. We are yet to tell them they are uninvited to ours for Christmas.

However we have SS coming around next week, we’re angry and honestly pissed off that we now have them involved with our family, my husband and I are good parents, and now we feel as if we are on trial. I know they are looking out for our child, but what do they want from us?? To tell them we hate his father, that our daughter will never be seeing him again, because as “perfect parents” you shouldn’t want your child around a pervert, because they are right you shouldn’t, but do we now stop our daughter and any future children from knowing their granddad until they are of age we have to explain all this to them, instead of keeping some kind of normality...?
would love to know your thoughts on contact or no contact

My husband and I will take it Day by day week by week as to our relationship with the both of them, as me personally I don’t even want to talk to them right now, I couldn’t think of anything worse than being in their company, however I do understand they are my husbands parents and anytime and any contact he wishes to have with them nu himself is up to him.
I’m sure things Will get easier as time goes on with our relationship with them both (without our child and future children)

How do we know how things will be in months years decades time... im not sure what SS is expecting of us, we feel it’s a test if you say we may see them in time for occasions with our daughter in the future but it will never be unsupervised - will we flag up as shit parents, like we condone what he done??? Are we just as bad as I feel his mother is? Knowing all this time.... you shouldn’t want your child in the company of a pervert, but should you deprive your child of a grandparent(s)?? Kids aren’t blind nor stupid, but 5+ they’ll start to ask questions, how do I do right by my child? I’d never knowingly, on purpose or want to put my child at risk.
But if we feel we can move on and have some sort of relationship with his parents, do we lie to our children to say they are working or busy, what when they ask questions why don’t they see them etc.

At the moment we don’t know if his father will get a suspended sentence or the 6 months to 10 years his solicitor has prepared him for..
So how long he stays on the sex offenders register depends on that, IF he got 6months or under he would be 7 years on the register - so what then? He’s a huge danger from now until 2024/5 then all of a sudden he’s no longer a danger. The system just all seems a bit odd.

There is no doubt that things will never be the same again, but do we go NC or do we “meet in the middle”? I know i’ll always be watching him around my child and future children, and my trust for them both has completely gone. They aren’t the people I thought they were, but they are still my husbands parents and my daughters grandparents.

I’m sad and shocked this wasn’t delt with properly all this time ago....

I think we just both wish it would/could go back to how things were before, happy loving family, I guess it’s coming to terms with it and doing what is best for our family (the 3 of us) as Ultimately that’s what matters the most....

Would love to know your thoughts and views....

Many thanks for reading.

I’m not sure how people are getting from what I’ve written that I condone what’s happened.

I DONT WANT CONTACT WITH MY FIL OR MIL, I am so far to my knowledge the only person who has stood up and outright blamed them for how my SIL turned out.

I’ve tried to write this out so you can get all the information.

Among other Tiggytape has hit the nail on the head and I really appreciate the input, however there’s no need to swear and us or this thread, I’m not the base person and nor is my husband.

I was looking on for here for input and help, not people being rude, asking if I’m stupid.

As someone else said, it’s like my husband is having to deal with grief, he’s world has just come crashing down around him, he’s found out his “hero” is a pervert, his darling mother is a pervert supporter, and nothing will ever be the same again, they might as well not be around.

That’s got to hurt...

I feel terrible for the SIL. Have you or your husband tried to contact her?

MOSAC, is another good organisation that may be able to provide advice for your husband. His whole family history has been destroyed and he needs to rethink his future relationship with his parents, grief is a very normal part of this process. His love may be unconditional but his acceptance should not be. I would also question how unconditional his love would be if his father had already sexually abused his dd. Disbelief, minimisation and anger are also very common responses talking to someone who familiar with this may help, some of the organisations talked about have helplines.

Firstly I want to say how sorry I am that this has been visited on you OP. It’s nothing short of shocking and I’m not surprised that you and your husband feel absolutely all over the place with it all. The positive thing is that you are now being armed with knowledge that will keep your child safe, which is paramount. Social services are not coming to see you to punish you for something you have done. You have done nothing wrong, and you know this. They need to complete an assessment of risk, which should include detailed discussions with you mother in law and yourselves about your ability to protect your child, should you want her to have supervised contact with her grandad. Reading your original post, I would find it very concerning if they were to agree to your mother in law being able to supervise that contact alone. She knew about the abuse, yet did not share this with you and stayed in her marriage, both red flags for me.

From your daughter's point of view, I would be beyond angry if I grew up to find out that my parents had allowed me access to a paedophile, supervised or not.

How well do we really know anyone? Even family members who we feel close to?

Statistics claim that one child in every class in the country will experience sexual abuse - it sounds like there is a lot more of it around than we might at first believe.

How well does your dh know his parents - how well do any of us? Whilst not condoning MIL and the decisions she made - we don't know if she was/is abused by FIL or indeed her father/brother/uncle etc.

If she is/was a victim too.

I agree with op - no contact is the only safe way forward. You and your DP will need to access further support to process your feelings about this.

I don't think it helps at all to air personal feelings of disgust and inflame the situation. I also think that a man attracted to a teen is unlikely to be equally attracted to a baby - however abhorrent both are. I think its unfair of pp to focus on this for horror purposes although again I wouldn't want to falsely minimise any risk and would reiterate that no contact is the only way forward.

Once he has had time to accept what has happened I expect your dh will reach same opinion otherwise he is at risk of repeating his dm's pattern of behaviour and leaving his child open to abuse which I am sure you will not allow.

Remember this is more common than we realise and that any shame does not belong in your or your dh's heart. Whilst I understand the desire to hide it all under the carpet it's often better to get it out in the open.

People have the right to know the truth in order to make appropriate decisions. This will be true of your wider community who are likely to find out and change their behaviour towards you - therefore it's easier and more honest if they hear it from you first - however difficult this is.

It is perfectly ok to go NC and not feel you are depriving anyone of anything - it's more that you are protecting your most valuable of treasures as far as is humanly possible.

CV123, what a dreadful, dreadful shock. I am so sorry.

For now, I would just deal with each day as it comes. Many of the things you are worrying about may Well be sorted out by the courts and SS. And by the reaction of the rest of the family.

It will also be easier, perhaps, when the whole family know.

This is tricky because your DH is not in favour at the moment but I would want to be in contact with your SIL.

Firstly because she is the first and foremost victim here.
secondly because my bet is that the story she has to tell is worse than the little list of specific ‘touches ‘ and that knowing more of what actually happened and how she felt might help clarify some of your DH’s conflictions.

Thirdly because, hell though things are now, she has done you a huge favour. It must have taken such courage to take this to the police. Without her bravery you would have sailed happily on, close to your ILs, while your Dd at 11, 12, 13 continued to be with her beloved, trusted grandad. And been abused. Your SIL has saved her. MIL would not have, you and your DH could not have, you didn’t have the facts. SIL has saved her, and she deserves to know that someone from her background steps away from her mother and step father and says ‘we believe you’.

But it may take longer for your DH to absorb all this. He has been brainwashed about his sister his entire life.

So, so sorry you are dealing with this, OP.

Apologies I realise that my post sounded a little harsh. You came back on to say you thought you had misled us about your mother in law. You hadn't you had given us enough information to see just how nasty she is. The fact that it was your husband who said those things about his own sister is exactly how emotional abuse works. If he had known about the abuse he would have thought differently.

I honestly don't think you need to be worrying about having to bump in to your FIL at christenings etc. It is a fairly standard part of probation that child sex offenders are not allowed to go to events where they know there are children. If he went there he would go straight to jail. The reason other relatives do not have social services involment is because they are not as closely related but he would not be allowed to see them either.

If your daughter never sees her grandparents again it is not you or your husband who have deprived her or a relationship with her grandparents. They have deprived her of a chance to know them by being terrible people. They have also deprived your husband of having a relationship with his sister. Your daughter would never be able to do the kinds of things like days out most people do with their GPs. When she is older she will thank you both for protecting her.

OP, it must be hard to hear the anger and outrage in many of the posts. But many many MNers are posting knowing how SIL felt : feels. From the position of havjng been abused.

The thing Tiggy talks of is SUCH an issue. If your Dd develops affection for FIL when she is young she will have to be told as she gets older and more independent. And she will
then feel as betrayed and shocked as your DH does now.

SS are there to help you: you may like to ask their advice on a range of things, including this. Jot down a list of questions and concerns?

I feel sure they could get a message to SIL, too, if your DH eventually comes round to this. Just a card “We believe you, that took courage, we wish you well “.

What an awful shock for you. I also think you are minimising.

SS: you listen to them, you express your utter horror that all this is coming out and you ask their advice on how best to proceed. It is quite right they are involved.

PILs: would never see my child again - ever. Not in company, not in a group, not alone. I would also be alerting everyone else in the family with young children.

He’s potentially extremely dangerous. He’s acted on his impulses in the past and you have no idea what else he has done. FIL is an abuser, MIL is an enabler. The only option here is that they never see your child/ren again.

A child can not defend themselves - he’s already ruined SILs childhood and caused her terrible anguish. Think of your child here.

Your husband was lucky to have been born a boy otherwise he would’ve no doubt been abused too.

Your poor SIL, no wonder she went off the rails like she did.

I realise it is an awful thing for your husband to come to terms with but I believe you must insist on them not seeing your children. If I grew up knowing I had been in contact with a known paedophile when I was younger I would be angry, confused and hurt. If he wants to keep in touch then fine, but they gave up their right to have any relationship with their grandchildren a long time ago.

You cannot let people like this get away with their awful behaviour.

I also think that your husband is probably in shock - his entire childhood has been rewritten.

He could probably benefit from talking this through with someone who is a professional in the field and from SS, who can perhaps just give an outsiders point of view.

I agree with another poster than you owe your SIL a debt of gratitude here. She’s been carrying this all her life, she’s finally found the immense courage to bring it to light. The trigger for that may partially have been knowing that you have a small daughter. When DH is ready, I think he should reach out to her, tell her he believes her, and thank her.

It’s an awful situation OP - of course you’re reeling. Be strong. Take SSs help.

Hi OP. This is awful for you because your husband's wonderful parents have turned out to be a terrible danger to young children.

Your SIL is living the consequences of what FIL did. Your MIL has shown that in the face of those consequences she blames the victim and sticks by the abuser.

Imaging your daughter in SILs position and your questions are answered.

So sorry for your loss.

I have never met my SIL - I knew from the beginning she wasn’t apart of the family and was told from the age of 15 onwards she would steal money from family and friends, did drugs; including whilst looking after my husband and his nephew. She tried to kill herself once too, married a “nutcase”, and her mother (my MIL) didn’t speak to her and very few knew where she was, only a rough idea on which county. My husband hasn’t seen her since he was about 18.

All of this SCREAMS that she was a very troubled, hurt and angry child. And can you blame her, when her father has abused her and her mother has not protected her.

Yes - she does deserve justice, and thank heavens she is being taken seriously.

Like others have said - do not let these people anywhere near your child or any other children you may have. Your FIL has admitted to some abuse - I'm sure there will be much more that he has denied (probably wants to look reasonably confessing to comparatively minor "touching" episodes). There inmost likely a number of young girls that he has abused - and I can tell you that lives can be ruined by actions that people dismiss as "trivial". Nothing is trivial in a situation like this.

Your poor SIL has had her life torn apart. This vile man's actions (and his wife's dismissive attitude to them) will certainly have been contributory in pushing her into drugs etc, and could well have been THE cause - yet your SIL is the one blamed for being difficult and causing problems in the family.

My heart aches for her. Make sure it doesn't happen to your daughter. You sound very sensible and I'm sure you will protect her - deal with her questions in the future when she asks them Don't worry about them now.

Holding you all in my prayers. This is an awful bombshell to deal with.

In my line of work I come into contact with paedophiles and have heard these comments : No child is too young. They like it. It's ok as long as you don't hurt them. They like it.
I've also seen men re offend even after going to prison and being on a SOTP (sex offender treatment programme)
I've seen wives stick by their husbands even if they've been convicted of the worst category of offending (he blamed his own childhood) only to return to doing it again after release from a lengthy sentence.
I've seen men trade photos of their own children ( normal clothed photos) to gain access to photos for w**k material.
Sadly most prison sentences/ treatment programmes do not work.
Would I let a known paedophile even be in the same room as my child ? I'll leave you to answer that one.

This strikes me as one of those situations were there is a pressing need to take some swift and decisive action. Sort out a lot of the feelings later, but take swift action now to protect both your child and other children. Once those measures are firmly in place, sort out the emotional fallout thoroughly. But only once everyone is safe.

In a nutshell you need to behave as your MIL should have behaved all those years ago when she found her husband was abusing her child.

I would approach it like this:

1. Immediate and public repudiation of PILs. Not just NC. Cut all contact and tell anyone who will listen why. This includes letting other family members/friends/neighbours with children know what is happening, and letting SS/the Police know about your PILs involvement with any children.
2. Cut all contact with any family members/friends who stand by PILs. It will create a safe environment for your daughter. It will stop any “well-meaning” interlopers dripping poison into the ear of your DD or DH about “granddad/grandma love you/miss you” over the years. Or passing in photos. It will also show solidarity with the victim.
3. You need to reach out to the SIL who was abused. You don’t know where she lives, so find out. Someone will know, or a private dectective can find out. Or she will be at court. You need to be sincere and wholehearted but leave it totally up to her whether she wants contact. If she does, you have to see her as hurt, not follow the pack of lies her family has concocted about her. Rebuilding a relationship with her might take years of sincere, consistent, concerted effort. But remember, she is the only member of the family who is honest. She paid a very high price for her honesty and courage. She was shunned and blackened for speaking out. She was failed. She deserves much, much better than she got. Put that right.
4. Be honest with your DD about why her grandparents aren’t in her life. With an appropriate level of detail at different ages. But you will need to be vigilant about things like secret contact, chance meetings and so on. She deserves enough knowledge to keep her safe for the rest of her life. She needs to know that she can’t trust her grandparents (and possibly wider family members if they maintain contact) and she needs to know why when she is old enough. Those are very difficult conversations to have. But they are a walk in the park compared to the potential alternative- trying to put your daughter back together after being abused by her grandfather.

Professionally I came into contact with someone who had been repeatedly raped by her grandfather as a child and teenager (she and her husband volunteered together at a charity Where I worked). She had a very hard life. Teens and twenties very troubled. Met her husband in her late twenties and went into recovery. Felt unable to have children as she felt she wouldn’t be able to keep them safe. Unable to work outside the home, unable to leave the house unless her husband was with her, as she felt unsafe around men. Lots of very, very difficult and often heartbreaking therapy. I don’t think she was ever able to “move on”, she was deeply and permanently scarred. I don’t think you want that for your daughter. Anything but swift and decisive action now runs the risk of that.

And then your DH, you and your DD will need therapy/counselling to make sense of it all. But safety comes first. And, I think you will struggle to ever make any emotional sense of the past if you don’t realise that how your PILs feel means nothing and how your SIL feels means everything. Your DH will have legitimate and valid feelings and reactions to this, but really your SILs feelings need to be your best guide. Her reaction was get the hell out and cut contact. She was the one who suffered the abuse, so she is the person whose behaviour tells you how awful the consequences of abuse are. The only way she could deal with it was cut all contact, that’s your only legitimate avenue. Thankfully for your DD, cutting all contact is still a preventative measure not a reactive one. Get out whilst that still holds.

I've never heard anyone describe their family as "perfect". This, along with your husbands assurance that he loves them unconditionally is a red flag. I'm sorry to say I think there's probably more to this story.

This went through my mind, too Rogue. As a child OP's husband may have known that "something" was wrong, but repressed that knowledge and built a protective "perfect family" illusion for himself.

The blame isn't his - children protect themselves as best they can, and being small and young they are very vulnerable.

If you read back all your posts you will see that even though you acknowledge what your parents in law have done you have actually said some nice things about them, expressed concern about how they will cope and contemplated allowing your daughter ( and future children) to continue to have a relationship with them.
Whilst you have acknowledged that your sister in law was a victim and the abuse was probably the cause of her behaviour you have said some very harsh things about her. This shows the negative impact your parents in law have had on your family. Even you have been co-opted into the abuse of your sister in law by being pursuaded by your mother in law to ban her from your wedding. She must have been terrified that she would say something.

In an abusive family no one emerges unscathed. It is heartbreaking that your husband believes that his mother stayed with his father for his benefit. To be brutal no one stays with a child sex abuser for the benefit of their child. She stayed for her own benefit. Your poor husband clearly feels an obligation to them. His reaction to the abuse was to send him a text telling his parents he loved them unconditionally. Other posters have pointed out that it is not your parents you love unconditionally it is your child. They have put the obligation they should have felt towards him onto him. That is a terrible burden for anyone to bear.

You sound like a lovely person who wants the best for her husband and daughter. You have also had the most hideous shock. However they are not your parents. You can help your husband to deal with this.

OP, I just want to say how sorry I am that this has been visited on you and your daughter, who are both blameless. However, there is an air of complicity about your DH - his response, his feelings for his parents and the victim, that you must be very wary of. Protect your child at all costs. Her father was raised by a paedophile, he will have boundary issues as a result of that. So be very very careful. Make sure there is no way your DH can take his daughter to visit his parents - realistically you cannot rely on him to ensure she is always completely safe with them.

I think you are working through and processing the shock and you will come to see that your daughter must have no contact with your FIL. It cannot be safe unless you are there all the time and you do not need to put yourself through that. The issue with the MIL is harder, but do not ever let her spend time with your daughter without you there. Do not rely on her or your husband to protect your daughter. Look to their treatment of his last victim. Child abusers are cunning and manipulative and he will manipulate your MIL and husband.

Please look after yourself and prioritise yourself as well as your daughter, because she needs your resolute emotional strength to protect her from this family member. Again, I am so sorry you are gong through this.

I am sorry Op but I would not be able to love or respect my dh if he continued to have a relationship with his parents after finding out that his father is a child abusing paedophile and that his mother is an enabler whom puts her adult husbands needs over her own children. She is guilty by her own silence.

Your dh is seriously stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

OP. I have sadly been through pretty much exactly the same situation, but it was my parents. So I can see it from your husbands perspective completely. I wasn’t abused in any way but an older half sibling was. I went NC with my dad, and very very low contact with my mum as I can’t get over the fact that she supported my father over her own daughter. I didn’t find any of this out until they split when I was 20, and it happened shortly before I was born .

It is definitely like going through grief.

Please feel free to PM me if I can help in any way to talk through this.

Perhaps, given your DH’s stance and your odd responses, it is best that Social Services keep a watchful eye on your situation to ensure that your tiny daughter isn’t subjected to the same abuse as her Aunt or worse.

Reading through this it is hard to understand why you would want to maintain a superficial contact with two people who are so abhorrent. Or indeed with your abuser excuser husband who will most probably take your child round to see these people without your knowledge because ‘they are perfect parents who he loves unconditionally’ and your ‘off the rails’ sister in law is to blame (why else would your DH not want anything to do with her?!).

I hope that you manage to keep your daughter safe and protected from all of them and that you tell everyone around them what a horror they are so that they may keep their precious children safe as well.

Also, given that THEY told you what happened and not SS, I would be checking what the real story is. It is quite possible that he did more than what they have disclosed to you. They have lied and decimated the character of your SIL for thirty years (where do you think your DH got his opinions of SIL from?) so why would you accept anything that they tell you as truth.

If you maintain contact, would you do as your MIL did and turn a blind eye to your daughter’s agony if/when she is molested, raped, mentally tortured and violated? So that you may continue to be married? Your MIL is just as bad as he is.

Look at your daughter and imagine that someone has put their hand in her child vagina. Would you destroy her reputation and reject her and enjoy being with the person who did that to her? Very odd that your anger for a person who would do that will ‘fade over time’.

Should your FIL say to your Mil ‘if you don’t bring me my granddaughter so that I may abuse her then you will be an old woman alone and I will leave you’ do you honestly think, given her history, that she wouldn’t offer up your daughter as she did her own? She knew of the abuse and did nothing to protect her own lovely baby-yours will be easy peasy to surrender.

Your DH is not of sound mind to even consider being around these people BUT he has had decades of them feeding him bullshit. He is groomed. Perhaps your FIL abused him before a time he can remember or perhaps he has blocked it out? Perhaps he just doesn’t want to deal with the awfulness of what really happened to the sister he has shut out of his life and feels guilt etc.
This means that he is compromised right now. These are not your parents and YOU need to be the one who approaches this rationally and guides him through this. YOU dictate what happens with contact as he is not thinking clearly. YOU are the person who can protect your daughter from ‘going off the rails’. Please, don’t let her down. Your marriage is much less important than her safety.

The thing is, yes your DH and of course you, have been blameless.

up to the point that you found out.

After that, your actions are your own so keep in mind that if you do continue any sort of contact, you are knowingly putting your child in the path of a paedophile and, you are just the same as your MIL who knew and accepted it.

I couldn’t live with that. And I sure as shit wouldn’t stay married to a man who could.

Poggins says

Your husband was lucky to have been born a boy otherwise he -would’ve no doubt been abused too.

This is not true at all. No child is safe - regardless of gender.

There was this lecherous old man who lived near my family. Everyone accused his teenage step-daughter of lying about her step-father to split the family up. (There was a massive age gap between him and wife). When he had his own children everyone believed they'd be safe, but any concerns were focused his daughters. When his son , reported sexual abuse - everyone acted as if they didn't believe him but it later turned out all of the children had been sexually abused although to a lesser extent. His female full-siblings told everyone he was making it up even though they themselves had been abused by their father.

I think that in many cases, paedophiles will start of by abusing their step-children and then go onto their 'own' children. I'm not sure if they distinguish between the two.

I think there is probably more abuse to come to light.