What would you do? Historical child sex abuse within the family

[CV123x]

A week ago we were told my by husbands parents that my husbands half sister has reported his father to the police for touching her 30 years ago.

He has been arrested for historic child sex abuse, and has made his statement, we believe has also been to court - but now awaiting her reply for it go further ie crown/magistrates.

He admitted that he touched her on 4 separate occasions, 4 times of which he touched her breasts and once that he touched her vagina.

We were told this happened when my husband was a baby he is currently 30, so providing he was around 1 - she would have been around 12-13 years old.

She is accusing him of more, watching her in the bathroom, asking her to come into his bedroom and going into hers, for touching.

This is the first time my husband had any knowledge of this and understandably is shocked, sad, angry, disgusted, and is all over the place to be quite honest.

We have a 1 year old daughter, and his parents have told us that his father must only have supervised contact with our daughter. That we are to receive a letter to formally be told of the authorities findings.

We considered ourselves to be a close loving family, we saw his parents regularly, they had looked after our daughter on a few occasions.

His parents told us that the step daughter had told a school friend/the school all that time ago, that mum was called in to school and the social services were involved all that time ago - but there was no police involvement.

We haven’t received a letter, but have had a phone call from Social Services. They asked me firstly if I knew why they were calling, then told me to say why and what it was about, then asked how we knew. Our thoughts and feelings, how we have taken It and what we are going to do going forward. She decided to send someone around for a visit which we are due to have sometime next week.

We’re now all in limbo and keep talking things over and over. Our lives have been completely turned upside down.

My husband is sad because he loves his parents, and he had a wonderful upbringing, and they have always done right by him. He doesn’t want to cut ties with them as he says they are still his parents and that love is unconditional.

However we are finding it hard to deal with, we’ve only known ourselves for 6 days and already we’re had SS call and now arranging a visit.

My thoughts -

I can’t condone what he has done, there’s absolutely no defending or excusing his behaviour.

I’m sad that his mum knew, but still stood by him. I’m so angry about this, that she’s knowingly let my daughter around him. Why has she never told her son, did they think that because SS had involvement all that time ago it was over and it would never come back to haunt them.
I guess why tell their son if they thought he never needed to know? She’d already got 3 kids from a previous failed marriage, perhaps she didn’t want to be left bringing up 4 kids by herself, although the second youngest would have been 12-13 and the other two a few years older, So hardly young. Did she not want her son to grow up without a father, or only seeing him now and then. Did she think bringing him up with them both together the best option. Would my husband been the man he is today (the most wonderful husband ever) if they didn’t do what they did? What would it of achieved telling him say when he was 16 what would that of done to him? Do I wish I didn’t marry my husband and have a baby with him - no I bloody don’t. It wouldn’t have changed the fact I fell in love with him. It’s a huge shame we’ve ended up not having the family we thought we had. Id love to know your thoughts regarding his mother

My husbands thoughts

He doesn’t want to punish his mother but says she has some serious answering to do.

He has told them via text at the moment that they are still his parents and he loves them unconditionally, but he needs space and time.

He believes we should take a half half approach going forward, they never look after our daughter again, but we don’t deprive them or our daughter of their/her granddaughter/grandparents, but visits are with us present, and either we go to them or they come to us. That his dad can never attend any of her birthday parties, due to other peoples children in attendance, that we only see them on bigger occasions, birthdays etc and not to much on other times.

Currently we can’t even think of anything worse than being in there company, as we are still coming to terms with the news, and going over and over thoughts and feelings. We are yet to tell them they are uninvited to ours for Christmas.

However we have SS coming around next week, we’re angry and honestly pissed off that we now have them involved with our family, my husband and I are good parents, and now we feel as if we are on trial. I know they are looking out for our child, but what do they want from us?? To tell them we hate his father, that our daughter will never be seeing him again, because as “perfect parents” you shouldn’t want your child around a pervert, because they are right you shouldn’t, but do we now stop our daughter and any future children from knowing their granddad until they are of age we have to explain all this to them, instead of keeping some kind of normality...?
would love to know your thoughts on contact or no contact

My husband and I will take it Day by day week by week as to our relationship with the both of them, as me personally I don’t even want to talk to them right now, I couldn’t think of anything worse than being in their company, however I do understand they are my husbands parents and anytime and any contact he wishes to have with them nu himself is up to him.
I’m sure things Will get easier as time goes on with our relationship with them both (without our child and future children)

How do we know how things will be in months years decades time... im not sure what SS is expecting of us, we feel it’s a test if you say we may see them in time for occasions with our daughter in the future but it will never be unsupervised - will we flag up as shit parents, like we condone what he done??? Are we just as bad as I feel his mother is? Knowing all this time.... you shouldn’t want your child in the company of a pervert, but should you deprive your child of a grandparent(s)?? Kids aren’t blind nor stupid, but 5+ they’ll start to ask questions, how do I do right by my child? I’d never knowingly, on purpose or want to put my child at risk.
But if we feel we can move on and have some sort of relationship with his parents, do we lie to our children to say they are working or busy, what when they ask questions why don’t they see them etc.

At the moment we don’t know if his father will get a suspended sentence or the 6 months to 10 years his solicitor has prepared him for..
So how long he stays on the sex offenders register depends on that, IF he got 6months or under he would be 7 years on the register - so what then? He’s a huge danger from now until 2024/5 then all of a sudden he’s no longer a danger. The system just all seems a bit odd.

There is no doubt that things will never be the same again, but do we go NC or do we “meet in the middle”? I know i’ll always be watching him around my child and future children, and my trust for them both has completely gone. They aren’t the people I thought they were, but they are still my husbands parents and my daughters grandparents.

I’m sad and shocked this wasn’t delt with properly all this time ago....

I think we just both wish it would/could go back to how things were before, happy loving family, I guess it’s coming to terms with it and doing what is best for our family (the 3 of us) as Ultimately that’s what matters the most....

Would love to know your thoughts and views....

Many thanks for reading.

That poor sister. Abused and dumped by the lot of them.

What a disgusting lot.

Sorry to say, but I agree with PP. I’ve never heard anyone describe their love of a parent as unconditional.

And every single one of them turned on that sister...I don’t know. Something doesn’t seem right.

Even the fact that you’re talking about still seeing them and eventually getting over it (paraphrasing) seems that you’re being groomed and conditioned to toe the line.

I cannot bring myself to speak to relatives of mine who have been told of historical sexual abuse and have done nothing about it, have said 'it was different times then', said, 'they did their best at the time', and 'it would do more harm than good to drag it all up now'. We missed a big family party last year because of it.

For the sake of every other girl who has been in this position, has had it overshadow her whole life, has suffered from knowing that the damage to her was the price she paid to keep the family together, please don't let this be minimised and brushed aside. All those who do, are complicit in normalising sexual abuse.

Imagine the life your sister in law would have had if her mother had wrapped her up in her arms, told her she believed her, moved out and concentrated on rebuilding her daughter and allowing her to heal.

Tell all of your husband's relatives that you will no longer allow your daughter to spend time with your FIL and tell them why.

If your sister in law has recently made this allegation to the police, the police know where she is, you could attempt to speak to the police liaison officer and send her a message of support.

You cannot know what went on between them or the extent of the abuse. But know that most cases of sexual assault never make it to this stage and consider the implications of those facts on a case that is 30 years old.

I think she is the same age as me, roughly. I remember there being prominent newspaper stories in the 1980's about false recollections of child abuse and the damage that they caused. Unfortunately, the focus at that time on the false allegations had a hugely detrimental effect on children experiencing abuse as they were less likely to report and less likely to be believed.

Research into child abuse concludes that as few as one in ten cases of child sex abuse is reported and that false allegations represent between 2 and 10 per cent of those cases reported.

Sadly, this misogynistic bias of the media continues as they continue to focus on the 0.05% of cases where false allegations rather than the 90% of unreported cases or those cases that are reported and never convicted. Don't let her be part of the silent suffering majority, speak up for her in the hope that one day, someone will speak up for your daughter or that we can change the world and that our daughters will not have to suffer the normalised sexual abuse that our generation and previous generations of women have.

This must be a horrific thing to go through.

What strikes me very strongly is that your mother in law also abused her daughter. She did a lot more than turn a blind eye to the abuse but all the horrible things that were said about your poor sister in law. Her personality was trashed from a young age.The fact that she attempted suicied at such a young age shows how seriously this affected her.

As hard as it must be you need to help your husband come to accept this.

I would be genuinely astonished if your father in law was invited to family parties after this. No one would want someone with his history there. He would be getting off very lightly if he had a suspended sentence. You said yourself that his solicitor was preparing him for prison. People who have a conviction for child sex offences are often banned from coming within a certain distance of schools so going to any event with children seems unlikely even if he avoids jail.

I think that the only option is for you daughter to never see either of them again. How could you explain to your daughter why she can't be in the same room as him without you there? When the shock of this has sunk in maybe you will see it.

Wow... how horrific for you. Truthfully I would be worried. The hiding of it from your mother in law, the down playing of the situation and the way they it particularly the mother treated the daughter afterwards/during. I’m not in your shoes so I don’t know what I would do in the same circumstances, but my instincts would be to distance myself and let social services advise you. I would consider speaking to the sister too to get het side of the story ASAP so you have both sides of the story before you make a decision.

NC with PIL.

In time, reconnect with SIL.

I have no sympathy for Defenders of Child Abusers... NONE..

your MIL enabled this Man and called her own Child a Liar ... this is unforgivable... no matter how much time has passed ....

my sympathies lie with your poor SIL ...

Thank you all for the continued input on this.

I’d like to point out however, although sure your thoughts would stay the same, but I’d hate to of mislead you by me not explaining properly...

It wasn’t actually my MIL and FIL that spoke so badly of my SIL it was actually my husband, however he only knew half the story and to him just had a sister that acted badly, now he has explanation on what would of caused such acts.
His mother did ask when we got married that my SIL wouldn’t be invited, and they have no involvement or contact with her which I think speaks for its self, and if my husband could talk about my SIL like that when he did also say that she was the half sibling he was he was most close to out of the 3.

I do believe my SIL as much walked away from them as they gave up on her...

My MIL knew not at the time of the abuse, but after when it was brought to the attention of the school and SS 30 years ago, but yes she stuck by him, and looked as if she condoned such a thing.

But now your husband does know.

And the fact that his first instinct wasn’t to keep his daughter as far away as humanly possible speaks volumes.

Yes, it’s shocking, yes it’s awful but he’s a Dad. He should want his child away from someone who could do unspeakable harm to her.

And even if he never touched her, imagine him being sexually aroused by her. Imagine that and then imagine you all continuing to have him anywhere near her.

Who, with even basic human decency would do that to a child?

I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened. It must be a massive shock to you all. Please don't worry about the social services visit. They are not there to trick you or catch you out. They will just be checking you understand the risks and how to keep your daughter safe.
In terms of contact, it may be wise until meeting with your social worker to hold off any contact with paternal grandfather and ask for the social workers advice moving forward, especially in terms of supervised contact and letter box contact.
Best of luck with everything. This must be so hard for you all 😕

"I do believe my SIL as much walked away from them as they gave up on her... "

WTF. tbh I think this shows a real lack of understanding from you of what has gone on here. They didn't "give up on her" - they abused her in the worst possible way and then failed to deal with the consequences. She didn't "walk away from them" - she was put in such an unbelievably awful position that this was her only choice to survive. It's not some - "well there's fault on both sides" kind of a scenario. AT ALL. I get that this is very difficult for you - I really do - but you are really not getting whats happened.

Her step father stuck his hand in her vagina at the age of 14 and her mother did nothing about it when she told her. Frankly that's all you need to know. There are no two sides to this story.

"but yes she stuck by him, and looked as if she condoned such a thing." Not "as if" = she DID condone it by staying with him. (and tbh she really might have known what was happening).

These are two awful people. Yes this is difficult for you - but part of this being difficult shouldn't be you getting to the conclusion that they really are awful, there really are no excuses, your SIL really has been the victim of unbelievable abuse which is the reason for all of her fuckedupness and you really should never ever talk to these people or let them near your daughter again.

Of COURSE she walked away from them.

They ABUSED her.

Fucking hell.

What are you thinking? Your SIL deserves every sympathy and support. I would not even consider letting your FIL anywhere near your daughter, EVER. Whether your husband wants to have contact with his parents is his concern, but it must not involve your children. What on earth his mother is doing standing by his father I cannot think.

What tiggy said. And venus.
Seriously!

OMFG! She fucking condone it and your SIL was at no fault to fucking walk away from the disgraceful dirty bastards your in-laws are.

Keep your daughter away. If you don’t then you suffer the consequences.

He is a fucking child abuser. Don’t you get that? No contact OP.

It’s a shock but you need to and your husband act like they’ve both died - and do you know what - it’s their actions and these are the consequences. Protect your baby from him.

This happened in my family, albeit slightly less close to home (one of my cousins brought 'historic' child sex abuse claims against an older cousin). Accused cousin was found guilty and sent to prison (albeit a woefully short sentence).

We cut all contact with the guilty cousin. We 100% supported and believed the victim. The guilty cousin's parents and siblings supported him 100%, didn't believe he had done it, and it turns out parents had known at the time as victim had told them (as much as a young child can 'tell') when she was staying at their house. I no longer speak to any of them.

It has caused rifts in our family, but what is the alternative? I cannot be around child abusers or apologists, and I would never allow my children around them.

HotDamn I hope I don’t sound condescending if I thank you for doing right by your cousin.

How well do you know your parents in law? It seems like you are minimising their behaviour.

I could understand why your husband would do this as this has forced him to re evaluate his whole childhood. And with parents as horrific as your in laws sound ( even when you are trying to defend them) he is bound to have a skewed version of what a normal family is. Of course the poor sister walked away.

If this had happened today not 30 years ago your MIL would never be able to see any of her children again as she is unable to protect her children or prioritise their needs. What she did is emotional abuse. Your DH was a baby when the abuse happened. His views on his sister have been highly mediated by his parents.

You need to see that these people should not be any where near your child. They are still a risk as they don't accept what they did was wrong. If they seriously expect too ever be allowed to see your daughter again and for FIL to avoid jail then they don't get it. You shouldn't need to tell them they can't come for Christmas. If they think that that is a remote possibility they don't understand the gravity of what they have both done for the last 30 years.

If you don't accept the gravity of the situation and help your husband too you are putting your daughter and any future children at risk.

Has social services visited you yet?

Your PIL didn't give up on her, her step father actively sexually assaulted her and her mother actively chose to protect him rather than her daughter. They both actively allowed a story to be invented about your SIL and her behaviour. At any point when your husband was growing up did they say, "Oh, we know SIL is just like that because FIL was sexually assaulting her, don't we" Of course they didn't, it suited them to have her blamed for her behaviour. If your DH was sexually assaulting you would stay or would you leave? Leaving an abusive situation is hard but it is always the right thing to do.
Your MIL cut her dd out of her life to maintain a relationship with the man she knew had sexually abused him. Ask yourself what could your dd do that would cause you to do that? Does being the victim of a sexual assault seem a reasonable thing to cut all contact with her for, really? These people are not the people you thought they were.

Not condescending, at all, MadMags.

To be honest, it wasn't all that hard. Any time I got a gut wrenching feeling about all the rifts it was causing in our family, I just thought of my cousin as child and what happened to her, and it made me strong and not doubt our (me, DH (who was very badly affected and is murderous over the situation), my parents and sister's) decision to cut all contact. I know they felt the same.

Nothing is as bad as abusing a child. We can all take the hit, because ultimately the worst thing anyone went through in this situation was what my cousin went through as a child .

Not him, her. Sorry.

The abuser wouldn't be seeing hide nor hair of me or my child ever again.

So is it acceptable to you that your father in law thinks sexually about your daughter? That your mother in law doesn't mind that he does.

You think your sister in law walked away from them? Thank God she did. Who knows what went on there and the person who she should be able to trust most in the world abandoned her for the person who done the mist unspeakable things to her

They are disgusting human beings both of them. And if you do think about seeing them honestly then I would be very worried about social services visit

You are minimising sexual abuse of a child. Give yourself a long hard look in the mirror and PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER

The monsters aren't outside. You are wanting to allow them access to your most precious thing

I do not thik you should let see your DD at all,

I also don't think you should let them do the discolure as and when it suits them.

1. Theey stay in control of the narrative. They knew you would be contacted so told it all, but nothing hinders them minimising it with the rest of the family

1. It locks your family in a situation of keeping his secret. You should not be responsable for this.

3.How can you be sure he really intends on telling the others?

I would contact the family member about the christening and explain that you won't be coming with DD if the inlaws come and give the reason why. Other children will be at risk of no one knows.