What would you do? Historical child sex abuse within the family

[CV123x]

A week ago we were told my by husbands parents that my husbands half sister has reported his father to the police for touching her 30 years ago.

He has been arrested for historic child sex abuse, and has made his statement, we believe has also been to court - but now awaiting her reply for it go further ie crown/magistrates.

He admitted that he touched her on 4 separate occasions, 4 times of which he touched her breasts and once that he touched her vagina.

We were told this happened when my husband was a baby he is currently 30, so providing he was around 1 - she would have been around 12-13 years old.

She is accusing him of more, watching her in the bathroom, asking her to come into his bedroom and going into hers, for touching.

This is the first time my husband had any knowledge of this and understandably is shocked, sad, angry, disgusted, and is all over the place to be quite honest.

We have a 1 year old daughter, and his parents have told us that his father must only have supervised contact with our daughter. That we are to receive a letter to formally be told of the authorities findings.

We considered ourselves to be a close loving family, we saw his parents regularly, they had looked after our daughter on a few occasions.

His parents told us that the step daughter had told a school friend/the school all that time ago, that mum was called in to school and the social services were involved all that time ago - but there was no police involvement.

We haven’t received a letter, but have had a phone call from Social Services. They asked me firstly if I knew why they were calling, then told me to say why and what it was about, then asked how we knew. Our thoughts and feelings, how we have taken It and what we are going to do going forward. She decided to send someone around for a visit which we are due to have sometime next week.

We’re now all in limbo and keep talking things over and over. Our lives have been completely turned upside down.

My husband is sad because he loves his parents, and he had a wonderful upbringing, and they have always done right by him. He doesn’t want to cut ties with them as he says they are still his parents and that love is unconditional.

However we are finding it hard to deal with, we’ve only known ourselves for 6 days and already we’re had SS call and now arranging a visit.

My thoughts -

I can’t condone what he has done, there’s absolutely no defending or excusing his behaviour.

I’m sad that his mum knew, but still stood by him. I’m so angry about this, that she’s knowingly let my daughter around him. Why has she never told her son, did they think that because SS had involvement all that time ago it was over and it would never come back to haunt them.
I guess why tell their son if they thought he never needed to know? She’d already got 3 kids from a previous failed marriage, perhaps she didn’t want to be left bringing up 4 kids by herself, although the second youngest would have been 12-13 and the other two a few years older, So hardly young. Did she not want her son to grow up without a father, or only seeing him now and then. Did she think bringing him up with them both together the best option. Would my husband been the man he is today (the most wonderful husband ever) if they didn’t do what they did? What would it of achieved telling him say when he was 16 what would that of done to him? Do I wish I didn’t marry my husband and have a baby with him - no I bloody don’t. It wouldn’t have changed the fact I fell in love with him. It’s a huge shame we’ve ended up not having the family we thought we had. Id love to know your thoughts regarding his mother

My husbands thoughts

He doesn’t want to punish his mother but says she has some serious answering to do.

He has told them via text at the moment that they are still his parents and he loves them unconditionally, but he needs space and time.

He believes we should take a half half approach going forward, they never look after our daughter again, but we don’t deprive them or our daughter of their/her granddaughter/grandparents, but visits are with us present, and either we go to them or they come to us. That his dad can never attend any of her birthday parties, due to other peoples children in attendance, that we only see them on bigger occasions, birthdays etc and not to much on other times.

Currently we can’t even think of anything worse than being in there company, as we are still coming to terms with the news, and going over and over thoughts and feelings. We are yet to tell them they are uninvited to ours for Christmas.

However we have SS coming around next week, we’re angry and honestly pissed off that we now have them involved with our family, my husband and I are good parents, and now we feel as if we are on trial. I know they are looking out for our child, but what do they want from us?? To tell them we hate his father, that our daughter will never be seeing him again, because as “perfect parents” you shouldn’t want your child around a pervert, because they are right you shouldn’t, but do we now stop our daughter and any future children from knowing their granddad until they are of age we have to explain all this to them, instead of keeping some kind of normality...?
would love to know your thoughts on contact or no contact

My husband and I will take it Day by day week by week as to our relationship with the both of them, as me personally I don’t even want to talk to them right now, I couldn’t think of anything worse than being in their company, however I do understand they are my husbands parents and anytime and any contact he wishes to have with them nu himself is up to him.
I’m sure things Will get easier as time goes on with our relationship with them both (without our child and future children)

How do we know how things will be in months years decades time... im not sure what SS is expecting of us, we feel it’s a test if you say we may see them in time for occasions with our daughter in the future but it will never be unsupervised - will we flag up as shit parents, like we condone what he done??? Are we just as bad as I feel his mother is? Knowing all this time.... you shouldn’t want your child in the company of a pervert, but should you deprive your child of a grandparent(s)?? Kids aren’t blind nor stupid, but 5+ they’ll start to ask questions, how do I do right by my child? I’d never knowingly, on purpose or want to put my child at risk.
But if we feel we can move on and have some sort of relationship with his parents, do we lie to our children to say they are working or busy, what when they ask questions why don’t they see them etc.

At the moment we don’t know if his father will get a suspended sentence or the 6 months to 10 years his solicitor has prepared him for..
So how long he stays on the sex offenders register depends on that, IF he got 6months or under he would be 7 years on the register - so what then? He’s a huge danger from now until 2024/5 then all of a sudden he’s no longer a danger. The system just all seems a bit odd.

There is no doubt that things will never be the same again, but do we go NC or do we “meet in the middle”? I know i’ll always be watching him around my child and future children, and my trust for them both has completely gone. They aren’t the people I thought they were, but they are still my husbands parents and my daughters grandparents.

I’m sad and shocked this wasn’t delt with properly all this time ago....

I think we just both wish it would/could go back to how things were before, happy loving family, I guess it’s coming to terms with it and doing what is best for our family (the 3 of us) as Ultimately that’s what matters the most....

Would love to know your thoughts and views....

Many thanks for reading.

Also wanted to add the NSPCC has a fair amount of child information about safe touches and privacy that are really child friendly and a good introduction to the topic with DC, once you have done that it is a fairly straightforward conversation with your DC, " FIL touched x in a private place and we know that isn't good so we aren't seeing him" is a shortened version but it isn't too difficult to explain and DC do get it even young ones. That isn't to minimise the shock you are all feeling particularly your DH who has had his family pulled apart in a truly horrid way.

No contact for your DD . Even if you do supervise you will be paranoid about every kiss and cuddle,and it will be even harder to explain to your DD why spending time with him is ok but touching isn’t.
I always thought my grandfather was a creep,his hugs too lingering,his kisses too sloppy and a bit too close to my mouth,but I was a kid so kept my distance as much as i could and distracted myself with playing with my cousins. It all came to a head when he cornered me at 14 and asked(begged really) to touch my boobs. Mum was home in the kitchen,he just told her he’ll pop into my room to say hello.
You’ll never know what’s innocent and what isn’t,what he’s thinking and you’ll drve yourself mad. Not worth it. Definitely not worth it something hapoening to your DD and her realising that you knew.

Your poor poor SIL
The reason she is a mess is because of your evil FIL

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure if it's the shock you're bound to be in, but it comes across that you're minimising his behaviour and haven't realised the awful abuse your sister in law suffered was the reason she went 'off the rails'

If it were me I wouldn't have any contact with either, not so much as a photograph sent once a year. This couple (and I say couple as your mother in law seems to be complicit in placing the blame at the feet of her daughter, which makes her as guilty in my eyes) harmed their child. Please don't risk your daughter too. And please PLEASE let other family members with children know, I would be beyond furious if something like this was brushed under the carpet in some charade to allow a paedophile to play happy families at family events.

I hope things get easier for you soon

Other family members must be told and I do think that if they are not told then that's just more collusion.

I wouldn't worry about the christening too much right now, your FIL might be incarcerated then.

I'm curious to know if anyone in your DH's family is going to reach out to your poor SIL.

I would have to go NC - as others have said, your FIL is a peadophile (and I’m afraid a leopard really cannot change its spots).

If your MIL was able to turn a blind eye to this, I would not put it past her to enable his behaviour in the future too. Absolutely vile people.

Also, can you honestly blame your SIL for the way she behaved as a teenager and how she turned out in adulthood, given the absolutely unspeakable things her own father was doing to her as a child? It is absolutely heartbreaking.

It's exactly as LavendarDoll says, one is a vile paedophile and the other stood by him, I am assuming that your mil knew at the time, in which case they are as bad as each other and neither of them would be allowed to see my children

Oh I’ve told my husband my opinion on why his sister ended up being the way she is, they are the families words not mine. That’s how she’s been explained to me for he last 7 years, no wonder her real father was a waster by all accounts, and then to have her step father someone who should have stepped up failed her, and then pretty much watched her mother “choose” him over her.

I’m so disappointed by them.

I believe they are being told the rest of the family, we are just the first to know as we’re are the only one having SS involved, so it was a matter of urgency to tell us before SS did.

Well I’d rather go no contact to be honest with my FIL, and I’m sure i’ll Get less angry at my MIL in time.

I would go no contact.

None whatsoever. It’s not just the risk of your child but by having contact, it kind of minimises the crime.

Ah yes, the sister has been conveniently cast as the black sheep and then cut out of their lives. Of course.
Please know that you are dealing with some of the worst people you could ever encounter here and protect your child. A friend's DD's grandfather is a paedophile on the paternal side. The DD is on a child at risk register and cannot have contact with her grandfather and rightly so.
Also, I feel quite bad saying this, but I have to say that the suggestion that the two parents staying together could have been preferable to an upbringing by a single mother, even though the father is an incestuous paedophile, absolutely insulting. But I accept you're trying to come up with reasons and explanations.

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I heard a horrendous story once of a child who had supervised contact with a grandparent who was a pedophile. He was supervised so they thought the child was safe. She was sat on his knee and being abused by him, without them knowing, right in front of them. Keep them both away, well away

Take your time. It is a shock. But someone needs to contact your SIL and tell here it was not her fault, that you believe her and that she has family who will support her.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this and you must be in a lot of shock.

I would never ever be able to firstly have my children around a known pedophile and someone who has CHOSEN to molest a young girl.

I would secondly never be able to sit back and watch other mothers and fathers put their children in a place of danger and not say anything.

I would also never ever be able to be in the same room as MIL again knowing that she didn't protect her daughter and knowingly put your child in danger.

What your DH does is his business but you have a job to do and that is protect your DC.

You won't be 'depriving her ' of grandparents. You will be providing a safe environment away from predators.

You go no contact. I'm sorry. It will be a bereavement for you both. This isn't about someone who stole something or got drunk and hit someone etc..

I would also encourage my DH to get in touch with his poor sister who needs all the support she can at this moment.

Your MIL might as well have molested her daughter herself in my opinion. She is just as bad IF not worse.

Family scripts, the way stories within families are told are very important. The most important and powerful people get to tell their story as the whole families story, in this case your FIL did this. The more he could discredit your SIL the less likely it was that she would ever feel able to speak out and if she did the less likely it waswould be that she would be believed if she did. Your MIL had more to gain believing your FIL than she did believing your SIL, regardless of your SIL telling the truth. How honest are your PIL able to be now about what has happened and it's impact?

If your FIL ends up with a conviction and on the sex offenders register you may well find that he has conditions about being around children so it may be your DC isn't the only one impacted. Social services will also look at any other DC that he has unsupervised contact with.

I have never met my SIL - I knew from the beginning she wasn’t apart of the family and was told from the age of 15 onwards she would steal money from family and friends, did drugs; including whilst looking after my husband and his nephew. She tried to kill herself once too, married a “nutcase”, and her mother (my MIL) didn’t speak to her and very few knew where she was, only a rough idea on which county. My husband hasn’t seen her since he was about 1

now you now why your poor SIL behaved this way OP.... Do you have any feelings about what your SIL must have endured your comments barely scratch the surface of any concern for your SIL's childhood trauma.. good luck with SS

I had a similar situation where my brother was accused of accessing child abuse images in the past. He called me to tell me ahead of SS, and I had to repeat to them what he had told me. They didn't need to come see me as it was clear that if proven I was prepared to cut him out of my life for the sake of my kids. During the investigation we saw him once. In time, he accepted a caution but told me it was all a mistake which was clearly nonsense. We are pretty much NC now.

In your case I'd go NC too. You can never trust either of them - your MIL enabled the abuse - and if anything did happen to your DD, you would never forgive yourself. It's much easier to keep boundaries when there is no contact.

But I feel for your DH. He is mourning the loss of his memories as I did. All my affectionate memories of a great childhood have been brought into question. That isn't easy at all..

Your inlaws assigned your SIL the role of the dishonest, fucked up child and allowed the family to think the worst of her. All the while KNOWING that they were the cause of her distress. Both of them. They FUCKED HER UP every which way. Making sure that no one in the family gave her any support etc because, if they did, this may have come out sooner.

It's not just the vile acts themselves, it's that your MIL sacrificed her child to stay with the man who abused said child. She allowed, or encouraged others to think badly of her child to make sure she remained isolated from the family. I cannot imagine the devastation, on top of the abuse, that would have caused.

I do hope that someone reaches out to your SIL. She needs to know that you believe and support HER because NO ONE EVER HAS and that is heartbreaking

I also need to be clear that while I think it is perfectly possible that your MIL was groomed and controlled by your FIL I do not think that makes her any less of a risk to your DC. She is not able to protect your DC or make good decisions to allow you to protect them. It is possible to feel sorry for her while accepting that she is a risk to your child. She should not be left unsupervised with your DC at present as she cannot protect them.

NC with both of them. No question. Protect your daughter.