My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

Red, I read your last threads and I'm so pleased for you that things have been better. I separated from my H about the same time as you but this time is my second. The first time a few years ago we separated for 6 months, I had been in exactly the same situation that you were. Our H's sound very similar.

We were apart for 6 months and over that time he really changed. Really really changed. It was like he'd gone back to the man I'd fallen in love with, he was my friend and did so much for the DC, their relationship was so much better, they were happy. He had therapy, he GAVE UP the weed completely. He really showed me how much it had meant to lose us.

I decided to move back in together after 6 months. People tried to talk me out of it but they couldn't see how much he'd changed.

It took one month for me to realise what a mistake it had been. One. And over the last five years it has gradually become what it used to be. Only he never took it quite to the level he did before so he could always say 'but I don't do this...or that....' and the dc are older and I've got the added extra of not wanting to put them through the stress of a split again. I've done it now but what a waste. All those years and pain I didn't need to go through.

You might think I'm making this up but unfortunately it's true and I am begging you to rethink him moving back in. Please give it longer than a few months. Please keep going with the therapy.

WWYD? I wouldn't insult the therapist by lying to them. Don't waste her time or insult her by lying, she won't be fooled anyway. If you intend to stop therapy be honest and tell her.

As they say on Dragons Den...'sorry, but I am out'

Best of luck but you frustrate me

Couldn't agree more with Katie. Yawn, this is boring me now because you're going to listen to anything we say anyway. You've already made up your mind, and in another few month's time there'll be another thread about what a big mistake you made taking him back.

I'm out too.

I'm sorry about your situation crazydave. It's not too late for you either.

OP there are 9 pages here of sensible, caring people who are telling you the truth. Begging you to put you and your daughter first. If he has changed, you can give him the time to prove he has - to carry through on the promises he has made eg actually going to therapy and going to his new job.
But I echo what the others have said, he is an addict and you and your daughter cannot be the priority he says you are if he's still smoking.
4 months is a minuscule period of time. It really is. If you don't want to listen to a bunch of internet weirdos, then listen to the professional in this. Your therapist is saying you had a lucky escape already - please don't go back.

If the gentle words don't work, I think you need to Google Stockholm Syndrome because so far, that's how you're coming across. Please prove me wrong!

I've read every post. Thanks for taking the time to offer advice.

I won't lie to her. I'd never had felt comfortable doing that anyway. I do wonder if she had to say what she said to protect herself. She might not actually see him as a problem but just needs to protect herself professionally.

Please can any posters bringing things up that I wrote in MNs 'safe place' please not do that. I'm well aware that this is a very public forum and there was a good reason I posted there and not on one of the more well used boards (that's also why I used WWYD).

He did act abusively towards the end of our relationship but I wouldn't put him in the category of abuser. I'm not in any doubt that me and dd are 100% safe.

I'm being sensible. Him moving in is conditional and I can make him leave if those conditions are broken. He knows I can and will break up with him because I've done it before. I'm not going to add him on the tenancy. It will be my (rented) house.

I've learnt on MN people see the worst of relationships because people post when they need help. There is so much recovery happening in ours. Not just him but me too. I'm building physical and mental health by the day and dd had such a full life here. We are a growing, evolving unit. I know this will take a long time and I'm not deluding myself that it will suddenly be happy families.

Thinking about her referring to SS worries me in a knee jerk kind of way but actually I would happily let them look into our life because I don't think they'd see a dangerous or neglectful household.

Thanks Dozer you're right it's not. I've been out 3 months now and me and dc are so much better. There will be no going back this time. Good therapy has helped me be strong this time. It sounds like Red has a good therapist and it would be a shame to not keep going with that.

But like pp have said, will you listen? No probably not, like me you'll think he's different from my H or anyone else and we can't possibly know how much he's changed as we are just strangers on the internet. But we do know, we have been there and it will be the biggest mistake you ever make to give up therapy and move back in with him. Someone likened it to watching a car crash in slow motion and being helpless. That's exactly what it's like.

My apologies red, I've asked for my post above to be withdrawn as I had forgotten where some aspects of this were discussed.

I do encourage you to keep seeing the therapist and posting. It's clear you are going to do what you're going to do. I don't think I can watch but I wish you the best.

Yet you still can't answer the question why the rush? Why not see how he does in his new job? Why not wait till he's stopped the weed altogether. Why are those things not more important that some nice little picture in your head of how you want it to be. It's working now. Why rock the boat? Do you honestly have no doubt in the back of your mind that it could all go wrong when he moves in? If not you're deluded and that would be even more worrying. If you do, good, that's your instinct kicking in...listen to it.

Hi whimsey thanks. I'd actually wrote all that before I saw your post!
Thanks for all the good advice you've always given

Hi red I remember you. I can't remember which bits you put on which bit of Mumsnet sorry.

I do remember for sure that it was all in the run up to Christmas, so a little over 3 months ago. He was using heavily and drinking heavily. Had Ben for years. You had various threads about him making sure you had no money and you paying for everything and doing everything.

I remember you posting one night in December, shortly before Christmas, about 3 months ago, when he attacked you, smashed up the room, pinned you to the bed and put his hands on your throat.

Drugs did that to his behaviour you believe. Yet he still doesn't stop.

You are physically weak, ill, short on money. He is still using. He tells you he has a couple of spliffs a night now. Openly. He tells you he doesn't drink any more. How exactly do you think this puts you in a strong position?

Are you still going to Al-Anon? What do the people there think?

He owes you a hell of a lot of money red Why not ask him for the back payments? Then you can afford to get you and DD stable and see if he can maintain the nice act.

How scared do you feel thinking about asking him to pay you back?

He was extremely violent to you in front of your daughter but he's not an abuser. Right.

I do wonder if she had to say what she said to protect herself. She might not actually see him as a problem but just needs to protect herself professionally.

No, she sees the actual problem that you're in denial about and is trying to help you.

I didn't answer your question. Keep seeing the therapist. Ask her if she thinks it is safe to move back in with him, irrespective of SS. Don't lie to her.

If you do choose to move an openly using drug addict into your home and she reports you to SS, buy her a big bunch of flowers and thank her for being a person who puts your DD first. The world needs good people like her.

Of course, you could choose to make him do the 6 months minimum, sticking to your word to him, and avoid putting her in that position.

Why not wait and see whether this job he's got "lined up" actually happens? Whether he sticks at that - because, perhaps it'll be like him giving up drugs - so, not actually happening.

Absolutely what ChrisYoungFuckingRocks said!

Your threats are empty because it took you years to get to breaking point last time so why would he think you're going to do anything this time. He will continue to abuse your goodwill.

Are the PPs correct? Does he owe you money? In which case what help is he to move in with you? You also need to be careful about him moving in with you from your tenancy view - he will need to be listed on the inhabitants of the house even if he isn't contributing to the rent, and if he is giving you money you are subletting and therefore contravening your tenancy agreement.

The job will definitely happen. He loves work and working. He's been jobless for a couple of months almost waiting for his dads will money. When he gets it he said he'll give me some money.

This new flat is on your name? You are 100% legally responsible for the rent?

In the last flat, he smashed things up in rages then refused to contact the landlord about repairs. You had anxiety attacks about the landlord.

How did he leave the flat in the end? Did he fix the broken things? Did he get the deposit back? Did he give it to you? Where is he living?

Will as in money after a death. It read a bit weird.

He sorted it all but my anxiety about the whole thing stops me from asking what happend. He got half the deposit back but he needs that cash at the moment. I'll get some of it later when he's working. I'm so greatful he dealt with all that in the end. That's where a big part of my forgiving him comes from.

I found this new place when I was very much single which is why it's all in my name.

MN is not a "safe space" at all - any of it - and you can't control who posts, what we say , or only talk to posters you deem "supportive", in response to the incomplete and rose tinted information you've provided.

if you stop posting though that probably won't help you. And womens organisations don't advise berating people in abusive relationships for not leaving, or for harming their DC, as it doesn't help. I have been one of those who has done that and apologise. I will bow out.

I hope that whatever you decide with respect to your H, now and in the future, you will continue to attend therapy, seek RL advice from a womens organisation, and attend al anon.

How much child support has he been paying you over the last 3 months?

He can afford drugs, in a casual way that totally isn't a problem you say. So obviously he has plenty of spare cash around.

What multiple of the money he spends on drugs has he been paying towards DD since you left?

Or is this a repeat of the winter coat saga? Still feeding his habit instead of feeding his daughter?

If you can't even ask him for your fair share of the deposit money you are nowhere near strong enough to live with him.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

he sorted out a mess he create an your thankful for it enough to let him in again?

just think about what you just said