My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

You've forgiven him everything he did because he dealt with the landlord. And he can't give you any money for his daughter but he can still buy weed.

If you're determined to get back together with him, at least go slowly, wait until he's been in his new job for a few months, and you're sure he won't relapse. And keep going to therapy and telling her the truth about your relationship.

He hasn't been able to contribute towards dd because he's not been working.

I'll get the deposit money at some point but he needs it right now. Me and dd have been living rent free at my mums.

Big mistake.
Put your kids first for ffs.

I didn't think this could get any more heartbreaking but it does.

you are grateful to him because he dealt with the agency over what he destroyed?! Is this for real? You can't ask him about anything because of your anxiety? He owes you money, he likes working but isn't working and can't pay you but can buy drugs.
Please please please listen to everyone here. I know you think you love him and you cannot see how things are but to everyone else it is crystal clear. If this was a friend saying all this to you about their life and their OH, you'd be saying to them to not let him move in wouldn't you? Surely??!!

You don't actually know for sure that he "sorted out" anything with respect to the old flat, or even got any of the deposit back. You only know what he's told you.

He could've worked in his old job all this time and had money.

Wow Red

Just wow.

Nothing has changed except now you're grateful and he's learnt the right tune to sing.

I see that this was always going to happen. Him back, stoned every night.

Best of luck.

So basically you are forgiving him because he sorted out a mess he caused in the first place causing you to lose half the deposit and you have not see the other half because he needs it.

He has not been able to contribute to dd but has enough money to smoke (at least) 2 spliffs a night and you think SS involvement will be fine.

You have buried your head in the sand and are seeing what you want to see - listen to your therapist she is saying she sees safeguarding concerns she is not saying that lightly she is a professional

He hasn't been able to contribute towards dd because he's not been working.

But he can afford drugs? Why hasn't he prioritised your DD?

*He hasn't been able to contribute towards dd because he's not been working.

But he has been able to spend money on drugs, hasn't he?

He could have chosen to spend it on DD instead. He didn't.

I don't know. The money stuff is far from ok but I want to change how assertive I am around it in therapy. I hate talking money with anyone as it always leads to awkwardness or arguments.

I'll get the deposit money at some point but he needs it right now FOR DRUGS

How did he react when you asked him to spend the money on DD instead of on drugs?

You didn't even ask did you?

Could you ask him today? Ask him straight out to give you his next months spliffs money in advance to pay for DD's needs. She must be needing summer clothes and shoes soon. 5 year olds grow so fast!

Are you paralysed by anxiety at the mere thought of asking him to prioritise his child over drugs?

You only have to lie when you have something to hide. She is doing her job. If your dh is as changed as you say, you have nothing to worry about/hide if she decides to inform SS. You are worried, because you know there is something in what she says.

for the last month doing all the normal parent stuff as well as being fun, loving, creative and happier in himself. Yes, because he is trying to worm his way back in! That is all SO easy to do for an hour here or there, a few times a week. Doing it 24/7 is far harder for someone like him.

Add to that, because you are not with him 24/7 you have NOTHING to prove that he has actually given up drinking. The fact is, that once his feet are under the table, he will likely fall into the same habits. It will be very hard to get rid of him!

OP, please listen to the wise words of many on here.

Abusive behaviour DOES make him a abusive.

If you had to go away for a month, today, and leave him with access to your bank account and in sole charge of your child, would you trust him to care for her, meet all of her needs, feed her, keep her safe and warm, do homework etc?

Talking about money does not always lead to awkwardness and arguments.

Most of us manage to have those conversations.

You are having them with an abusive drug user who is protecting his money for drugs over everything else. That's why it is an argument.

In any case, you say you want him to move back in to help you with money. I have two thoughts on that.

Firstly he doesn't need to move back in to pay his fair share of his daughters housing, food and clothing. Why not see if he can prioritise that for the first few months of working before considering moving him back in. How much would you expect him to pay to support DD per week?

Secondly, if you can't talk about money with him then moving him in for financial reasons seems like it cannot ever work.

What if he forgot to pay his half of the rent and bills? How would you raise it with him? What if he behaved as before and spent money only on himself and didn't pay his way? How would you have the conversation?

OP, if things are going well for you, your DD, your therapy and your relationship at the moment, why do you want to risk it all by moving in with him again?

If you can't cope with arguments over money to feed and clothe your DC, how in the hell are you going to cope with the arguments if (not when) he falls back into his old ways and you want him out?

You don't get it. You. Don't. Get. It. What all of us, including the therapist, are trying to tell you. You don't want to see it.

FFS - I give up. Screw up your life then if you're so determined.

rabbit I did ask a while ago when we were still split and he said it was difficult as my family were looking after dd financially and we were OK whereas he was jobless and needed to pay rent.
He still feels a small amount of weed is not a luxury but a necessity to him, like medicine he can't go without. Of course it not though. It's a drug and he need therapy himself to see that. I'm not backing him up on this!

Look even if leaving him was a huge mistake (and not even you are claiming this) you can't mess your DD around. She has been through the tough part, the upheaval of moving, of not living with Daddy. She has adjusted, she has coped. Which is fantastic and how amazing that she has.

You need to do all the work on yourself before you get back together. And when both you and he have worked on yourselves separately then you have work to do on your relationship away from DD.

You both owe it to your DD to be as sure as you possibly can that getting back together is the right thing. Saying if he hadn't changed you are stronger and would separate again is a very poor standard to set in relation to your DD. You risk putting her through an awful time again.

So even if your optimism isn't a huge mistake you need to be the grown up DD needs and put her first, no matter how much you miss him and love him.

I know people are frustrated but i feel for you, i really do. I've been in a vaguely similar place very recently. Its very difficult. If it can work then it will work in a years time too. But the risk for DD (and you all) will be so much less.

Don't quit therapy and don't lie to your therapist. SS have far to much on to be worried about family who are not a concern. Honestly if she reports you are things have changed like you say SS won't do anything.

But I have a genuine question, why the rush to move in together? You haven't really had a chance to practise your newly formed boundaries with him for very long, and it will definitely help you and your relationship in the future if you can firmly establish boundaries with him before he moves in. That means being able to say no to him and him react well, improving your assertiveness about money with him (and everyone else) and generally putting into practise your new found confidence for a significant period of time.

List all the things you have struggled with in the past and actively practise being assertive in these areas. Over several months, especially with him, before you even consider moving in together. So for example you should be able to be confidently asking him for money for your daughter and recieving it with no problems.

If he has changed like you say he has there is absolutely no harm in waiting a bit. In fact it is the most sensible thing to do. You will still get to live together as a family unit eventually.

When he gets his job he can pay you maintenance which will help with rent. Have you suggested that to him?

memyself yes I would feel totally happy with the idea of dh looking after her solo for a month. Not before but now yes.

Have you considered asking your therapist to help you make a list of things he has to do to prove that he has changed and can be trusted?

Here's a starter list

• Pay child maintenance of x per week, without failure, for 6 months, even if this means he does not have enough money for drugs.
• No sulking or name calling for 6 months.
• Pays you back your half of the deposit with no quibbles after one request, even if this means he has to go without drugs.
• Does not ask to live with you or stay overnight until these conditions have been met.
• You can visit friends or family whenever you want and he won't complain or sulk.
• He writes a financial plan for the 12 months after moving back, showing how he would expect to organise the budget if you and he lived together.

I've namechanged for this cuz I'm a cowardly cowardly custard and I'm not interested in getting a flaming over the matter elsewhere

So anyway OP here's the thing - I smoke A LOT of weed. More than two spliffs a night. I use it to self-medicate and also just for fun. There are several professionals with safe-guarding responsibilities who know this about me including doctor and ISVA and a police officer. To my knowledge I have not once been reported to social services. Presumably because despite my cannabis dependence I still run a household, hold down a job and care for my children who go to school well fed and wearing clean uniforms and so on, and also, crucially, I don't batter my partner.

You are kidding yourself if you think therapist is making this report over the weed. If you genuinely believe that, let her make the report, let social services come round and have a look, and they will go away again because smoking a little bit of pot is not in itself a child protection issue.

I feel for you because you're clearly having a tough time. But he is not the answer to your problems.

Most of those are my conditions already and I won't put up with them not being kept.

It feels to late to backtrack on us moving on together. It wasn't him pushing for this. It was me inviting him.

I had a friend like this. She could only hear what she wanted to hear. She risked her children's safety and well being for a man, and everyone in her life who called her on it was shut down.
When I tried to speak to her directly about what she was doing, she wouldn't make eye contact, would nod and repeat the bullshit that she had been choosing to believe. It was basically like talking to a kid who puts their hands over their ears and goes LA LA LA LA!"
We are no longer friends.
This isn't about a bit of dope. Its about a man who has proven himself to be a violent and abusive substance abuser.
He can't pay back the money or give anything to support your daughter, but he can afford to buy drugs??
You were asked if you would be able to leave your daughter in his care and expect her to be fed and safe etc. Can you answer that?

I think you need a hell of a lot more therapy to sort out why you are so pathetically grateful for a few crumbs and empty promises.
I think you have already decided you will let him back in though.
Just so you know that social services take a dim view of women who willingly expose their children to abusive situations.

Of course its not too late!