My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

A professional, who has your best interests at heart, and who knows all thE details, is so concerned about DH moving back in that she telling you she'd report to SS.

Read that paragraph out loud to yourself a few times.

Your options are

1. to let him back and stop therapy. Lose the support you get from it and feel helpless as DH slip's back into his addiction whilst allowing DD to be part raised by an addict. You may find someone else reports anyway.

1. Let him come back and stay in therapy, be honest and accept the referral. If he's so awesome there's no issue. Counselor will feel she's done her job and you can carry on getting support whilst DH " just" smokes drugs every night

1. Tell him that if he want to move back in, be a good dad and husband then he needs to deal with his addiction. You need him to put your family first. Maybe he can seek counseling too. Tell him that you will nor have your daughter living with a drug addict and she comes first

It seems to me that you have an addiction too, to this man.

You are prepared to lose custody of your daughter because of it.

Think carefully this one decision could affect your whole family for the rest of your lives.

Red, you are seriously deluded. You clearly don't listen to advice, and PPs have been very generous with their time and thoughts to try and help you. Your head is in the sand!

As they say on Dragons Den...'sorry, but I am out'

Best of luck but you frustrate me

Please continue with the therapy and don't let him move in, it's far too soon. Review the situation again in another 6-8 months. Give yourself time, you have been ill. But from his past history it looks like it woukd be best to avoid him living with you ever again.

It seems you and DD are in a better place now, if it ain't broke don't fix it.

I haven't read your other threads but maybe he's not getting fucked up as much because he can't afford to. Considering he's out of work and probably sofa surfing he will be very motivated to move back in with you for financial reasons.

Why not give it a year? See if he actually keeps his job and is serious about getting rid of his addictions? Being employed and drug free is a minimum requirement for an adult.

So - you're not asking if you should let an abusive drug addict (who had you and your daughter living in squalor) move back in.. you're asking if once you let him back in, you should continue seeing your therapist and lie - or stop seeing your therapist - because it might interrupt your relationship with said abusive drug addict (who has slightly changed his ways for about 4 months)

Because that's obviously the big life changing decision here..

FFS OP - I want things to get better for you, I just wish you did too.

FYI - your therapist isn't the one whose making your life hard

OP if you are walking back into such a lovely family life why would you care if SS investigated the situation?

Red, on a financial matter I don't think you're working since moving? Can you afford your new rental without money from him? Would him living there affect any benefits you're entitled to?

Al Anon might be helpful again, or womens charities.

He could very easily be lying about having stopped drinking and how much he's smoking: very common thing for addicts to do. You know this.

You're not strong mentally now. You may think you are but you're not.

If you were you wouldn't be thinking about taking him back.

He hasn't changed, he's still a drug addict. He can't even be bothered to prioritise you and your dd over weed.

If he moved back in things would slowly slide back to how they used to be.

You say he's been violent/aggressive before? I suspect that's more of a CP trigger than spliffs. It demonstrates you're not protecting your dd if you allow an aggressive man back in the house and yes SS would be interested.

MooseBeTimeForSnow A couple is two.

Abusers don't pretend to change to get what they want. Oh no

What worries me a bit is you'll be putting him back in the same position he couldn't manage before. The pressure of that may make him regress, as four months isn't long enough for change to be permanent.

Also, last year you seemed to minimise the problems quite a lot. It took a while before you realised it was bad enough to separate over.

How do you know therapist is wrong?

Your early posts offer two options, lie to therapist or stop going. There is a third. Don't move him in until after he's had treatment as he,s promised he'll have.

Of course it seems great when you were in hospital - he did the least he could do and came and visited you. That's not real life. That's not living together, is it? It seems to me that you have been scared and he was a knight in shining armour at that time.

I'm shocked that you're considering letting this cunt back into your daughters life and home. He is not a good man and the reason your dd is doing so much better now is because she is away from him. Apologies if it isn't you but I thought he told you before he wouldn't stop smoking? He doesn't give a shit about you or any rules you lay down he just wants to get his nasty feet back under the table so he can carry on where he left off and you will let him

I remember your previous posts & it seems like no time at all to me.
Sorry to hear you've been ill. You've done really well to get yourself & dd set up on your own & it sounds like your ex is using your vulnerability to worm his way back in. Don't throw away your hard work.
Fwiw, I think it would be a much bigger red flag to the therapist if you stop seeing her to let a man who can't be bothered to give up weed for you & dd back into her life.

Two 'light' joints a night?

Yeah right...

He's clever enough not to say none so when.you smell it everywhere and when he's stoned he can say you agreed to it. It's his first one...left over from last night...only a little one...

To answer your question:

Go to therapy. Don't lie.

gabs I believe him. He has no reason to lie. If he was going to lie surely he'd say none?

He has every reason in the world to lie.

Addicts ... lie. It's what they do. Read up on it, if you don't believe what everyone is telling you here.

You are a cushy number for him. He can do what he likes and control you. You're great!

gabs I believe him. He has no reason to lie. If he was going to lie surely he'd say none?

Because as a lie 'a bit' is more believable. And more easily increased from 2 to 3 and then 5, than 0 to 5. Because at zero, any number is noticeable.

You need to see him function healthily and independently for a lot longer, by the sounds of it.

Don't lie to your therapist. Does she know he was violent (hands around your neck) before you left? Does she know that your parents drink a lot, see nothing wrong with his heavy drug use, and your sister is also married to a man who is addicted to weed?

And think about all the stuff that came out on your last threads. The way you told us that you'd had a nice afternoon at the park playing with DD while your DH was drinking (and smoking?) on the grass, and seems shocked that people didn't agree with you. The time you commented that the local drug dealer's (who is really a nice guy) nine year old daughter loved spending time with your DD. When it dawned on you that your friends didn't want to meet up at your house because it stank of smoke. When you didn't have money to buy DD and new coat but a friend had passed one on, and realised she'd probably done it out of pity. One poster commented about how your DD would probably be ostracised at school for having a druggie dad, and while lots of people criticised her for that post, we all knew it was true.

You're probably going to say none of that will happen now he's only smoking two joints a night, and you're so much stronger now, but I bet you thought that when he started getting depressed last year. Four months not really apart is nothing.

Why can't you put your daughter first? Even the title of your first post about the situation (several months ago) was about helping your DH, not focusing on her.

Exactly. It would be a waste of money but she hasn't really given me much choice. Either stop therapy or tell her and risk a referral that I don't see as needed

But she has given you a choice: continue with therapy and don't let your husband move back in. Honestly, it's very very easy for someone like him to put up a front for a short period like four months, particularly if he hangs on to a crutch like two spliffs a night - and the reality is that it's less than four months. As soon as he doesn't get that job that's lined up, or has to cope with something he sees as stressful, those spliffs are going to increase.

And no matter how strong you feel mentally, four months during which you have been very ill is simply not long enough to say that you will be able to keep that strength up. I'm afraid the fact that you're thinking of having him back suggests you really aren't as strong mentally as you think you are.

The safeguarding concern is not someone smoking a spliff. The safeguarding concern here is a vulnerable mother who is in denial about a violent abusive partner and about to put herself in a difficult financial situation with a man who doesn't provide for or prioritise his daughter and would let her go without a coat or heating.

To be blunt OP, it's not lying to your therapist I'd be worried about, it's you lying to yourself. 4 months is no time at all, you tell yourself he has changed and it's all going to be ok. It is too soon. You can stock your fridge to placate the social workers but can you live yourself if you put your child in that situation again? Keep seeing your therapist, tell her the truth, and leave it a bit longer before making decisions about letting him back.

Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before.

Just so am understanding right - DH is not DD's father?

How old is DD?

Where I'm going is - actually whether he's her father or not - a child can't really tell if someone is good or not like that, and can't decide, I think. Clearly you love DH very much and want it to work out. It's so good you've been to therapy and have sorted a lot out, and got a nice place to live. Your therapist should, actually, have told you at the first meeting that if you said anything she felt might mean a child was in danger, or that you were in danger or might hurt someone else, then she'd have to report it or risk losing her licence.

If you want complete control over your life, and there are difficult things in it, then you actually can't confide in those things to a therapist. The problem is that although there are some very clear cases where harm is a risk, there are a lot of others where the therapist will know some but not all details, and will try to get a picture, and will have to err on the side of caution, because any risk is unacceptable. IE, there might not be a real reason to be worried, but they have to play safe.

To be honest, I think her concern here is that you are swayed by your DH - you love him and you would put up with a lot, and your DD is in your care, so she is also part of this. To leave her alone with him when he is unwakeable is, as I guess you know, not safe for her. I don't know how old she is, but I guess not 12 or so.

Your therapist isn't worried that he'll hurt her. She's worried that you will, eg, let your daughter be in a situation where she could hurt herself by not being properly looked after (you are out, he's off his head).

Two spliffs a night isn't nothing, but a lot of people do it and SS don't know and aren't involved.

I know a woman who takes coke and fucks other people's husbands and has her daughters at private school and seems like a perfect angel - but that's another story. She wouldn't end up with SS at her door in any situation.

I'm afraid you have to understand that now you've spoken about it, even if you stop seeing her, she'll have to raise her concerns.

Personally I think you should take it gently with the moving in. See how he goes. And you probably do have to lie to the therapist if you don't want SS involved. But you also have to put your daughter's wellbeing absolutely first. That's really what this comes down to.

I'm not trying to preach at all. Sorry if it sounds like that : ( A warm relationship with someone good, for you and your daughter, is so important. I hope it works out. Sounds like he's getting it.

Mental health and strength takes a lot of rebuilding. It sounds as if you are getting a lot from your therapy.

You don't need to make this decision now. You can continue building your mental and emotional health. Nurturing your own self. You did so well getting rid of him last year, why risk that effort by taking a decision now, when you don't need to, and when you are still vulnerable?

Just to add - it's easy to be a 'good' parent when you don't have the stresses of a job nor even regularly looking after children!

If he'd held down a job for six months as well as being supportive to you, I'd be more impressed, but in the circumstances it looks like he's meeting minimal standards, holding it together despite however much weed he's smoking, but honestly not looking very impressive.

Agree with pp that "got a job lined up next month" is up there with "the cheque's in the post" and "my marriage is over" for things you really shouldn't believe.