My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

You are quibbling that some random on the internet isn't be 'fair' and 'mean' but planning to allow your daughter to again live with a person who is a drug addict and still using. The mind boggles.

I agree that if you quit seeing her then she will probably do the referral anyway, and she will be able to tell that you are lying, I can guarantee that.

She hasnt left you with no choice. You can choose to put your daughters welfare before your own wants.

Why does he need to have those two spliffs, though? Why can't he just stop the drugs altogether? Especially if there's a risk of an SS referral related to his drug use. Especially if his drug use was bad for his daughter before. Why still smoke, daily? Why wouldn't he just stop?

Because he's an addict. Still.

Partner!

My WWYD was about weather to continue therapy or to lie to my therapist.

Red wants us to tell her that she should stop seeing her therapist, as that would justify her taking the wanker back.

Sorry Red, but I don't think any of us going to do that. You'll be sacrificing your own mental wellbeing and going back to the same shit you left. And yes, there will be more shit.

Pyong has shouted it out nicely, if you would only listen.

So when you left (after he attacked you? don't think your family know about that?) he moved too, to near your family. Well, he was having issues at work anyway wasn't he, boss was running out of patience with him.

And you saw him regularly, as a "friend". No break.

Not exactly hitting rock bottom for him, was it? No addiction services for him.

Easy for him to be nice to you and visit you at your mum's from time to time - he has all those other nights to smoke and drink.

I bet he WILL go to the new job - he needs money for his addictions. Less likely that he'll share that money or pay his share of bills, and hold down the job for, say, a year.

I would be very surprised if she was considering a referral based on two spliffs a night and I agree this is unlikely to result in social care involvement. Since you statell she is experienced, it seems more likely that she is concerned about risk your DD was previously exposed to and the potential for a recurrence of this. It's not a race. If he has genuinely changed her will stick around and give you time while he continues to work on himself.

if youre not living together yet how do u know he only smokes 2 a night now

He was angry when you were split up (but "friends") because at a family occasion he attended you gently declined him spoon feeding you, in front of your family.

Controlling and abusive.

I haven't read your previous threads but from what I see here, it would be very premature to let him move back in.

However, if you do, I still don't understand why you feel you should stop seeing your therapist. She is clearly helping you, and so what if she reports you - if things are as fine as you say, what do you have to fear from a referral? I wouldn't mind social services visiting me, because I have nothing to hide.

The fact that you fear SS suggests to me that you know, deep down, that it would be a huge mistake to take your husband back.

I agree that the therapist will probably report anyway if OP quits therapy, because she will know that it means the abusive ex is back in the poor little girls life and the therapist may feel duty bound to refer.
Its not just about the odd spliff either, for those who think a couple of glasses of wine/a couple of spliffs=no big deal.
I remember the other threads too. OP, if you go ahead and move this no mark back in with you and your daughter you risk losing her.
And frankly you would deserve to.
I hope you do sleep on it, and come to the right decision.

gabs I believe him. He has no reason to lie. If he was going to lie surely he'd say none?

I can't believe you're being threatened by your therapist to SS over someone using pot, I think its a massive over reach i genuinely don't think it would come to anything.

Pot is legal in half of the US, Canada is planning on doing same by next year the rest of the world is going to follow suit.

I doubt it.

Is domestic abuse also legal there?

I wouldn't mind social services visiting me, because I have nothing to hide.The fact that you fear SS suggests to me that you know, deep down, that it would be a huge mistake to take your husband back.

While I agree with you RE husband, I absolutely WOULD mind SS involvement, personally. Social workers aren't all saints sadly. Some of them do great things, some of them..well, I wouldn't want them to have any power over me.

nothing to do with ciao they will report over any abuse be it drink or drugs

ok then red-but i think youre in denial he has every reason to lie

Isn't the fact you have tons of posters all telling you the same thing enough for you to have a good think about this and the effects on your daughter?

As a parent it's your responsibility to safeguard her from any and all situations that may arise that could cause her harm or distress, not throw her back into one she's previously escaped!

THINK. PUT HER FIRST.

RedStripeIassie I think 4 months is no time at all. I think you are considering going back to him because in some way it feels safer than going it alone.

please do not allow arguments about what your child wants to sway you, your child needs you to be strong and make sensible decisions on her behalf.

"I just am such a different person myself now and hold more power and strength than I ever thought I had. Life just seems so different and now so does he." I think this 'euphoria' you seem to be feeling needs exploring with good medical help like your therapist.

"There was some emotional abuse as he was depressed and addicted and it came out that way." Sounds like a real catch.

He'd never get away with it again. What makes you say that?

"Financial because of addiction and my fear of confrontation (which is one of the biggest reasons I'm having therapy)."

So do you think he's cured of all that, in four months, while still on weed?

Glad you are feeling better.

It's good you have been honest with your therapist and there is finally a safeguard in place. Someone knows the risks for your daughter. I think your therapist will want to be satisfied that whatever choices you make are good for your daughter.

I genuinely mean that kindly.

You have had such a difficult time before leaving and since leaving. Your mind must be racing trying to work out the right thing to do - but someone wise and professional is there to help you make good decisions.

If you really want to do the best thing for yourself and your daughter then go next week to therapy and continue to be honest. Tell her your thoughts since you saw her. Tell her you considered lying or stopping therapy etc. Talk about this more.

You can rationalise that MN doesn't get it, group mentality, things spiralled on here etc. But you can't say that about your therapist. Keep talking to her.

He has EVERY reason to lie.

RedStripeIassie "He has changed all of this. He starts a job next month." Sorry but people may well change but not in four months.

If you go back with him you are putting you and your dd at risk.

I completely agree with SadGuru "OP you talk a lot about your vulnerability but don't seem to appreciate that your young dd is a lot more vulnerable than you. I'm sorry to be blunt, but this is the kind of situation that would trigger a safe guarding alert. I'm glad the therapist is putting your very young dd's needs before your own needs."

You seem to be relishing the idea you are in charge. "He will be getting therapy soon. It's one of my 'rules' for getting back together."

Maybe it feels like it now but just remember his incentive to get back in with you now may be fueling all this 'good behaviour' (if smoking dope is really good behaviour). So once he gets back in with you, what incentive does he have then?

Why not let him start the job, start the therapy, see him on dates if you wish to, but do not bring him back into your home with your child.

I was going to say that I hope you do not lose your child because of being in an abusive relationship with this guy, but actually I think you should really think now, if you want to even risk losing your child for a man who has treated you so badly in the past.

Please be smart, the only way you stay in control is to control who lives in your house with you and your child, who has input into her life and your life.

You do not owe him a thing! And neither does your daughter.

Suddenly stopping therapy won't stop the referral infect your therapist is more likely to refer as will she be if she feels you are lying to her!! If your husband is so much better now and reformed why does the referral matter?? Surely SS will come see all is well and leave??? be honest with yourself!

Red I remember your previous threads, you've been through such a lot and I recall that you did minimise his behaviour as his family also behaved similarly but you had to save to get a second hand coat while he drank and smoked his money and didn't contribute to bills.

Being away from him has done you and DD the world of good but I think distance is causing you to minimise it all again. Please don't let him move in - date if you want but he needs to pay for DD and quit the alcohol and drugs to be safe for you both, the financial abuse side also is still worrying- is he providing properly at the moment?

Promises are worthless if unfulfilled.

I agree with everyone else. By going back you are not only jeopardizing your own safety and your childs. Your are risking your relationship with her and her trust. She will know you went back knowing the risk.
You are also teaching her all this while what is being in a relationship. Do you really want her to learn that this is normal?