My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

Let's say he's not a deliberately bad bloke, Red. He's a bit fucked up (from the skunk and the drinking), but he's quit that now except the 2 small grass spliffs, which apparently don't count. He's not deliberately selfish, but he's an addict (still using weed & alcohol) so he can't be held responsible for not providing money for his DD. And he's happy that way - he's not going to change.

Either A) you want to save him, change him, make him "better" or B) you're happy with how things are (addict, still using, not paying, potential for violence as no therapy).

You're not wrong to want him to change. You're not wrong to wish for the fantasy.

But he hasn't changed. And HE'S JUST REALLY CLEARLY TOLD YOU HE WON'T CHANGE. In his own words. The fantasy is just that - fantasy. He says he's happy as an addict who doesn't need therapy to understand himself and his abusive violent past behaviour.

HE WON'T CHANGE. He says so himself.

So you can win by making the change permanent- split up. Live the achievable fantasy of you and DD together in a safe place.

I don't feel like I can just give up on our relationship so soon after rekindling it. I want to give it a chance.

It's a shame you didn't feel this way about your seperation/being single!

Really you owed it to your daughter to see if being apart was better for her as well as you? This is a really sad thread, you hear about women who choose men over their children regardless of the risks, your one of the few.

Your latest posts about your loss of control in the car make me wonder if actually your daughter would be safer away from both of you, he's a violent, controlling bully and you won't see how bad that will be in your child's formative years! Is this what you dream of for her future, do you hope she meets a drug for her husband one day, how will you feel when that happens?

Don't you see that getting back with him is going to be constant on/off drama because nothing is going to change and it's not sustainable in the long term

The no-drama approach is staying separated

I think you need the Father Ted dreams and reality chart.

Dreams - sitting in the garden drinking tea.

Reality - being shouted at in the car to the extent that you self harm.

Do tell your therapist about the car incident. It's important.

I've spent too long reading this thread for my own sanity and am likely to be projecting feelings about my own experience onto it but, having said that, there's alot to be said for experience.
My mother chose to maintain her belief in achieving the facade of 'happy family life' over opening her eyes to our reality of living in a persistent state of fear. Unfortunately research shows that exposure to domestic violence and the effect of living in fear from an early age has long-lasting, detrimental effects on the developing brain. I grew to have no sympathy for, what I see as, her 'woe is me' act. She was the adult and should have acted in my best interests but instead she only considered her own needs. As an adult I have no respect for her and don't believe her protestations of regret because time and again she had the opportunity to change our everyday existence bit chose not to. She doesn't get to see her grandchild or have any part in the life of my new, genuinely happy family.
Bear in mind OP that a child is instinctively driven to love and seek care from the primary people in their lives and no doubt wants them to be happy so would say anything to facilitate that, even to there own detriment.
This will likely fall on deaf ears (blind eyes?) But perhaps it was worth a try.

*their

You said you hate drama but continue this unhealthy abusive relationship?

I think this relationship is the only thing causing drama. Your allowing it and sounding very juvenile.

No man (even the father of your child) should make you feel like this.

I love my daughter more than anything or anyone. Everyday I tell her this and tell her how clever and kind and perfect she is. We have a rediculously close relationship to the point that she won't let anyone else do anything for her. That said she's bright and confident and is always happy to go to school. The new school don't know the full extent but they have her pychologist report from her therapy and she has a special time out box and a pillow to hit if she's feeling angry. She's being looked after well at home and at school. Although we are moving to a tiny village now we're not isolated. My family will always be around.

I've said a million times. If things start to get bad again I'm out for good. I'm not stupid. I might not be a degree type academic person but I'm actually more educated than dh and he comes to me for help
With things like writing emails and letters. I'm not vulnerable in that sense and I know what a happy upbringing l

I love my daughter more than anything or anyone.

So put her needs first. Simple.

Looks like because I had one.

He grew up with a cunt of a dad and had to protect his
Mum from him from a very young age. He didn't even cry at his funeral.

Last night after the arguemant he called and I told him my fears about him not getting therapy or only doing it for me and he said he genuinely thinks it'll be helpful. He doesn't get it when he's in the wrong sometimes. He started off 'apologising' by saying my mind must be all over the place because I've been through so much ! I had to explain why that bullshit apology made me want to slam the phone down. I'm really looking forward to therapy and I'll stick with it with full truth. I'm going to try and tell her about the bad night this week too. I've mentioned I decided to
Leave after he was 'really bad' one night but she's never asked for details.

dusty I'm not bringing her up in grotty misery and I never will again. I got us out of that situation and me taking him back does not mean the grotty misery comes back. You should see the new place. It's perfect for raising a child. There's a garden and space to play. No damp and It will never smell of skunk or be a shit hole. I'm going to give her the best upbringing and start a fresh.

What happens if when he goes back he also goes back to drugs? And is violent towards you?

And when I write if, it's more like when.

You can be happy with very little, or miserable in sheer luxury OP. It's not the surroundings that are going to be the biggest influence on DD's life.

If he was ever violent towards me again he'd be gone in a shot. Even something little like pushing me or smashing stuff up. I didn't really see that as violent for so long but I do now.

Since having dd it's only drink and pot drugs wise. He wants to start having an occasional small drink which I feel uncomfortable about because I'm not sure if he can handle it. At least hes discussing it with me first. I'm on the look out for a couple of spliffs or sharing a bottle of wine escalating and will not be afraid to challenge him in that. He hasn't got any pot connections up here yet apart from my BIL so I can just ask him how much he's selling to dh.

I know it's not about surroundings. It's about love and care and protection and I've always done the first two and now despite you thinking I'm not I'm offering her the last too.

Swell, all sorted. Your BIL can deal to your DH and you can monitor its, cos that's so normal.

If he wanted you back he would go to therapy for his issues. It sounds as if he doesn't want to face his problems and would rather lay the blame with you. If you want him back then he has got to sort out his issues in his head and his weed smoking. He needs help and that's not your job he needs to see a professional. Don't take him back until he has sorted himself out mentally.

Only drink and pot drug wise and a bil who supplies, that is so messed up, yet you see it as normal.

Keep talking to your therapist and hopefully next year you post about you and dd drinking tea in the garden with him out of your lives. One can dream at least.

How would you feel if your dd came home with a man like your husband. Would you tell her to stick it out and give him a chance. Little girls grow up to look for men just like their fathers. How would you feel?

Oh god, you already feel you have to monitor his behaviour like he's a child -- 'watching out' for his drinking and drug use escalating.

How can you ever relax if you have to live like that?

What on earth is he offering you that would compensate for living like that?

Sorry folks, we're all wasting our time and pissing into the wind here

He's still smoking weed and now wants to bring alcohol back into the mix - he's really making an effort isn't he

I think I'm out, sadly

Did you send him packing for screaming at you, or did you take the blame, took his justifications and self harmed?

This is what will happen when he goes back. He's already pushing boundaries. And you will not stick up for them because when he's back home you'll feel you've already invested in the relationship and you'll feel a fool for taking him back and find ever more justifications to keep him in.
Do you think he'll accept you calling him on it as he does now?

I am now really hoping this is just a wind-up.