My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

Of COURSE he turns it on you and how you want to change him etc. He WANTS you to doubt yourself. He WANTS you to believe that youve been unreasonable

Get out. Get out now.
Its rare for a MN thread to be so unanimous. Leave.

I don't feel like I can just give up on our relationship so soon after rekindling it. I want to give it a chance. like I said, I hate drama and just want things to be peaceful and simple. Not some on off drama. I'd hate that and it's not fair on dd. She genuinely seems so happy right now.

Sometimes when you've been very unhappy for a long time, it's hard to even recognise what 'happy' could look like.

He gone back to his place in a mood after explaining to me why I was wrong
That was kind of him because in his mind he is always right and you are always wrong.

I suspect if he read this thread he would explain why 800 posts are wrong and he is right too.

OP. I know what im about to say sounds brutal so please take it with the care its intended.

you have a choice to make: this man or your child.

If you pick this man there are 2 realisitc situations:

1. It takes its toll on your child, school makes a social servuces referral and because youve covered for the man you arent deemed suitable to look after her.
2. You "get away" with convincing yourself that this js normal. In adulthood your daughter allows men to abuse her and believes their promises because its exactly what mam did. OR your daughter ends up resenting you for keeping her in an environment that isnt safe.

Your happy ever after with this man is just a pipe dream he has created to keep you in your place.

Think about this. When your daughter gets older and challenges him, are you prepared for him to lash out at her? Because thats the risk you are taking.

Put you and your childs wellbeing above ANY relationship

I really think it says a lot that you would accept (welcome, even) SS involvement. You need that help from a third party. How can you find it in RL if it feels too hard to do it on your own?

That might be a really good starting point for a discussion with your therapist:"You know what you said about SS, well I've been thinking that would be, in some ways, a relief" (or whatever way you want to phrase it).

Its rare for a MN thread to be so unanimous. Leave
In 800+ posts, the only posts that stand up for this loser are the OP's.

I don't think that there has been any other poster that has told the OP not to leave.

It is absolutely amazing.

Also, what the bloody hell?

He doesn't care that you are not happy; he's happy.

That also tells you all you need to know about the fact he will not make any effort to change

Well I think that is pretty conclusive that he has no intention of changing anything further. So either give another "chance" to an abusive, substance abusing gaslighter and he will continue to make you and DD unhappy. Of course you've been unhappy, nobody could be in a relationship with that prick or deal with the consequential fall out and be happy

He's asked me if I want him to pretend he's someone he's not.
That is exactly what you want him to do. You've been full of it on this thread and your others. You only like him when he's pretending to be your definition of a nice normal husband and father.

I said I just want him to work out why he's like this
You want him to work out why he is not someone else. You want him to work out why he is not the husband and father you want him to be.

and he said he's happy and sorted out his problems.
Fair enough. He is happy how he is. He is happy being this man, this husband, this father.

I can't win
If winning means changing him into being a different person then no you can't win.

He can justify everything because he truly feels justified. What's that got to do with you though?

He has just told you that he will never change. Why did that conversation end with you beating your head against the wall? Why didn't it end with you saying "No, I don't want you to pretend. I see now that you can't give me what I need. It is over between us. You'd better leave. Drop my car keys on the counter as you go."

Red
He's happy to be paying nothing for his daughter.
He's happy to smoke illegal drugs.
He's happy to shout and scream at you.
He's happy to take a car from you.
He's happy to run the risk of being violent to you again.
He's happy to be an alcoholic and have to have a drink every night.
He's happy to have tried to strangle you.
He's happy to spend his money on himself.
He's happy for anyone else to provide what your daughter needs just not him.

There is nothing good in this relationship for you or your DD. Listen to everyone here - we're telling you what you need to hear whether you want to or not.

you pick this man there are 2 realisitc situations:

There is a third. She leaves home as soon as she can and sends a letter telling you exactly what she thinks of the hellish childhood you gave her and asking you not to bother contacting her again. And you're left with a deteriorating shell of an individual who now expects you to nurse you through his self inflicted ailments.

Believe it or not, that's a good case scenario for your daughter. It's the one where she won't drag your grandchildren up in the grotty misery you're determined to inflict on her.

What chance? I don't see the chance? Chance of what?

He has told you he doesn't want to change. He has told you he is happy as he is. I think it is fair to assume he is not going to change.

So what are you holding on for?

He's happy and sorted out his problems

Well, lucky him. Of course he is. You bought him a car. He thinks you're going to provide him with a home. He still takes drugs. He still only spends money on himself. He has a ready made punch bag to take out all his anger and issues on, plus another younger one waiting in the wings.

Just imagine his conversations with his shit head mates. Yeah, Stripes is taking me back, fucking ace. I've got wheels, somewhere to live again. I've spun her a load of old shit about two spliffs a night, no booze and giving her some of my dad's money. And she believes it! She says I'm out if I do anything wrong again, but Christ, I strangled her last time and she still wants me back. I'm well in there.

You are worth SO much more than this. Even if you think we're all talking crap, just shut your eyes and take a leap of faith. He only seems big and scary because of the abuse you've suffered at his hands. He is pathetic. He has no morals, standards or decency. As we're not involved, if I or any of the other people on this thread met him we could run rings around him. We'd demolish his reasoning and his arguments. We'd make him look like a total idiot.

I know you can't do this because he's nearly destroyed you. So walk away. Don't argue with him. Tell your mum and sister exactly what's happened. All this is festering because of lies. The lies are protecting him, but he doesn't deserve it. He's nothing special, actually he's poison for you.

He doesn't care if you're happy or not. He's happy to be the kind of man who shrugs off attempting to strangle his wife. How bad would someone have to be to you before you wouldn't give them an umpteenth chance? Tell him you've changed your mind, like he has about the therapy and his addictions.

Things will never be peaceful and simple with this man. You are deluding yourself.

No drama. No on off. Just off.

He can still have a relationship with DD.

It would be a bit like he was doing when you were in hospital and just after. Visits. Days out. Some school pickups. That has been working very well for his relationship with DD already.

That's the thing - you do want him to be someone he's not - someone who provides for his daughter and puts her before anything else, someone who doesn't need to abuse drink or drugs to get through the day, someone who doesn't hurt you. He's telling you very very clearly what he is and how life with him will be. He's not going to therapy, he's not going to stop being an addict, he's never going to provide for you.

There's a far far better life for you and your DD out there - end your marriage for good, no going back, no more chances. Keep going to therapy, find out why you settled for this man, concentrate on enjoying your daughter grow up, find things you enjoy doing, make your home a lovely place to be. You can do it.

Just think about it, Red. Do you think your girl should be the one who can't go to nice activities? Look to the day when she's asked to a party but Dad won't let her have money to bring a gift so you decline. Or when she brings in her party invitations and no one accepts because of Smokey Moanbag. When she can't go to the cinema or do playdates because no one comes back. Why is your daughter the one without clean smelling clothes? Why is she hiding up in her room, away from the sour atmosphere which can turn to anger on a hair trigger?

It's not because you don't try hard enough, it's because only one parent cares about her and is being dragged down by the man she married.

Red please don't use your DD as an excuse not to end this, that's really shit of you given what you've disclosed about how he's treated her and the effect it's had on her.

I think it's very sad that regardless of this thread and everyone saying the same thing I feel you cannot see it. There is that part of you that's still in fog. If you truly love someone you would want to prove yourself and yet you aren't strong enough to stand up to him.

He reacts that way as he is still bullying you. Don't invite this shit again into your daughters life. She won't thank you for it I don't care how many time you state 'she's happy'.... it makes me roll my eyes in the same way 'but I love him' and 'he thumps me but he is an amazing dad' does.... the fact it matters so much what we think should tell you something.

Get out and stay out and repair yourself.

If you actually hated drama you would just be in an off relationship. Protect your daughter.

If you actually hated drama you would just be in an off relationship.

Ita a bit much to suggest that thr OP loves drama.
It sounds like just doesnt want to hear what she knows deep down to be true.
Acting on our advice on here means admitting to her family all of DHs abuse and her entire fantasy comes crashing down around her.
Much as its infuriating to say the same thing over and over again. The OP needs to accept qhat we are all sayinb

OP. Ending the relationship would not be giving up, or giving in. It would be waking up.

Let's say you decide not to tell your family about the abuse and violence. Are you worried how you're going to explain why you don't want to be with this man? The only reason you need to give anyone, including yourself, is that you're not happy. That's it.

Leaving an abuser isn't entering into an on/off drama of a life. It's being clear headed, deciding what you want and doing something about it. His selfishness is astonishing. This lovely man, who sat in a hospital chair next to you (warm room, cup of tea, admiring nurses?) is now gas lighting you in a car whilst you self harm. Then stropping off to let you mull over what a naughty girl you've been. Go on, reverse the roles, let him be unhappy (believe me he so deserves to be). Turn the tables on him, call his bluff - all those other cliches. Basically decide the fantasy is over.

You haven't failed, he's failed you massively. If he can find a car and a roof over his head with some other vulnerable woman he will - be in no doubt. Walk away with your head high before he does.

Actually he won't be unhappy if you split. He's still got his money, drugs, booze, mates, your car and a sofa to surf on. He's not dreaming of tea in the garden, you're not going to be denying him anything. You don't want the same things. He wants a shitty Jeremy Kyle type life. Fine, let him have it. You want peace, safety, kindness, hope. You and your dd CAN have all this. You're the normal one, not him.

I can't do that at the moment maisy maybe because it seems to pro active but I can and will let my therapist decide. Somehow being a bit more passive in the big decision makes it easier for me. I'm not going to lie to her and I'm not going to duck any SS involvement .

Can I say this is wrong on so many levels, this is about your DD safety and happiness.. Why are you not considering her needs? why are you waiting for a therapist to decide whether to report and them to investigate when in reality you know the answer.

You are clearly still very scared of this man. You are scared of changing your mind, How many times has he changed his mind/ broken promises. You are well within your rights to reconsider things. If you don't feel you can change your mind about anything you certainly are not able to live with someone as an equal.